There is a little game that some 007 fans play as they watch "On Her Majesty's Secret Service," the first James Bond film to not star Sean Connery: They imagine how much better the film would have been had it featured Connery instead of (the sorely underrated) George Lazenby. Well, this viewer could not refrain from playing a similar game while watching (director) Sergio and (producer) Luciano Martinos' 1982 offering, "Scorpion With Two Tails." Here, though, I couldn't stop thinking how much better this picture would have been had it starred the Martino Bros.' erstwhile muse, Eurobabe sexbomb Edwige Fenech, rather than the blond vacuity that is Elvire Audray. Audray, a gorgeous actress in the Nicole Kidman mold, simply does not have the spark and thespian chops that Edwige might have brought to the role, but even if Edwige had been substituted here, I'm not sure that the resultant film would have been any more lucid. In "Scorpion," Elvire goes to Italy to seek clues after her archaeologist husband (John Saxon, wasted in a small role) is killed, despite the objections of her father (Van Johnson, of all people). Screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi (who seems to have written half the gialli I've ever seen) must have had some kind of psychoactive substance slipped into his Chianti before penning the story for this one, as this overly plotted picture conflates giallo-type murders, drug smuggling, Etruscan history, the supernatural, reincarnation, and discussions of antimatter and antiuniverses into one mind-boggling stew. Such grossouts as maggots (and lots of 'em), neck twistings, rats and bats are thrown in to keep the viewer stunned and amused. To be honest, I must say that I could never tell just where this darn thing was headed next, especially after the entire cast seems to buy the farm roughly around the film's midpoint. The picture looks handsome enough and also features an effective score by Fabio Frizzi. Still, I have watched this thing twice now and am still confused regarding several plot points. For example, can anyone tell me just what happened to all that darn heroin? In all, an entertaining if muddled pot of stufato....

Minor SpoilersIn New York, Joan Barnard (Elvire Audrey) is informed that her husband, the archeologist Arthur Barnard (John Saxon), was mysteriously murdered in Italy while searching an Etruscan tomb. Joan decides to travel to Italy, in the company of her colleague, who offers his support. Once in Italy, she starts having visions relative to an ancient people and maggots, many maggots. After shootings and weird events, Joan realizes that her father is an international drug dealer, there are drugs hidden in the tomb and her colleague is a detective of the narcotic department. The story ends back in New York, when Joan and her colleague decide to get married with each other, in a very romantic end. Yesterday I had the displeasure of wasting my time watching this crap. The story is so absurd, mixing thriller, crime, supernatural and horror (and even a romantic end) in a non-sense way. The acting is the worst possible, highlighting the horrible performance of the beautiful Elvire Audrey. John Saxon just gives his name to the credits and works less than five minutes, when his character is killed. The special effects are limited to maggots everywhere. The direction is ridiculous. I lost a couple of hours of my life watching 'Assassinio al Cimitero Etrusco'. If you have the desire or curiosity of seeing this trash, choose another movie, go to a pizzeria, watch TV, go sleep, navigate in Internet, go to the gym, but do not waste your time like I did. My vote is two.Title (Brazil): 'O Mistério Etrusco' ('The Etruscan Mystery')

The video of this I rented features lots of "Americanized" Italian names. I get how "Paolo Malco" (from MST3k's "Escape 2000") became "Paul Malco", but how did "Sergio Martino" become "Christia Plummer"?Anyhoo, this French/Italian coproduction tells the incredibly unengaging tale of some drugs hidden in some ancient burial tomb thingee and some other stuff happens and there may or may not be supernatural forces at work. Alan Hale jr-look-a-like Van Johnson (MST3k's "San Fransisco International") gives loooong expositional scenes, and John Saxon (MST3k's "Mitchell") gets his head twisted backwards (and apparently the killer also switched his right and left hands). Another victim looks like a cross between Michael Caine and Elmer Fishpaw from "Polyester". The music by Fabio Frizzi is just the score from "Gates of Hell" used again. The special effects are just maggots- maggots on photos, maggots on hands, maggots on statues. Anyway, it should go without saying, but don't watch this movie.

Boring and disappoiting work from shlockmeister Sergio Martino. Nothing much happens on the screen... Giallo specialist writer Ernesto GASTALDI was really tired this time. Elvire Audray is pretty but a terrible actress...Nice to see former sexy star of the italian adventure/action movies of the 60's Wandisa GUIDA but unfortunately she isn't doing much.Cinematography is standard TV-like. You simply don't care about the plot, the actors but you will hate the awful muzak.The fact Sergio Martino gave up on the anamorphic 2:35 format is, I think, a turning point in his career. He began with this "thing" (I hardly call that a movie)a long serie of disappointing and less radical movies especially aimed at a more US and european market (2019 AFTER THE FALL OF N.Y; ATOMIC CYBORG; AMERICAN RICKSHAW among others) where his visual style (weird camera angles, fast editing...) totally disappeared. You'd rather avoid this easily forgettable ASSASSINIO AL CIMITERO ETRUSCO and prefer TUTTI I COLORI DEL BUIO or LA CODA DELLO SCORPIONE, his best works to me.