I saw this weird number on TV when there was absolutely nothing else new on the tube, and have never forgotten it!Singular for containing no known actors, a really weak plot (a psycho killer is targeting high school students at a school dance), terrible acting, and an obvious budget of near-zero, it is still one of the most entertaining movies I have ever seen. It's sole saving grace is one actor, whose name is a mystery to this day (billed only as "The Stick") and very aptly named (you'll know what this means as soon as you see him!) He plays the strange high school janitor who is so odd that he can't find any girl anywhere to be his date for the dance. Never seen anything like him that still falls within the bounds of the human race, but all of us were actually rolling on the living room floor with laughter every minute he was on screen.Unfortunately, all attempts to find this gem on DVD or even VHS tape anywhere, have failed. Hopefully, maybe some day it will turn up. If you find it anywhere, don't pass up this opportunity to see a truly unique movie!

Student Bodies (1981)BOMB (out of 4) This spoof of horror movies takes place at Lamab High where kids wonder off to have sex and are murdered in a variety of ways. Suspicion falls on a girl (Kristin Bell) who has issues about sex. That's pretty much the only way to explain the storyline to this film. After the success of AIRPLANE! more and more spoofs started to happen and with the slasher craze going at full blast it was just obvious to combine the two. Sadly, STUDENT BODIES is one of the worst spoofs you're going to see and it's impossible to consider it a slasher since there's really no slashing going on. The film starts off as we get the classic POV of the killer looking at a house where we know the murder is going to take place. We're introduced to "The Breather," who of course is the killer who is constantly breathing way too loud. This opening ten-minute sequence will let the viewer know if they wish to go on with the rest of the film because the type of humor here just keeps getting repeated throughout. We have the killer breathing too loud. He goes to murder but steps in gum. He could pick an axe to murder with but instead takes silly weapons like an egg plant. We get scenes where the suspect, who is of course innocent, gets caught up with the dead bodies. This film even goes as far as to add subtitles to try and get jokes including a running body count. I know this film has a good cult following but I found it nearly impossible to get through for a number of reasons. The film doesn't contain any good writing and instead we've just got one obvious joke after another. If you've seen at least one slasher film then you're going to know all the obvious jokes like how a victim always hurts themselves by running into a place they can't escape. These jokes aren't funny but what made me violently hate this film is how annoying the attempts of laughs are. The non-stop heavy breathing it's funny but annoying. The way the killer is constantly picking silly ways to kill isn't funny. The way the music score is overdone is just bad. There's nothing funny about this movie including the various ways it tries to show off suspects that pop up every few scenes. I thought the performances were bad, the direction poor and in reality there wasn't a single good thing here. God knows that the slasher genre offered up some really horrid movies (GRADUATION DAY, HE KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE) but at least those films offered up something that fans could enjoy. That being sex, nudity, violence or gore. This film offers up none of those and what's worse is how bad the attempts at comedy are. This here is without question the bottom of the 80s slasher period.

Someone said, "But spoof always needs to be done with just the right touch. It can't be direct, as there's no need to molest the dead. But it can't be so obscure that the average joe won't catch onto the jokes." Well, I must not be the average joe, as I totally missed the jokes in this movie.Eschewing knives, guns, hatchets, etc for horsehead bookends, erasers, eggplant, and paper clips as murder weapons makes no sense to me at all. The guys all get hefty bags. What's up with that? Well, I guess the ultimate parody of the slasher films is one where there is no nudity and no blood.

We begin on an evening which happens to be Halloween, Friday the 13th, and Jamie Lee Curtis' birthday. A heavy-breathing figure wearing rubber gloves and squishy galoshes enters an unlocked home where babysitter Angela Bressler (as Julie) is anticipating a sexual encounter with hunky boyfriend Keith Singleton (as Charlie). Overcoming sticky stairway gum, "The Breather" manages to find the young couple before committing their dirty act, stabbing her with paper clips and stuffing him in a plastic garbage bag.Homeowners Douglas Cotner and Joan Browning Jacobs (as Mr. and Mrs. Hummers) return, eager to watch "The Dukes of Hazzard" after seeing a bad horror film. They discover the babysitter is not only dead, but also failed to wash the dishes. Nobody mentions the baby. All of the above is very funny and often suspenseful - but, the film slowly peters out. A later funny moment has an announcer coming on to guarantee the film will be rated "R" although the opening contains has the prerequisite frontal nudity.***** Student Bodies (8/7/81) Michael Ritchie ~ Kristen Riter, Matthew Goldsby, Jerry Belson, Joe Flood