Murder on the Emerald Seas (1974) 1/2 (out of 4)A cop is trying to solve some bizarre murders and when he finally gets a lead it takes him to a cruise ship. This cruise ship is full of drag queens so the cop must go undercover in drag to find the killer. Before landing an acting gig in the cult classic CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS, Alan Ormsby co-wrote and directed this horrible comedy that I'm guessing was trying to become some cult film among the gay community. Wahtever it was trying to do it ultimately failed as there's really not too much going on here.There's no question that the biggest problem with this film was the horrible screenplay. There are a lot of lame jokes throughout the picture but the most shocking thing is the fact that they try to play out this "mystery" when there's not a single interesting character and the situation itself is just plain stupid. None of the characters are entertaining and you certainly don't care about who the killer really is.I'm really at a loss of words because this film is about as bad as it gets. As I said, the laughs were just horrid but I will say I laughed twice but that's not a good ratio. The performances are all rather silly but maybe they too didn't know what was going on. Ormsby would become a cult figure thanks to the Bob Clark film but there's just nothing here that shows he could direct and make a film entertaining.

I only really know cult film-maker Alan Ormsby for his starring role in the delightfully scuzzy cheapie CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS, but he also directed a trio of low rent films back in the day. Two of these are interesting - the Ed Gein-inspired DERANGED and the West Indian slasher POPCORN - while the third is THE GREAT MASQUERADE, which I saw under the title MURDER ON THE EMERALD SEAS.Sadly, this film turns out to have a pitiful storyline about a cop who has to go undercover in drag in order to find out who's been murdering women via some grisly knife slayings. The acting is largely contained on board a ship filled with partygoers, which occasionally gives this a Columbo-style feel, but sadly 95% of the running time is packed with dumb comedy that really makes it a chore to sit through.The film's lead - who appears to be Aaron Eckhart's lookalike brother - is a small-time cop required to dress up in drag to board the ship. Why he must do so is never really answered, nor is the situation funny. The laughs are sparse and never amusing, and although Vinegar Syndrome has marketed this as an exploitation movie, there are just a couple of scenes of nudity so fans of that type of film will be disappointed too. MURDER ON THE EMERALD SEAS is a very odd choice for high definition release.