I think I'll email Mr. Ebert with an entry for his Movie Glossary Guide: FAT COP SYNDROME -- A Dead Teenager/Slasher Horror film formula element that establishes a sense of hopelessness by casting an obscenely obese 'comic relief' character in the role of the small town sheriff. I.E. The only thing that can save us is a fat blubbery cop who would rather eat, masturbate, and/or consume hard liquor while drooling over girlie magazines than fight evil.A friend and I recently bought out the VHS libraries of two rental stores that were converting to all DVD (one of the dumbest ideas I could ever think of). I glommed onto most of the interesting looking/sounding horror videos and have been enjoying some vacation time just chilling and watching tapes. Some have been eye opening or viscerally entertaining enough to bother with more than once (SAVAGE WEEKEND, DEATH SPA) and many will soon be for sale for mere pennies. Shelf space is a commodity around here, life is short, and some sucker out there will want NIGHTMARE HONEYMOON, I wager.We'll probably keep HOUSE OF DEATH though; Decent looking college aged women get utterly stark naked, there's some acceptable Hackage & Dismemberment, and I like the low budget settings of the carnival and spooky old rain shrouded house. The production values are fairly high for this kind of stuff, though some of the "teenagers" look like they are in their mid-30's and should be ashamed of themselves for robbing the cradles like that OR really proud for getting to score with the coed supporting cast. Depends on your point of view.But this is about the sixth slasher flick I have seen this week with a really FAT small town cop who is supposed to be "funny", and it got me thinking about how the role of the bumbling, inept small town lawman -- usually knocking back a half pint or slobbering down large sandwiches -- is so vital to making the audience feel as though the people in the story have absolutely zero hope of seeing daylight. Having the cop be a big, fat, shambling, disheveled, sleazy, porn-loving slob in EVERY movie, though, cannot be mere coincidence. And, interestingly, a very American trait: In European made equivalents, the cops are played by Franco Nero, Ray Lovelock and Henry Silva. In the US, guys who make Louie Anderson look svelte by comparison ... We are definitely onto something here.They all must go to the same Big & Tall Shops For Fat Movie Cops Outlet Store too, specializing in making you look utterly useless in an emergency. Heck, the supporting cast might as well just line up a bunch of tree stumps and kneel down with their necks craned out, because there is no doubt that when push comes to shove we will get a lazy inept fat guy with a sloppy sandwich gag, and probably a glimpse of a vintage Hustler magazine cover to boot. HOUSE OF DEATH is no different, better or worse in that regards, it just sort of is what it is. I can live with that, and fans of 80's horror will be amused by this nasty little relic.But again and again, the bottom line with these movies seems to be that breasts will hopefully be bared and lives may be lost, but at least the fat sheriff will get to enjoy the rest of that sandwich.

When I was very young I always caught this on tv, it showed up on A&E a lot for some reason (I honestly don't know why), but when I saw it for the first few times, it sent chills down my spine. Today, after finally hunting down the long-gone video copy (under its more well-known title, "House of Death") of this eighties slasher thriller, it was fun to look back but this isn't really that great of a movie at all. It's full of lame actors, a bad script, slack pacing, among other things. It's true, the people who created this movie could've made it a whole lot better if they had at least put a little, oh, I don't know, thought, into it. They had potential. First off it had a few good aspects of it that still impress me today, and this includes the way the director captures the eerie atmosphere of a small town with the killer lurking in the shadows. There are effective shots of deep, dark, misty woods and wind-swept cemeteries which create an extremely unique atmosphere, and put together with a very scary, when he is at least hinted at or briefly onscreen, psychopathic killer who prowls around in bloodstained black "psycho gear" complete with his bloody machete at his side. The last half hour or so is alright, with some good aspects, even though the script and acting cannot match the atmosphere created by the director. The plot, as I've mentioned, makes basically no sense and neither does the killer's "motive", which really isn't even explained when he shows his face in the last few minutes. Even so, I still can't get over some of the aspects of this movie which still can send shivers down my spine, like the killer prowling through the cemetery while blonde Playboy Playmate Susan Kiger tells the "drip, drip" story to her wide-eyed friends, or the "double decapitation in the truck" sequence (this does have some pretty graphic deaths) as well as the scene where a girl falls through the stairs and has her belly violently ripped open by the machete-wielding killer who is waiting beneath. It sounds like I love this movie a lot, doesn't it, but actually the finale of the film just holds a special place in my "slasher movie watching" history, it's basically the only good thing to watch in the whole film, which wastes too much time with teenagers at a carnival or at a bonfire. Nothing really starts happening until about an hour into the film, when the always talked about "blonde skinny dipper gets her throat hacked out with a machete" sequence occurs, which is a definite must-see. If you are a hardcore slasher fan and want something really different and have not seen this, have fun hunting it down.

This is by no means a good horror flick, and one too many times teeters on being an incoherent, stupid mess. But it does have a few things that redeem it from being a total loss. The story focuses on a small town festival and a group of "teens" who want to hang out in the local cemetery and tell ghost stories to celebrate the last day of the town carnival??? You're guess is as good as mine. Anyhow, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to guess that a mysterious killer lurks in the shadow who is p****d about one thing or another and decides to take his frustrations out with a machete. Slow moving at first with some ridiculous death scenes--example: a girl at the local carnival gets viciously attacked and shot with a bow and arrow by the killer, but instead of running back to carnival or to anywhere where people are at, the dumb broad seeks refuge on an old merry-go-round where she is prime meat for the killer!! The redeeming qualities come at the end of the film when the group finally gathers at the old cemetery. From that point on, the murders happen very rapidly and are quite graphic. However, the every ending then becomes even more confusing as the killers identity is revealed with really no explanation of his motive. I also love how the sheriff shows up, sees the killer but has no idea that the guy really IS the killer, and just blows his head off for the hell of it?! But like I said, not a total waste..if you like machete murders, the last 20 minutes of the films should satisfy you. 4 out of 10.

--Death Screams, or House of Death as it is known here, is one of the most absurd horror films I've seen next to Drive-In Massacre. I had friends over while watching this movie, but afterwards I think they considered me their worst enemy after putting them through this trash.--The first 40 mins. are so boring, I felt like ejecting the tape. Nothing happens, just some stupid dialogue at a carnival scene. The agony of sitting through this is too great. The most annoying character in this film is the grandma, she should have been the first victim. The true "suspense" starts in the last 10 mins. literally. Before that, just some cheesy killings.--House of Death has the most funniest death scene that is the only "plus" side to this movie** IF you get pierced in the shoulder with an arrow, go and scream for help. Surprisingly this girl with an IQ of 1 just moans and groans, falls down (you know the rest). She ventures onto an abandoned carousal and surprisingly, it starts moving. If a plastic bag is then put over your head, and your hands are free, poke a hole so you can breathe (or take it off). This one just groans until she is suffocated, yet never attempts to save herself. Someone that stupid just made me laugh so hard. I know most characters in horror flicks don't think... but c'mon!--I do not even know who the killer was, it was revealed, but House of Death has more holes than a fish net I was confused. Do me a favor...avoid this one. Do something more productive than wasting your time.