You don't cast a bland-looking nepotistic bore in the midst of a mostly heavyweight cast, regardless of whether you're making a Disney comedy or tortureporn. Desi Arnaz? He looks like he should be in "The Brady Bunch" or part of the Osmonds, singing some happy-flappy tune.The premise is just too stupid for words: a writer, Desi - doubtlessly a buffoonish writer (perhaps a parody of Stephen King?) - bets his publisher he can write a NOVEL on par with "Wuthering Heights" in 24 hours. Now, I'm no mathematics genius, but he'd have to type at lightning speed without no 1, eating or no 2 just to write ANYTHING the size of a novel (for example "all work and no play makes Desi a dull clown"), let alone a finished manuscript that would compare to a classic, overrated or not. This fact alone should have given Desi's boss enough confidence to win the bet without resorting to sabotage; I mean, who wouldn't win that bet? It'd be like someone betting you they can eat the Eiffel Tower in a week. Would you sabotage them?Dumber still, his boss concocts that plan - spontaneously(!) - how to screw over Desi, in what turns out to be more elaborate than an Oliver Stone conspiracy or that absurd Fincher flick, "The Game". Just how his boss managed to get the whole thing organized in a few hours, in what took on the shape of a major theatrical play almost, that's naturally never explained. Nor is it clear how openly CHEATING in a bet wins the bet. But then again, his boss does lose the bet in the prologue, after the whole charade: huh?The setting is nice, there's plenty of corny thunder every 5 minutes, and even the female cast is mostly not unattractive (a gift not to be taken for granted in a UK film), but the whole thing just wasn't funny (giving Desi all the shoddy one-liners just makes the dialog even worse), and the twist was quite predictable - simply because this is billed as a comedy. Kinda like putting 2 and 2 together.No, just because it's a "comedy" doesn't justify the sheer absurdity. Nor is it acceptable that the director LIES to the audience; for example, the scene in which the sexy brunette pours acid on herself. She was clearly playing for the camera, not for Desi, his intended "victim". That's rubbish writing, dumb logic. Characters aren't supposed to know they're being watched by an audience - otherwise they might start doubting their own existence, might start feeling a little like Keanu in "The Matrix" (IF that film had been intelligently written).Desi even hits on the blonde in the last scene, despite finding out she's married and meeting her husband - and the floozy actually hints she's up for an affair! Perhaps this dumb film was written by a swinger with a poor sense of humour.

House of the Long Shadows (1983) *** (out of 4) American writer Kenneth Magee (Desi Arnaz, Jr.) makes a bet with his publisher that he can write a masterpiece in just twenty-four hours. To help with the atmosphere, the writer agrees to write his novel inside an abandoned castle but before long a strange mix of characters show up.You really have to give Cannon credit for bringing together the four living horror legends. You've got Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Vincent Price and John Carradine in this film and that is enough reason to watch the film. With that said, what made them want to remake George M. Cohan's Seven Keys to Baldpate is anyone's guess. I mean, by 1983 the horror genre was in love with the slasher so the company trying to sneak an "old dark house" picture out there is a bit of a mystery. Needless to say, the film didn't strike any heat at the box office.With all of that being said, when viewing this film today it's impossible for a horror fan not to smile because of the four legends gathered up in one picture. The four of them had appeared in countless films together but never all four. Of course, you've got the added bonus of this being the final film between Lee and Cushing. You've also got to appreciate the fact that the four of them share a lot of screen time together. A lot of times you will have one playing a minor role and they won't share any scenes with the other legends but that's not the case here. All four are constantly together and this just adds to the entertainment.The story itself is a familiar one and the story itself was filmed countless times in the silent era and through the 30s and 40s. If you're familiar with the previous versions then you'll know that not too much has been changed here. This film really does keep it "old school" because there's no gore, no extreme violence, nudity or anything else that you might expect from a film made in 1983. The film is certainly too laid back and calm for most horror fans but those who don't mind that type of thing should enjoy this.HOUSE OF THE LONG SHADOWS isn't a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination but the cast makes it a must see.

"House Of Long Shadows" is a fantastic film with a brilliant cast of horror legends and I just can't believe that this movie isn't more well known, I've personally never even heard of it until quite recently and given the fact that it's directed by the ever brilliant Pete Walker whose other works I've enjoyed (Frightmare, The Comeback, House Of Whipcord). He displays the same elegance and chills in this underrated masterpiece and sad to see that this would be his last horror movie, but well I must say that this was a well and truly fitting end and going out with a bang.This does have that classic old school feel to it and given the fact that this came out in 1983, where horror had moved on to stalk and slash with the likes of Jason and Michael Myers. Well this may have seemed a bit old fashioned, but that doesn't take away the brilliance of this. The plot to this was very good and thought out with an American writer Kenneth Magee takes a bet with his publisher, that he can write a novel within 24 hours and arranges for him to go a secluded mansion called Baldplate Manor in the Welsh country side. But soon as he arrives he is greeted by two creepy caretakers and despite being told that the place is deserted, more and more people start to turn up, namely the previous owners The Grisbanes who hold a dark secret surrounding the place, and soon enough things start to take a strange turn with people ending up getting murdered.Well for starters the mystery element to this is very effective, and the tension that surrounds the mansion is well handled along with perhaps every horror movie cliché known to man thrown in for extra delight and plus featuring the legendary cast of Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Sheila Keith all in one movie, is a pure joy for any movie buff. Once all the guests arrive at the manor then the movie gets going at a very brisk and cracking pace, where event after event is thrown at the viewer, and the shocks and thrills never seem to stop and I loved the angle of which the story takes you, where we find out about the reason why the Grisbanes have returned to free their long lost son/brother from his prison of 40 years for committing a murder of a pregnant girl, then finding that he's escaped and is on a rampage of revenge, where the innocent bystanders get caught up in this terrifying web. The horror scenes are well delivered in this with some shocking twists and turns that keeps you guessing until the very end and with some brilliant and grisly deaths to enjoy along the way, and okay there are two random characters thrown in about halfway through for just pure fodder, but that only adds more fun to this movie.The acting performances, well what can I say from such legends and even the other cast members are well performed. The main character played by Dezi Arnaz Jr really holds his own surrounded by the screen legends and gives a very decent performance as the cynical American writer. Vincent Price gives a wonderful performance as always and may be known for hamming it up at times, but who cares with his brilliant dialogue and scene stealing presence. Christopher Lee, gives a no nonsense presence and pulls it off greatly, with his sharp dialogue and forceful manner, and as the movie goes on, he's given more layers to his character which works superbly. Peter Cushing plays a different type of character than his usual domineering presence in the Hammer films, here he is wonderfully eccentric and lovable and is the perfect foiling against the other two. Sheila Keith whose another brilliant and genius addition to this cast, in full creepiness mode and always a joy to watch in this and (House Of Whipcord, Frightmare and The Comeback), despite not given enough screen time and bows out relatively early, she gives an astounding memorable performance. John Carradine is another pleasing surprise in this, and gives a strong performance. Then finally Julie Peasgood as the love interest Mary, who I found rather likable and despite not being as memorable as the others, she was still a nice addition to the cast.All in all "House Of Long Shadows" is a wonderful throwback to the good old glory days of horror, that's highly entertaining and a hell of a lot of fun, the ending may be a slap in the face to some, but I found it rather fun, although does get rather confusing at the very end, but the other twists and turns that precede this, are brilliantly done and this stands as a brilliant must see for any horror fans.

House of Long Shadows is a joy to watch simply to see the great horror actors together. Base loosely on Seven Keys To Baldpate, it is about a popular novelist Kenneth Magee making a bet with his publisher as to whether he can write a Wuthering Heights type novel in 24 hours. In order to be able to write and to soak up the right kind of atmosphere, he drives through the Welsh countryside to a manor house called Baldpate Manor. There he finds an elderly couple, father and daughter who are supposedly the caretakers. That is when the fun really begins. I have always loved the old style horror movies and I grew up watching the films of John Carradine, Vincent Price, Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. Seeing them together was an absolute treat and while the story itself becomes a little silly, their presence lifts it into something more. The rest of the cast a wonderful in their roles, but really the film belongs to the four actors that play father and sons. Even if you find the plot of the film a little simplistic, sit back and watch the masters of the silver screen do their stuff. Enjoy.