'Commando (1985)' is slightly camp, a bit cheesy and ever so slightly sub-par and it knows it, but this action flick aims solely for that 'turn-your-brain-off' guilty pleasure crowd and hits its mark dead-on. It's hard to watch without a smile on your face. Though it is silly - even stupid at times - and incredibly over-the-top, it is also ostentatious, or just toeing that line, which means you can laugh with the picture rather than at it. You do get the undeniable sense that a cringe-worthy one-liner combined with an outlandish, infinite-ammo action-sequence is just kind of awesome. 7/10

A retired black ops colonel has his daughter kidnapped by a former south American dictator who was overthrown years ago by the colonel and his team.Now he is being forced to assassinate the president they put into power.The ex-dictator has already taken revenge on all of the team except two: Colonel John Matrix, and discharged-soldier-turned-mercenary, Wez Bennett.Kicked out of the force by Matrix, and by all accounts is pretty gay for Matrix, is taking revenge the only way he knows how: by dressing up as Freddy Mercury and getting excited by big knives, ifyouknowwhatimean.But I'm getting ahead of myself. Matrix is retired, living in the middle of nowhere.Somehow, his whole team who have new identities, have been tracked down and killed (turns out it's Bennett with a new crew).The way in which they find him, says the dictator, is by killing Matrix' old crew so they could follow General Kirby to where he was. But Kirby flies in on a chopper to the middle of nowhere and they're already setup for the ambush. Whatever.After they get away with his daughter, they bundle him onto a plane to go assassinate the American-installed dictator. But he jumps out of the plane on takeoff, and so begins the ever so casual dismissal of real-world physics.Okay, I can accept gun blasts that send people flying like they just got tackled by a 120kg linebacker. It looks dramatic.And I can accept a car rolling downhill through forest, hitting trees and rocks that not only doesn't slow down but gets faster. It adds to the tension and action.But when you jump out of a plane that's doing 220kph? Even into marsh water, you're dead.The only explanation from here, is that he's actually dead. He's now gone to heaven, where he's playing out his greatest wish: to get revenge on those who took his daughter and to live happily ever after.It explains why seconds after swimming out of the marsh, his clothes are completely dry. Anyway.At the airport, he kidnaps a flight attendant (Cindy), ruins her car and follows Sully, one of the bad guys, to a mall. It just so happens to be the same mall that Arnie goes to in T2. I wonder if he had flashbacks? Cindy dobs him in to the mall cops, which ends up with 15 mall cops going to the hospital and 3 bodies to the morgue. In the ensuing 3:07, Cindy makes a new world record for Stockholm Syndrome, pushes a guy down the stairs and becomes Matrix' new bestest friend.{car rant/} They then chase Sully as he drives away. The good guys are in a '65 Sunbeam Alpine IV. The bad guy is in a '69 Porsche 911 Targa.With a 17 second headstart, and an extra passenger, they catch up. They. Catch. Up.Now, I admit I have a bias for Porsche, but come on:Car 0-100kph Top SpeedSunbeam 13.5 160kphPorsche 7.5 230kphAgainst the 911, they might as well be driving a Princess electric iron. {/car rant}All is forgiven when he hangs Sully over the edge of a cliff with one arm (the director wanted him to do it for real) and says"Remember Sully, when I promised to kill you last?"I lied."*drops*(Oh, spoilers?)Skip ahead (he found a hotel key) to his fight against a green beret where he gets to say his other famous line, "fuck you, asshole" ("I'll be back" is in there too). During the fight, they break into an adjoining room where a couple are having sex. The guy is Mikul Robbins, previously in Weird Science.Fun fact, Gene Simmons, then Nick Nolte were originally chosen for the lead role.Can you imagine Nolte delivering the line "I eat green berets for breakfast". Of course we'd know he was talking about the hats and would be totally serious.Matrix then finds a bill that leads them to a dock warehouse that contains map coordinates that lead them to the bad guy's island hideout. This is a pretty complicated setup for an action movie.But before they fly off in a stolen plane, they go shopping for guns. All the guns.He gets arrested by police but Cindy frees him from the paddy wagon by shooting it with a rocket launcher. Okay.As they fly to the island, Paxton gets his mark, as Coast Guard cutter Marauder. I don't know what that means, but it sounds cool. They dip below radar ("We lost them, sir") and fly on to the island.Matrix proceeds to 80's style kill everyone and blow everything up. He messes it up though, and runs from the explosion instead of casually walking away with the explosion in the background. -10 Cool Points.The battle with the last boss is the Australian Bennett aka "Freddie Mercury on steroids" (his own words. Personally, I think it's mostly the moustache), who looks like he's wearing a chainmail vest, but it's actually woolen. His clothing is tight because they were for a previous actor who got fired. They didn't have time to alter anything.They start with guns, move to knives, fists and anything they can get their hands on (pipes, a furnace door, fire, high voltage transformers, 1d4 damage my arse), with a very surprising number of puns. Only 1.The good guy saves the daughter, gets the girl, and rides off into the sunset (in a '42 Grumman Goose, close enough) and somebody else has to clean up the mess.Official body count: 81. A fairytale ending.

I consider this the most Arnold of all Arnold Schwarzenegger action films, meaning it's a wildly cartoony 1980s style action film. However, if you actually take a close look at Arnold's filmography, he really did not make very many of these types of these overblown actions films that Stallone seemed to endlessly make. Arnold was just coming off his massive success with "The Terminator" (this film does have Arnold say "F— you, a—hole." and "I'll be back.") and he no longer had to swing a sword and wear a loincloth to earn his paycheck. In this film he plays John Matrix, a retired special forces commando who's daughter (Alyssa Milano) is kidnapped by South American despot, the great (and badly miscast), Dan Hedaya, so he can blackmail Arnold into working for him. Also working for Hedaya is the terrifically smarmy David Patrick Kelly and Vernon "The Road Warrior" Wells as a former commando buddy of Arnold's who's now changed sides. The film was written by Steven E. de Souza, who's 80s action films were always complete comic book fantasies and never made any attempt at realism. He also was probably the worst offender of cheesy one liners after someone is killed or injured by the film's hero. One line from this film, "Let off some steam." is probably my all-time favorite bad one-liner in an action film. Another action film cliché is mis-matched partners, which in this film is Arnold being helped by airline stewardess Rae Dawn Chong, who actually does a very good job of being funny and charming and more of a real person trapped in an overblown action film. You also get Bill Duke as a thug, and very small early role for Chelsea Field and Bill Paxton. Produced by Joel Silver ("Lethal Weapon," "Die Hard," "The Matrix," etc.), photographed by Matthew F. Leonetti ("Red Heat," "Strange Days," "Dawn of the Dead"), and edited by Mark Goldblatt ("Rambo: First Blood Park II," "The Terminator 1 & 2," "The Last Boy Scout"), this film has quite an action film pedigree that's hard to beat. You also get a classic muscular 80s style score from composer James Horner, who first cut his teeth in the business composing scores for action, horror, and sci-fi films, and later went on to work on more prestige of projects like "Field of Dreams," "Titanic," "Braveheart," "Apollo 13," and "Glory." If I'm not mistaken, I think I've heard this score re-used in a number of Hong Kong action films. I think my main complaint about this film is that director Mark L. Lester does not really bring a lot to the picture. The action is lacking any kind of excitement or suspense. There are some good hand- to-hand fight sequences, but I think that's more to the credit of the fight choreographers than Lester. I will give Lester credit for some ironic laughs, such as Arnold's initial reveal, which is done by a close-up shot of big boots, a close-up of a big chainsaw, a close-up of a big bicep, back to the boots again, and then the other big bicep, and finally Arnold's big head carrying a big log on his shoulder. I was also amused by a charmingly dated pre-cell phone scene where a David Patrick Kelly has to steal a quarter and race to a phone booth to make a call before before Arnold can stop him. Overall, this is a complete cheesy action film, but Arnold is good in the lead and outside of bland direction is a well crafted action film.

Continuing my plan to watch every movie in Arnold Schwarzenneger's filmography in order I came to Commando.Plot In A Paragraph: John Matrix (Arnie) A retired elite Black Ops Commando, launches a one man war against a group of South American criminals who have kidnapped his daughter to blackmail him into committing a murder.Arnies attempt at a Rambo style movie is more in the vain of Rambo: First Blood Part 2 than First Blood as Arnie's one man army wipes out an army that is about 100 strong. A cheap and cheesy B movie at its best. It never for one moment has one foot in reality, It's over the top and ridiculous but with Arnie at his charismatic best, it's amazingly quotable and at least entertaining. Despite having his moments, Vernon Wells is awfully miscast and looks ridiculous fighting Arnie. He didn't even come across as crazy enough to be dangerous. I developed quite the crush on Rae Dawn Chong watching this as a kid, and not much has changed. Alyssa Milano is cute enough as Arnie's daughter, but Dan Hedaya is awful. It pains me to say that, as I like him.I'm not sure how lazy James Horner was feeling when he composed the score for this, but it's the same score he used for 48 Hrs. Arnie surprisingly doesn't talk much about Commando in his autobiography Total Recall. He mentions how Joel Silver paid him $1.5 million dollars for the role, and after this movie, he always asked to have one liners put in his movies. And that is about it. Commando ended the year the 25th highest grossing movie of 1985, with a domestic gross of $35 million.