I want to be generous, so--I'll give it a 4. The makers spliced two films: in the first, two stupid young boys do stupid things, then get directed by a wise judge onto a life road where they grow up and turn into men (this plot element comes unnoticeably to fruition, if at all); the second movie hacked in half and appended to this one is Love Story. My mother wanted to watch this movie and I wanted to keep her company, but it was getting unbearable, even with the pretty scenery, so I decided to look up the actors because she was curious. When I found out the young heroine was terminally ill with cancer, I decided that might be just interesting enough to enable me to stick it out.

The biggest problem I had with this movie, other than how completely unrealistic and ridiculous the entire plot was, was how the writers of "Here On Earth" apparently expected the audience to sympathize with LeeLee Sobieski's character. Never in my life have I disliked a cancerous female leading character more than I did this girl. She is nothing more than a horny, cheating, BORING teenaged idiot who thinks she's "in love" with Chris Klein's character after knowing him for all of 10 minutes. Clearly, it's lust based on the fact that she fell for him after seeing him shirtless. I mean, come on. That's not love. That's pure sexual attraction. These two characters had NOTHING in common except for their love for poetry. Oh wait, and that they both have dull personalities. Maybe that's what brought them together. Throughout the movie, the only character I felt any remorse for was Josh Hartnett's character. It was absolutely heart-wrenching to watch this poor guy endure his girlfriend's obvious affair behind his back after the only thing he'd ever done was love her and be completely loyal to her in every possible way. And this b*tch goes and cheats on him with a rich pretty boy simply because he looks good without a shirt on. And then when we find out she has "knee cancer," we're supposed to be all broken up inside and find it beautiful and touching that her ex-boyfriend and new boyfriend come together as friends to be with her on her last days alive. Yeah, NO. The two-timing tramp obviously learned nothing from having cancer since she felt she could just cheat on her boyfriend being that she was going to die anyway. Talk about going out with a bang! I guess she figured she might as well enjoy her last weeks on Earth screwing a hot guy behind her faithful boyfriend's back. If this girl was so "bored" and uninterested in her boyfriend, why didn't she just end it instead of cheating on him and making it SUPER obvious by making out with Chris Klein's character right in front of her boyfriend's best friend? It was almost like she WANTED to hurt him...for no reason! In fact, any decent human being would end a relationship even BEFORE meeting a new love interest if they were no longer in love with that person anymore. But alas, the leading lady in this movie was anything but a decent human being. So in conclusion, I despised this movie solely based on my hatred for the main female character played by the completely plain-looking and talentless LeeLee Sobieski. And Chris Klein could use some SERIOUS acting lessons as well. Josh Hartnett was at least tolerable.

In all sincerity, this is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. The crux here is that the producers were intending to make a good movie, but failed more completely than with any other production I've yet seen. The acting is phenomenally poor: phony emotions, phony intonation in conversation, and an atrocious lack of any believable body language. Throughout the film, character development is disjointed and inconsistent. A few of the primary personalities in the movie undergo a completely irrational character-shift. Unlike an eye-opening plot twist, the character shifting in this movie leaves viewers with a feeling of open-jaw "are you kidding me?" incredulity. Overall, this film gives you the sense that you're watching the pre-practice cut. I would highly recommend spending your time on something more enjoyable - like scrubbing the toilet, or sanding the paint off of a deck.

Dear Mr. Seitzman, Or Whomever I May Hold Responsible For Mr. Seitzman Not Meeting His Rightful Fate Of Being Eaten Alive by Rabid Wolverines;I do not know you, and so cannot comment on your character; for all I know, you give to charities and help little old ladies cross the street. Still, I must insist, for the common good, that you never write another screenplay as long as you live. Put down the pen, step away from the laptop! If you refuse to heed the pleading of wounded brains, I have watched a movie or two in my life, and I believe you will find my counsel helpful: 1. Do not include love scenes in which overwrought teenage boys name the body parts of their girlfriends after US states. If you must pen such a scene, please do not name the breasts "New York" and "New Jersey"; it causes unnecessary speculation as to which cities occupy the nipples. Also, it is almost incomprehensibly stupid and annoying.2. Do not rely solely on John Hughes movies in order to reinforce class distinctions.3. Do not bludgeon the audience over the head with exhausted clichés. Yes, yes, Kelley and Sam stand out in the rain, and it cleanses them of their cares. We get it. Yes, the roses continue to bloom in Kelley's dead mother's greenhouse, even though every other plant has begun to rot. It Is A Symbol Of Their Love. It is also very painful when applied via blunt-force trauma to the backs of our heads. For the love of God, Mr. Seitzman, we get it. We all get it, all across the land. Amish people, the hard of hearing, unborn babies - we all get it.4. Do not require the actors to perform mime sequences. Ever. No, never.5. Did I mention that you should ease up on the trite symbolism? Because the audience can draw the parallel between the rebuilding of the restaurant and the building of the relationship between Kelley and Sam without any help. Truly. We get it.6. Go through your script, and cull out the following lines, and any lines resembling them: "I don't know what we are anymore." "I don't want to lose you." "He's just like the rest of them!" (And its corollary, "Daddy, you don't even know him!") 7. Yes, yes, she's in heaven, running around in a field. We get it.8. And in other news, we get it.I have seen dozens of terrible movies in my life; I never expected to suffer for your art, and I would have just left the theater, but an elephant with the words "DOOMED LOVE" painted on its side fell from the sky and pinned me to my seat.In closing, your writing bites, you owe me ten dollars, and I hate you.