...this wretched mess from the mind of a faux-auteur (wrote, directed, and produced---wow, no one to blame but himself!) reportedly cost a million bucks, but one can only wonder where all the money went. Up various noses, no doubt. This is trash with a capital T, kiddies, and you best believe it if you don't want to slice an utterly wasted hour- and-a-half out of your life. This baby is a fast-forward special all the way, with little to redeem it beyond bimbos in their underwear and an unexpectedly hilarious camel-toe.Terrible acting from two vacuous models who should never be allowed near a script again in their lives, a horrendously bad script replete with turgid, pointless dialog and a plot that only a nerd on the cusp of pubescence could enjoy, pedestrian camera-work, and production values so low that you really, really have to wonder, once again, where the heck all that money went. Scout "The Runaways" Taylor-Compton narrowly avoids derailing her career with a mercifully brief cameo (and a laughably bad old-age reprise), while Charles "Cherry, Harry & Raquel" Napier puts a sad, sorry end to his lengthy B-movie career (one can only hope he never had to actually watch this pitiable thing). Patrick "Sandlot" Renna proves that being the chubby kid doesn't much lead to stardom, Justin "Little Miss Sunshine" Shilton takes a badly-directed paycheck, as do a terribly miscast Danny "Seinfeld" Woodburn and an even more egregiously-cast Angela "I shouldn't be allowed near a script, either" Lindvall. Oh, did I forget the names of the two leads? Given the quality of their performances, I'm not surprised. Look it up yourself; I was too bored by them to give them the satisfaction.Another strike against the video buyer of my local library system, this is a movie only an Ed Wood could be proud of, and I think even Ed might raise an eyebrow or two at this nonsense.I gave it a point for Charles Napier's sake, one for Patrick Renna's desperation, and one for the camel-toe out of left field. Definitely didn't see that one coming. If you're smart, you won't even bother looking.

A blonde model, Brooke, and her good-natured brunette English girlfriend, Rhea, are at a New Years party in 1969. When an arrogant actor at the party apparently abuses a young fan, Brooke kills him brutally. As the two girls escape in a car on a desert road, Brooke runs over a rat or some creature. Now both girls flip out. She stops the car and Rhea has a breakdown. A small sandstorm appears and wipes out Brooke leaving only her clothes behind. Out of the sandstorm walks a masculine looking woman. It's god. God has a mission for Rhea- to fight evil. As a result she will gain immortality. But Brooke will be her challenge, she doesn't have a good heart.40 years later they are resurrected at the same spot. A driver stops for a hitchhiker nearby and the two girls catch up. Brooke has an insatiable hunger for blood and devours the two much to the protests of Rhea. They escape in the car to a gas station where they try to hide from the rising sun. There, a poor attendant has to witness these two girls arguing. Brooke can't control her hunger and wants the attendant. Rhea wants to fulfill her mission since she is god's warrior. Somehow Brooke manages to kill Rhea. Other patrons show up, the police show up, but they are no match for Brooke. Until god reappears.Life Blood sure has an interesting premise- vampires as avenging angels for god. However in this movie we don't get to see a lot of that. It's just about the two girls. And Rhea's challenge of dealing with Brooke. The cops and the store patrons are a Hollywood-correct diverse bunch of very silly people.Despite the low budget, strange story, this movie is very watchable thanks to some nudity at the beginning, lots of making-out between the girls, and the excellent acting of the two leads. It could have been a disaster of a movie but the entire cast takes it seriously and they make it work. The script has some signs of intelligence. The arrogant actor gives an appropriate speech about society letting him get away with anything because he is a star, and he sure is going to test the limits of that submission by society. God also gives an interesting speech but it's as if a limited budget forced the filmmakers to go off course and tell a very limited story.

The first half of this movie is a bit of a struggle to get through. It drags and the storyline is a pointless way to get to introduce the characters. Surely the writer could have figured out another way to introduce vampires... but I guess it is original.The second half of the movie is really cool and fun, it has a grindhouse feel to it. The director shows his skill at action scenes and Sophie Monk is incredible, displaying perfect delivery of dark humour, cool dialogue and menace - and sexy as hell shooting a gun. The old sexist sheriff and the fat Murder World clerk are hilarious! Overall, the story is pretty good, especially if you ignore the first half of the movie. Some poor editing makes some scenes a little confusing. The lesbian element to the story line is pointless, just titillation to get us to watch in the first place. And every time I saw 'God' I wanted to look away.Overall I give the movie a 6 (3 for the first half and a 9 for the second half).

Turdblossom. Would have made as much sense as "Pearblossom", the working title. The only thing I can take from the "good" reviews is once again, people involved in the "production" are writing them to give the thing positive buzz... sad, really.The dreadful plot is that a couple of lesbians are at a New Years Eve Party in 1969 (or maybe it's 1968, they say both) when one of them kills an actor for no apparent reason and they drive off into the desert for no apparent reason, only to be turned into Vampires by God (who for some reason is a chick in a see-through blouse.) God informs one of them that there mission is to kill evil people, but, blah, blah, blah, who cares.What is side splittingly funny are the implausibilities in this film. Such as the daughter of a couple of tourists being locked in her parent's SUV for the whole film. (Sorry, cars don't work like that. YOu have to be able to get out, the locks are for keeping people from getting in!) Or the rural sheriff's department that hires a midget deputy. (This guy has been in a bunch of horror films over the years, so I guess they hired him because you've heard of him, maybe?) But the capper is the incomprehensible dialog. Like the writer was too busy thinking about girl-on-girl action to actually have the girls say something intelligent when their tongues weren't shoved down each other's throats...