Ay-yi-yi! Dios Mio! This gargantuanly graceless joke of a motion picture makes Latinos look worse than a marathon of those old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons narrated by Charo. If you weren't for building a wall along the southern boarder of the U.S., you will be after watching Carlita's Secret. Watching the lovely and talented Eva Longoria in this excremental epic is like seeing a baby swallow a diamond ring and having to wait for it to come out the other end. You could genetically increase the intelligence of an aardvark, give him the cast of the Jersey Shore to work with, a budget so cheap it could pay half the cost of a hand job from a hook-handed crack whore and your super-aardvark STILL couldn't make movie as bad as this one.Before I even bother with the plot, let me make a few things clear. Outside of Miss Longoria, the actors here don't have enough collective talent to fill up a flea's thimble. I have seen episodes of "Cheaters" that were better directed than this. If you hit someone in the head repeatedly with a rusty metal truncheon and transcribed the sounds they made after every blow, you'd have better dialog than what is spoken here. The set design makes the cheapest tellanovella look like an Oscar winner. There is choreography here so awful it makes Dancing With The Stars look like the Bolshoi Ballet. And the soundtrack…oh, merciful heavens, the soundtrack! Not only is it bad enough to make your ears tear themselves off your head to get away from it, not only it is so loud you care barely hear what any character is saying, not only is it so constant that it feels like you're trapped in some drug-addled teen rave, but it's chock full of awesomely inappropriate rap songs. Over and over does Carlita's Secret try to reach a dramatic high point, only for some rapper throwing the F-word around like confetti to obliterate even the best intentions of these colossal filmmaking failures.The story concerns a young woman named Carlita (Eva Longoria) and her drug-dealing boyfriend Angel (Alain Mora). He brings her along on a deal that goes bad, leading to Carlita taking shelter with another drug dealer and his bi-curious wife. Things jump forward 8 years and Carlita is now a famous night club dancer named Lexus, having adopted the name to hide her identity from both the criminals betrayed by her old boyfriend and from the cops. How being a famous dancer is supposed to fit in with the whole "hiding" stuff is something never considered during production of this debacle. Things start to go wrong for Carlita when the betrayed criminals come sniffing around along with a police detective I call Not Seth MacFarlane because that's exactly what he looks like. There's also another young woman who teams up with Carlita and the movie spends an inordinate amount of time trying to confuse the audience about her agenda, even though a mollusk would figure out the character the second she reappears on screen.That's all the plot I'm going to get into because thinking about is making me want to go to the bathroom. Suffice it to say that there are some people in this world who should never try to tell a story and I think most of them worked on Carlita's Secret.This manifestation of incompetent cinema is so breathtakingly frightful that, by the end, it even manages to make Miss Longoria's bosom look bad. This is as poorly made as anything I've ever seen. Eva Longoria could get buck naked and make out with Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross and Harriet Sansom Harris and that wouldn't Carlita's Secret worth renting. If you think this is any good, you should be ejected from the solar system.

Usually when you see a video / DVD cover with a picture of a well-known star but a title that you don't recognize, it's a movie made early in their careers before they got famous which gets re-released to capitalize on their current fame, even if sometimes they only play a small part in it. Well, at least in the case of "Carlita's Secret" the cover doesn't lie: Eva Longoria IS the main star of this movie. The script (co-written by three people who have barely worked on anything else) is a complete mess (lamest part: after being witness to a club shootout at a club that results in a cop's death, Carlita (Longoria) changes her name and after a few years no one recognizes her, despite the facts that she looks EXACTLY the same, and she even works as a dancer at the same club!), most of the male characters can barely complete a sentence without the word "f**k" in one of its variations, and what little action there is is amateurish at best, but the film does tick off many of the right Eva Longoria boxes: she dances seductively, she kisses another woman, she wears a bikini, she fires a gun, etc. Plus, her co-star Alejandra Gutierrez (a Playboy Playmate) is a total knockout as well. So not all is lost. ** out of 4.

It might interest you to know that we're privy to the filmmakers who created this piece:First of all their composer--if you can call him that--wrote the music under the influence of drugs, so that's why you hear the same loop--which is what the producers wanted to use. What do you expect of penny-pinching white trash from Miami? These jokers get into the business to make a buck on you using canned stories and cheap sweatshop labor. They don't care about the quality at all--it's all about the bottom line. We happen to know from some LA sources that the reason this movie was botched from the beginning is 1) they had no money to pay professionals properly, 2) the had no idea how to make a movie in post. The director was hampered from the beginning by scenes that had to be cut because execs at the company were flying around the country taking 5-martini lunches. Secondly, the director shot only 60 pages of a 90 page script, but the producers wanted to the project to exceed 90 minutes. It came up short at 71 minutes--so the editors had to find all kinds of doubled up shots from other noble films like Miami Tail and Race Exploitation Whatnot to extend this wondrous vehicle for Eva Longoria.

There is a saying in the motion picture industry that editing can make or brake a movie, it broke Carlita's Secret. The editing and the choosing of rap music in this Latino film killed the movie for me. I have seen other films that the director has made and I can only say for sure that he was not involved in the editing of this movie. The acting was good and it had some good camera work. The quality of the sound was poor, I couldn't understand some of the dialog do to the rap music been to loud. I think the movie should have been scored.I gave a vote of 7 out of 10 for the good acting and direction. But I give a vote of 1 for awful editing and producing.