First, let me say that I LOVE stupid, juvenile, slapstick humor. Just for reference, I've thoroughly enjoyed such movies as the 'Scary Movie' franchise, 'Vampires Suck', 'Meet the Spartans', etc - some pretty dumb, but funny humor there. There aren't too many comedies, especially spoofs that I haven't at least CHUCKLED at. Stan Helsing did not even make me smile. It was so bad it actually made me angry for having wasted my time watching it. Absolutely NOTHING in this movie is funny. Not even remotely. The ONLY and I mean ONLY remotely 'interesting' element of this movie were the hot actresses. I honestly don't understand how anyone could rate this movie more than one star. I'd give it zero stars if it were possible. Please do yourself a favor and avoid this movie - even if you can watch it for free. It's not worth your time, let alone your money.

I don't really need to remind you why this movie stinks, do I? It suffers from the same problems that made "Date Movie," "Epic Movie," "Meet the Spartans," "Disaster Movie," "Vampire Sucks" and the rest. Like the others, it has no plot, no jokes and really bad actors. Someone want to tell me why people see comedy classics like "Airplane" and "The Naked Gun," and think, "Hey, I could do that." Un, no you can't, otherwise we would not have yet another waste of studio money called "Stan Helsing." I mean, let's look at this story. It's about a guy who gets lost trying to deliver some movies. That's it. This isn't a movie. It's a series of clips making bad references to better movies in a weak time line of incidents with a lot of gay references and bathroom humor in between. There's a lot of exposition waiting for something to happen, build-ups to plot points that never happen and when the movie runs out of time, there's a rush to create something worthwhile. Out of no where, the video guy suddenly "learns" he's of a long line of monster hunters and goes all "Three Stooges" on some alleged serial killers dressed as someone's interpretations of some popular killers of the "blood and gore" movies that pass themselves off as horror movies today. The worst part about this movie is that the actors here think they're pulling off a funny comedy, but they're not. What they're doing is embarrassing themselves. I just got to ask: have our comedy expectations sunk so low that we are expected to laugh at people putting themselves up to ridicule? Have we really become that sophomoric as a society? I mean, when I compare this movie this much higher edge comedy like "Airplane" which was even considered sophomoric for its time, I long for the days when we still had comedy teams and comedy shorts.

There Is Nothing That Is Even Remotely Sane About This Movie, ITs Good But When You Laugh Garuanteed It Will Not Be A "Ha Ha Thats So Funny" Laugh It Will Be More Of A "What The F#ck Is Going On?" Laugh. I Also Recommend A Viewing If Your In The Mood For Something Stupid However With The Writers Of Scary Movie Would You Really Expect A Masterpiece? An Example Of The Insanity Is When The Most Recognisable Villains Of Horror Movies Sing Karaoke The Particular Song Was A Parody Of Y M C A, The Song Is S T A N The Funniest Thing Is Their Reaction To It.I Can't Tell You How You Enjoy This, If Your Overall Ready For A Smart Comedy Then Steer Clear, If You Just Want To Have A Bullshit Comedy To Watch Then I Hold This Up To You And Say "Go".

"Stan Helsing" is a dreadfully dull comedy that is poorly written, poorly paced, and not very well thought out. It's a shame, too, because the movie's title made me laugh.If you've seen the DVD cover of this movie, it tells you that the movie is made "by the executive producer of 'Scary Movie' (2000)". It makes me wonder why "Scary Movie" worked as a comedy and as a spoof, yet those who collaborated upon it have failed miserably when making their own spoof movies in a similar vein.Of course, I'm talking mainly about Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, two out of the six writers of "Scary Movie" who went on to make abominably unfunny parody films like "Date Movie" (2006) and "Meet The Spartans" (2008). In fact, the reason I wanted to see "Stan Helsing" in the first place was because Friedberg and Seltzer had absolutely nothing to do with it. However, while "Stan Helsing" is slightly more deserving of a theatrical release than anything by Friedberg and Seltzer, it shouldn't be commended simply because it sucks a little less than "Date Movie".In fact, you can tell just how desperate this movie is when the opening credits read "Stan Helsing: A Parody". Whenever a comedy tells an audience in writing what sub-genre it is, you may want the next hour and a half of your life back already.Stan Helsing (Ashton Kutcher lookalike Steve Howey) is a clerk at Schlockbuster Video (Yep, that's the name of the place). In one of the worst set-ups to any story, he is ordered by his manager to deliver a set of videos to the boss's mom. The problem is that it's Halloween, and his friends are picking him up in their van to go to a party.His best friend Teddy (Kenan Thompson) is dressed as Superman (reminding me immediately of Thompson's recurring character Superdude from his days on Nickelodeon's "All That" (1995)), and has two gorgeous ladies in the van with him. Stan's ex-girlfriend Nadine (Diora Baird) is allegedly dressed as an Indian, but is scantily clad enough to make any man in the audience not care. Teddy's squeeze is ditsy stripper Mia (Desi Lydic), who changes costume in a relatively clever running gag.Reluctantly, Teddy drives Stan to deliver the videos first, but of course they get lost. Stan keeps hearing that his ancestor is Van Helsing, who is described in this film as a monster killer. Of course, anyone with the slightest familiarity with vampire movies (not necessarily novels) will know Van Helsing as the man who hunts down Dracula in the Bram Stoker novel of the same name.I guess some people's minds have been poisoned by the Hugh Jackman vehicle, "Van Helsing" (2004). In that film, Jackman, as Helsing, attempts to kill not only Dracula, but Frankenstein's monster and the Wolf Man. The movie bombed, and came out six years before this one, thereby making it not very ripe for parody.Anyway, rather than Stan Helsing taking on the classic Universal monsters, he finds he has to kill more modern horror movie villains: Freddy Krueger ("Nightmare on Elm Street"), Michael Myers ("Halloween"), Pinhead ("Hellraiser"), Leatherface ("Texas Chainsaw Massacre"), Jason Voorhees ("Friday the 13th"), and Chuckie ("Child's Play"). The people playing these monsters not only look nothing like the originals, but they are also each equipped with cheap gags. Freddy Krueger wears a large watch around his neck a la Flava Flav, Pinhead has darts protruding from his head, Leatherface carries a leaf blower instead of a chainsaw, and Michael Myers wears a yarmulke.Yes, you read that right: Michael Myers wears a yarmulke. Why? Well, that character wears a white-washed Captain Kirk mask, and Captain Kirk was played by William Shatner, who is Jewish, I guess. The point is, these props don't make you laugh for very long, and mostly remained unexplained.In an even more wasted role, the late Leslie Nielsen just plays a guy in drag. Yeah, that's it. If someone had tried to call him Shirley, it may have been funny, but he just shows up, is in women's clothing, and that's really about it.There's also a tired Michael Jackson/pedophile joke that goes nowhere. Given that the film came out in 2009, the year Jackson died, the timing of the gag couldn't have been worse. The main cast isn't funny, the story makes absolutely no sense and goes nowhere, and there's an even dumber climax involving a karaoke contest. It doesn't even seem worth it to commend this film for not making outdated pop culture references.If you find yourself falling asleep during this film, just hope that Freddy Krueger appears in your dream and slashes this film reel to bits. At least that way, your dream will be more entertaining than this movie.