I happened upon this movie at a pay-per-view movie site. Seeing an opportunity to watch a movie without heading to the video store was very appealing. So, after reviewing 10 or 12 titles, I settled on Teresa's Tattoo partly because of the premise, partly because of actor Lou Diamond Phillips- The Big Hit, Stand and Deliver.What was really interesting was seeing a number of popular actors in this movie that are uncredited as the top billers in the print ads- Joe Pantoliano, Teppi Hedren and more- executing a poorly directed script. This is probably a movie they would like to disassociate themselves.The movie, as a whole, was poorly executed as an entertainment vehicle. The script lacked the comedic flow necessary to evoke substantial laughter from this viewer. There were a few funny moments (particularly the desk sergeant/police officer scene with Teresa/Gloria (Adrienne Shelley)), but most of the scenes fell flat.Rating: 4/10

If this was MEANT to be a good movie, whoever wrote it would have given it a MUCH better plot, and called it something much less...silly than "Teresa's Tattoo!" But I really, really don't think the writers, directors, cast, crew, etc, of this film were intending to make something good, or if they were, um... well, I won't go there.Instead, "Teresa's Tattoo" is some weird, loud comedy made up of a big crew of supporting and/or B actors, who seem to be improvising most of the time, probably to liven up the ridiculous "plot" of a "college student" (played by geriatric looking Adrienne Shelley) who is mistaken for the sister of a bumbling villian (Casey Siemaszko, who's the only reason I watched this!), and kidnapped by uh, other bumbling villians (C. Thomas Howell and a couple of other B-actors I am forgetting) and for some reason given a "new look" that includes dyed-red hair, a short, tight, black leather dress, and a tattoo, hence the title. I think the whole reason behind her stupid kidnapping is so the stupid kidnappers can get an earing that really contains a microchip full of ...importance. It's dumb alright, sometimes in a dull way, and sometimes in a so-stupid-it's-funny way. The duller moments involve Shelley and her friends Nancy McKeon(was SHE supposed to be a "college student" too?!) and Joe Pantiolano(sporting a hideous wardrobe); and Shelley and her family (the usually somewhat dependable Sean Astin is stuck in a drab role as Shelley's stepbrother, a gratuitously Southern cop...and Mr. Astin needs to work on accents with a dialect coach if they are all as bad as this one). Howell and his gang of robbers are also fairly dull, except some weird "bit" involving frozen food is soooorrrrt of entertaining. Siemaszko and Lou Diamond Phillips (director Julie Cypher's ex) are actually pretty funny in their nonsensical roles, and I don't even care for Lou Diamond Phillips most of the time. Their roles are fairly big, too, which helps.A plethora of celebrities also have cameos, such as Tippi Hedren and Shelly Fabres; Melissa Ethridge (Cypher's other ex); Mare Winningham; Kiefer Sutherland; and Emilio Estevez(or else it was an Emilio Estevez wannabe, and what's with the "Young Guns" cast?), all adding to the fact that this was really just some excuse for these actors to get together and party, or else they all needed to pay their rent or something, because ...why else was this made?At least it makes for a semi- entertaining way to pass the time.

Why do you want to see this movie? Is it for the stars? Go see them in something else. Is it for the music? Go find a CD. Is it for the plot? No, wait, it couldn't be. The movie has no plot! What's there is pointless and clueless. But wait! The movie does have a saving grace: the CAMEOS. Melissa Etheridge as a hooker, and k.d. lang as (oh my goodness) a born-again Christian! Nancy McKeon also puts in a delightful performance.

If you want to see dumb people, see Dumb and Dumber - at least that movie's funny. This movie is a total waste of Lou Diamond Philip's acting ability (but may be C Thomas Howell's best movie). This girl is kidnapped but accidentally dies so her kidnappers kidnap another girl who looks like her. The kidnappers are dumb, the people who rescue her are dumb, everyone involved is dumb, and for some reason everyone has corny accents and overacts. This movie could have been good with some good writers and some good actors, but as it stands it's just another un-funny comedy.