That's what DOLL SQUAD writer\producer\director\actor (guard) Ted V. Mikels must have asked his cronies before foisting this sorry mess upon an unsuspecting world. Ted's intimates were too kind (or too dumb, depending on how you look at it) to answer "Because your mom's friends could more convincingly spoof THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, Ted." Or, "Because it seems your script writers wrote every third sentence--independently of each other, making this story impossible to follow, Ted." Or, "Because some of your musical riffs rip off the actual Bond music so directly, you're bound to get sued, Ted." Or, "Because your 'special effects' are cheesier than a fondue pot, Ted." Or, "Because even the men in your cast can't act or fight a lick, Ted." Or, "If you let anyone besides blood relatives see this mess, they'll think a 16-year-old thought up the whole thing, Ted." Or, "If you film 10 gangs of kids playing 'Spies' in their back yards, 8 or 9 of these films will be better than DOLL SQUAD, Ted." Side note: Mercifully, the print TV channel TCM shows from time to time of DOLL SQUAD has a continuity break in the first half. Apparently it is derived from a print or videotape that had a 10-minute long tangle "lost" in the splicing repair process, yielding a revised running time of 91 minutes, 23.25 seconds (this site says the original length of DOLL SQUAD is 101 minutes). This flick is SO BAD it is not surprising in the least that no one at TCM realized that there was a 10-minute segment in the middle missing!

The Doll Squad pre-dates the hugely successful television series Charlie's Angels (1976 - 1981), and it's intentions are similar. After a catastrophic space shuttle launch, the clandestine group of government agents, must form to conquer this criminal conspiracy. Sabrina Kincaid (Francine York) is called to gather the scattered doll squad, a group of female agents. Practically all American films and television in the 1970's that involved crime were embroiled in conspiracy, from Starsky and Hutch (1975 - 1979), Police Woman (1974 - 1978) to The Amazing Spider-Man (1977 - 1979), and this film seems to have paved the way. It's certainly true that the producer of Charlie's Angels (Aaron Spelling) did go to the premier of The Doll Squad.The films production is obviously incredibly low budget. Ted V. Mikels was previously known for the grindhouse cheapie's The Corpse Grinders (1971) and Blood Orgy of the She-Devils (1972), but this film's production values certainly rise above the limitations, and also look a lot better than the horror films. Where the film really fails is in the pace. It struggles through several clunky dialogue scenes, and often uses a piece of funky, disco-esque soundtrack (which is used far too much throughout the film) seemingly to attempt to give a dull scene a bit of pep - such as what appears to be either a fast walk down a long corridor, or a slow walk in a short one.However, when the action does heighten, and that same piece of music is used appropriately, the film does have its moments of fun. It's always good to see the heavily made-up, statuesque '70's women beating up the weak men, from the women in prison movies, to proto-punk Switchblade Sisters (1975) - and of course their raison-d'etre, seduction. The film also boasts an appearance by Tura Satana, who was electric in Russ Meyer's Faster Pussycat. Kill! Kill! (1965). Whilst the film has it's lagging moments, and tedious dialogue, it doesn't ever really become boring. All the limitations actually function well within the context of the ludicrous scenes, and gives the film humour. A lasting example would be, of course, the technical effects for explosions. Mikels's solution? Superimpose a flare of red over the exploded object, then cutting object out: ridiculous, cheap-as-chips, hilarious!

This highly entertaining action flick is from the legendary Ted V Mikels, director of The Astro-Zombies and The Corpse Grinders. The Doll Squad is a laugh-a-minute cheese-fest of the first order. Mikels apparently sued Aron Spelling for nicking his idea and creating Charlie's Angels. Well, I don't know about that, but what I do know is that I would've been perfectly happy if there had been a series based on this movie. The basic premise is one that really you cannot go wrong with – a group of sexy action chicks take on an evil genius and his army of boneheads and save the day. It's a perfect recipe. What makes it so much fun is that the cheese-factor is in hyper-drive.The film is ram-packed with action from start to finish. Lots of machine-gun toting babes, girls high-kicking men in the face, amazingly fake looking explosions and an array of ludicrous gadgetry. We have bad guys who blow up after drinking explosive vodka, an evil character who has his face set on fire by a cigarette lighter flame thrower and an undercover agent with fake face who is unmasked in a hilarious Scooby Doo style fashion. And for some reason the bad guys travel around in cars sitting on the bonnets, while the Doll Squad navigate the rough terrain of the island in high-heeled boots. Everything is accompanied by the most 70's soundtrack ever recorded. The film is just an endless succession of seriously silly events.The only member of the cast I recognized was Tura Satana from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! fame. She is strangely subdued it has to be said but it's always nice to see her. The rest of the Dolls are completely unfamiliar to me but they all just get stuck in and kick butt at every opportunity. There is a perhaps surprising lack of nudity but it doesn't really matter. The Doll Squad is a blast from start to finish and I strongly disagree with the view held by some that it is boring at all. It's loads of fun.

MASTER PLAN: blow up rockets, get a microfilm and spread a bubonic plague - whew, the villain is busy in this one. Though a fan of seventies cinema, I've missed seeing this film until now and it really does seem like an earlier version of "Charlie's Angels," beating the TV series to the screen by a few years. But, this is much more violent compared to that safe TV style; in fact, there's also more of that seventies brutality here when comparing this to the James Bond films, the other franchise this movie sort of emulates. Neither side in this film, meaning the good gals and the bad guys, messes around. In an early sequence of scenes, the villain (Ansara) sends some assassins for a preemptive strike against the squad; one assassin shoots a squad member twice in the head at point blank range and still checks to make sure she's dead. Meanwhile, the Dolls deal with the villain's guards by having them swallow pills which literally make them explode. The squad's leader avoids her own assassination in a particularly heated fashion. These babes are brutal, in that cheap thrill sort of way, and terming them as a 'Doll Squad' is actually a bit insulting.Most of the complaints about this film have to do with it being dull and, yes, there are a few slow spots, but, despite the obviously cheap quality of this Bond-wannabe, it's surprisingly entertaining. Just as in the first Flint film "Our Man Flint," a computer selects the ideal agents for the mission, requested by a senator & intelligence supervisor (Eisley); this also reminded me of the "Mission:Impossible" TV series. There had been other female Bond films, such as "Modesty Blaise;" this one presents a whole team. Most of the plot involves their plans to raid the villain's stronghold where, in the tradition of villains with unlimited funds, he employs his own private army. The last third is the actual attack, and there's much gunplay and karate chopping, not to mention explosions matted in optically (real explosions were probably too expensive, but there's a certain charm to these FX). The squad leader (York) has a personal history with the villain, who delays killing her because of this. York is pretty good in the role, not just a talentless bimbo, while Ansara excelled in these melodramatic larger-than-life roles. This also features a unique film appearance by Satana, who became a cult star in "Faster Pussycat..Kill!Kill!" but appeared in very few movies afterward. The climax even resembled the climactic action of "The Dirty Dozen" - femme fatale style, of course. Heroines:6 Villain:6 Male Fatales:5 Henchmen:5 Fights:5 Stunts/Chases:4 Gadgets:3 Auto:3 Locations:3 Pace:4 overall:4+