Promises.... Promises! (1963) * 1/2 (out of 4)There's no question that the story, acting, directing and production is one of the worst ever made but are you really coming to this film for any of that? PROMISES....PROMISES! is a landmark movie because it was the first one in history to feature a major Hollywood star nude. That honor goes to Jayne Mansfield who right around the four minute mark shows off her breasts in a bubble bath and within minutes we're introduced to two other nude scenes. This is really a hard movie to judge because there's no question that it's poorly made, dreadfully dull and lifeless but at the same time it's still quite shocking to see an actress from this era appearing nude. It's not like this is some smut film featuring an unknown woman as these have been around since the earliest days of cinema. No, this here was a well-known star taking off her clothes and the first scene in the bath is actually quite sexual so God knows what people thought back when this was first released. From its historic stance, this here is a must see. Mansfield appears in three different nude scenes and these are replayed throughout the movie. What shocked me the most is that the producers didn't hold the nudity until later in the movie and instead we get our first glimpse at the four minute mark and two other scenes shortly after. Usually bad movies with "one" gimmick hold off on the prize but I give the filmmakers credit for not messing around and actually giving people what they wanted. The nude scenes serve no real purpose to the story but it's Mansfield. The performances by the four leads are all pretty bad and especially Tommy Noonan who plays Mansfield's husband. His performance as a drunk is one of the worst I've ever seen but Mickey Hargitay (Manfield's real husband) wasn't much better. Mansfield doesn't seem to be too happy during any of the scenes as she doesn't give much of a performance. PROMISES..... PROMISES! is a bad movie and there's no doubt about that but at the same time it's a must see.

For someone with such a sunny personality,it's odd Jayne showed up in this low-budget lamebrain outing. Jayne showing her all was the main selling point of this opus. The picture is cheap looking and in grainy black and white,hardly the vehicle for the golden girl of the fifties. The story,such as it is,moves along very dully and proves boobs and Jayne do not a picture make. Certainly Jayne could handle comedy and one wonders how this might have been in more skilled hands. Supposedly Jayne required a whole bottle of champagne before she'd doff her clothes. The notorioty of the film gave Jayne a lot of unsavory publicity and probably ended her career in mainline movies.

Producer/writer/star Tommy Noonan's painfully unfunny shipboard sex-farce stars real-life man and wife Jayne Mansfield & Mickey Hargitay, wed to different spouses on screen. Hargitay's the husband of a middle-aged Marie "The Body" McDonald while Jayne plays Noonan's wife. Both women are trying to get pregnant while on a cruise but both men are convinced they're sterile; erection pills, a female impersonator, a paternity mix-up, brief (topless) nudity and a song or two follow before the inevitable happy ending. As the first film to show a "major" Hollywood star cavorting "au naturel", PROMISES! PROMISES! was featured in a much publicized "Playboy" magazine photo-spread, ran into censorship problems and was banned in several states.It's also known as a "Triple Ess" movie (three suicides) with a rather dark behind-the-scenes history- five people associated with the production died, either violently or by their own hand, in relatively quick succession: Director King Donovan's wife, Ann, died from an overdose of barbiturates; Marie "The Body" McDonald, wife of co-producer Donald Taylor, died from a massive overdose of drugs and alcohol in 1965 and two months later, Taylor himself committed suicide in the same room in which he found Marie; Jayne Mansfield was near-decapitated in a 1967 car crash; Tommy Noonan died after a brain tumor operation in 1968."The Body" was also in another "S-S-S" film: Paramount's 1942 proto-noir, LUCKY JORDAN. Marie, star Alan Ladd, and bit player Dorothy Dandridge all killed themselves. "Satan's slave" Jayne Mansfield's sagging flesh aside, PROMISES! PROMISES!, possibly the very first viagra flick, is a darkly fascinating "Hollywood Babylon" trope with the on screen action like a train wreck: absolutely awful but just try to look away! This tasteless, tedious exercise in titillation gets a 10/10 on an enigmatic, indefinable level (just because) but it's reely not very good.Reviews: "The only excuse for this shabby, sex-propelled contrivance is that obviously there is an audience waiting to devour it... Several glimpses of a bare-breasted Jayne Mansfield and one of her derrière-in-the-buff figure to satisfy the peeping Toms, Dicks and Harrys who frequent those offbeat, anatomical "art" houses where this attraction is apt to be distributed. But beyond the occasional vicarious sensual thrill it affords the ogle-happy denizen of these cinematic flesh palaces, there is nothing in "Promises! Promises!"... Her tape-measure performance can be summed up in the phrase, "thanks for the mammary". -"Variety", 8/7/63"...its vastly overrated. Miss Mansfield does considerable talking, little acting, and even sings (???) the title tune." -"L.A. Herald Examiner", 8/3/63

Promises! Promises! is probably most famous these days for the legendary nude sequences of voluptuous Jayne Mansfield which were featured in a sell-out Playboy spread and resulted in the movie being banned in several US cities.However, there's much more to recommend the film than the brief glimpses we get of JM's famed knockers. And if you think this film is slapped together rubbish with nothing worth watching besides Mansfield writhing around in the bath...then you'd be wrong! Belying its B-movie roots, PP is actually very well put together with a nice little plot and a good cast who seem to be enjoying every minute of making the movie. Tommy Noonan, as usual, is pleasantly geeky, Marie McDonald manages to pull off sexy and sarcastic without coming over as a bitch and even Mr Jayne Mansfield, Mickey Hargitay, is convincing in his role as McDonald's husband.And then there is Jayne. Despite this being yet another "dumb blonde" role for Mansfield, she is very good in this movie. Once her now famous nude scenes are out of the way we can concentrate on her performance and she really is very good in this. And naturally, she looks so good you could eat her up. And, true to her nature, she even manages to poke fun at herself and her image by having her character, Sandy, do an impression of Jayne Mansfield with comedian T.C. Jones.This film has been re-released on remastered DVD and is well-worth a look. It's sexy, saucy and of course has the added bonus of showcasing ALL of Jayne Mansfield's "talents"...but there really is much more to enjoy here.Catch it if you can!