Little did I realize when I woke up early this morning to catch "One Million B.C." on Turner Classics that I'd be lulled into catching yet another caveman flick right after with this one. As it opened I had a pretty good idea that this would turn out to be the Spaghetti Western version of prehistoric dinosaur films, and I don't think I was too far off. The hook turned out to be that this picture had a character named Akhoba just like the first one; I can't imagine that would have been such a popular name back in the Paleolithic day.I'm reading on the trivia board that only twenty seven words were used throughout the film. While watching I got the idea that with the limited vocabulary it would have been rather easy to figure out what each one meant after a while, but for the life of me I couldn't figure it out. The best was 'Neecro, Neecro' - each time I heard that one I thought they were shouting out to the Braves bullpen for a relief pitcher.So anyway, could there have been any other reason to make this flick than to appeal to a prepubescent audience going gaga over the likes of Victoria Vetri or Carol Hawkins in their skimpy fur bikinis? This one came really close to soft porn territory more than once, and Vetri goes almost full frontal at one point after her swim with Tara (Robin Hawdon). And check me on this, but didn't it seem to you like that big old green dinosaur was making goo-goo eyes at Sanna (Vetri) after doing her blonde on the half shell bit? Throw in the cute green gumby dino, the prehistoric Venus fly trap and that crazy crab at the end of the flick and you've got yourself one mad pre-Jurassic dino-fest. That this came from the Hammer folks obviously explains a lot, but what really blew my mind was that this whole movie was close-captioned in gibberish! To that, I can only say 'N'to'.

This is one of my all-time favorite schlock films. The plot is flimsy, the babes are hot, the historical aspect is all wrong, and it is in color (a rarity for a Hammer film) When I first saw this film on late night cable, it was the uncut version. In the uncut version, Tara (played by Robin Hawdon) fell down on his back in one scene, his loin cloth flipped up, and out popped his family jewels in their entirety for all to see! I have the DVD and this scene was deleted (darn it he was quite the lad!) Even though the scene lasted a few seconds, you still got a good look under his "kilt." And besides, he was the only male actor in that film that had a little tuft of pubes poking out of the top of his loin cloth. I guess he was the hunka-hunka of the day. Sanna is gorgeous and is the object of Tara's eye since she wondered into caveman camp. The language is made up of gibberish. For days, we were going around the apartment after watching this film yelling "AKEETA! AKEETA!" which seems to be the primary word in the film next to Neecro. I don't want to tell more of the plot, get the DVD on Amazon or EBay. Too bad it isn't the uncut version where you can see all the flubs including the cables that held up the pterodactyl's legs as he snatched Tara and took him to the nest.

Having just watched One Million B.C. (1940), I finally went on YouTube and saw When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth there. This Hammer production is not as involving as the previous Hal Roach one but since this one was made during the much looser late '60s/early '70s, the eye candy-both male and female-get to wear skimpier clothing for the prehistoric setting. Not only that but since the version I watched came from Europe, one-time Playboy Playmate Victoria Vetri is actually nude here! There's also some exciting dinosaur model animation especially that of the pterodactyl when one of his wings gets ripped. Jim Danforth definitely deserves all the credit for those scenes. While OMBC had minimal dialogue and played like a silent movie, WDRTE has way too much caveman gibberish (with "akita" being the most used "word") that probably contributed to the confusion that I experienced throughout. Still, with those dinosaurs and those skimpy women, When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth is at least worth a look. Oh, and that plant that tried to eat Victoria was way scary!

"When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth" is a follow up to the successful "One Million Years BC". It lacks the sweeping sense of an overpowering and savage primordial landscape, even though it was shot in the same location. The setting here is more mundane, much less foreboding, occasionally even idyllic in appearance.Human presence on the planet is more assured in this movie compared to "One Million Years BC". It looks like humans are on the verge of mastering their environment, and there is never a sense that basic survival is at stake. The biggest crisis involves interactions between individuals, and individuals verses groups. When the two tribes meet up, they are cooperative and have already been on friendly terms. There are stirrings (and seizures) of religious feelings, which include elaborate funeral rites and celebrations, and most importantly, sacrificing a blond girl to whatever heavenly body (sun or moon) seems the most threatening phenomena at the moment.As in "One Million Years BC", a distinction is made between blondes and brunettes. In this movie, blonds are considered evil. The movie opens with several young blond cavewomen set to be sacrificed to the sun at dawn by the rock tribe. But times are a-changing, the moon is coming into being and its birth disrupts the environment. One of the blond cavewomen, Sanna, escapes the sacrifice, falls into the sea, and is rescued by a handsome member of the coastal tribe. From this point the plot is reminiscent of a 1960s bikini beach party, shot through with jealousy. And if nothing else, "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth" is a gourmet feast for bikini watchers.The opening narration says, "It is the beginnings of man living with man." They forgot to mention it is also the beginnings of witch hunts! The story boils down to a personal conflict between Sanna and the dark-haired women of coastal tribe who want to make her a scapegoat, and the obsessed rock priest who is determined to sacrifice her. Men control religion, and fight effectively, but it is women who drive this movie. Unfortunately, the story is uneven and lags in many places. The same made up language is used for dialog as in "One Million Years BC", but since there is much more social interaction in this movie the constant banter gets tiresome as the movie progresses. The music is often light and playful, which disrupts the power of the drama.The dinosaurs do not have powerful impact on the story, even though they look great. The plesiosaurus attack and the chasmosaurus attack are excellent dinosaur scenes. The giant rhamphorhynchus attack is too derivative and lacks a connection with the story. In this movie, dinosaurs are defeated or neutralized by man in almost every instance in which they come in contact. Sanna even manages to tame a dinosaur during her exile, but this potentially amazing feat ends up with only a mediocre effect on the story.This is a moderately enjoyable caveman movie. I appreciate it for dealing with primitive religious concepts, and savor the emphasis on heavenly bodies.