This was an EXTREMELY unimpressive movie marred by, among other things, Tarzan's inability to act. However both Bo Derek and Miles O'Keeffe are EXTREMELY pleasant to look at. So when the movie was over and the end credits rolled, not a soul stirred in a fairly packed cinema, every last person sat bone still and glued to the screen throughout the whole of the end credits.Now why one might ask would an audience do that for such an unimpressive movie? It's because Bo Derek and Miles O'Keeffe were engaged in passionate lovemaking, stark naked on the beach as a background to the whole of the credits. Most faces were at least slightly red as the lights came on and everyone could be seen as having watched the whole time.I had to wait till everyone else had left the cinema, as my girlfriend had been wearing a sky blue cotton, skin tight shift that day. The squeal of embarrassment she let out after standing and discovering that a large patch of it had turned dark blue where it had been inconveniently moistened by her arousal, followed by her rapidly diving back into her seat, is to this day one of my favourite memories.A one star movie is for me a movie that I walk out of. I did not walk out of this one, so that makes it at least a two star. The above however raises it's score to a three star.

You know Leonard Maltin once said that for this movie he might have to think of a rating lower than bomb. After seeing this cinematic atrocity, I'd have to rate it as "Nuke" as well. Geez, how the Hell can John Derek take a movie that's basically about a hot blonde's chestal units and STILL make it boring (incidentally you don't even get a glimpse until almost an hour into the movie. But you DO get Richard Harris running around in a skimpy nightshirt as compensation. Yay?)Other lowlights? It takes forever for the film's namesake to even appear in this film (and does nothing) and Bo can't carry the movie by herself since she has yet to learn any other expression besides "vapid." (They could have gotten a blow-up doll to stand in for Bo with little difference.) Richard Harris meanwhile is hammy enough to be packaged by Hormel. And like a ADD-addled child getting Baby's First Camera, John Derek randomly pounds on every "camera trick" button with idiotic resolve! A sloooooow-motion fight with a snake overlayered with dissolving images is the pinnacle of this inept, overlong nonsense.The plot? Basically Jane, Tarzan, and a particularly frisky orangutan have engage in very, very dull foreplay. "Scary" painted Natives intervene for some reason (more nude scenes! Duh!)Seriously people, avoid this atrocity and stick to outright porn. You'll at least get a more coherent plot and better acting that way.

I appreciate John Derek's "Tarzan the Ape Man" (1981) because it's so unique and it does inspire the awe of nature, whether scenic, animal, human or romantic. The plot of the film focuses on Jane Parker (Bo Derek), who goes to remotest Africa in search of her explorer father, James Parker (Richard Harris). She joins his party (which includes John Phillip Law) and they climb to the top of a mysterious escarpment whereupon they discover a wild white man, Tarzan (Miles O'Keeffe). Meanwhile the aborigines don't take too kindly to their encroachment.The opening MGM emblem tips off that the film shouldn't be taken too seriously: instead of the lion's roar we get Tarzan's famous jungle yell. The movie is generally serious, but in a comic-book sort of way. There's a nice sense of awe as the party traverses through the wilderness (it was shot in Sri Lanka and the island of Seychelles, 1500 miles SW of Sri Lanka), particularly when they discover the great escarpment and, then, the fictitious inland sea.The animals are great as well, particularly the magnificent lion, the friendly elephant who scoops up Tarzan's body and the playful chimps & orangutan. By the way, the Asian elephant and orangutan present an obvious plot hole since they're not native to Africa. Not to mention James' native babe, Africa (Akushula Selayah), since she's clearly of East Indian stock (although he might've picked her up on a different expedition). Also, the muscular dude who plays the "Ivory King" (Steve Strong) is obviously a white dude painted black. Speaking of the Ivory King, Steve Strong really hams it up with bad acting befitting of a gym rat and why does it take so long to simply wake him up? The second act is kind of boring. It consists mostly of Jane and Tarzan getting to know each other in the jungle. There's a beauty and innocence to the scenes, even a sense of awe, but they're probably too long for the average viewer. Still, the film celebrates this aspect of the human experience much as the Song of Songs in the Bible celebrates the consummation of a man & woman with overtly erotic language (read it and see for yourself)."Tarzan the Ape Man" is reminiscent of 1976's "King Kong" in tone. Remember the sense of awe of that film coupled with the comic booky material? Remember when Kong bathed Dwan via the waterfall and gazes on in wonder? Remember the stretched-out dramatics? This is what you get with "Tarzan the Ape Man". It's an adventure film with a lot of drama and little conventional action. When the action comes -- Tarzan vs. a huge snake and Tarzan vs. the Ivory King -- it's presented in slow-motion, which is strange and hardly thrilling. And, yet, it sets the film apart. "Tarzan the Ape Man" takes its time in telling its story; by contrast, 1998's "Tarzan and the Lost City" hurriedly jumps from one sequence to the next with hardly any room to breath. They're both Tarzan films but from two completely different approaches. I just viewed them both back-to-back and it's an interesting comparison.Of course, "Tarzan the Ape Man" is a showcase for Bo Derek. She's a beautiful woman both inside and out, but she's not a perfect "10" in my opinion. Her physicality is indeed statuesque, but her butt is too flat and her thighs too skinny (sorry if that sounds crude; I'm just being honest).Miles O'Keeffe LOOKS great as Tarzan, but that's it. He has zero dialog beyond Tarzan's patented yell and, worse, zero depth as a character, except that he's benign and heroic. This is disappointing because Burroughs' books presented him as highly intelligent and even a type of Yahweh (the LORD), as in "the Lord of the jungle". But the film focuses on Tarzan when he is first discovered by Europeans (when he knew how to read via kid's books, but not yet how to speak English), so this can be forgiven.One aspect of the film is outstanding and that's Tarzan's kinship with the various animals. An excellent example is the innocent playfulness of Tarzan, Jane and the orangutan in the closing scene.Also, Richard Harris is worthy of note because he gives the role all his heart and is convincing. Despite his constant (and loud) blathering he does have some interesting insights -- like the importance of living life to its fullest and the humility to turn to God when he's totally spent (and it works!). In other words, the film isn't just mindless adventure; it features some gems to chew on."Tarzan the Ape Man" was a modest hit in 1981 but, surprisingly, there was no sequel. It would've been interesting to see O'Keeffe's Tarzan develop as a character and his relationship with Jane. But maybe John and Bo accomplished everything they intended to with this film and found the idea of a sequel superfluous.BOTTOM LINE: "Tarzan the Ape Man" is a unique Tarzan film and worth it for the sense of awe -- the marvels of nature, the amazement of animals, the beauty of the (fit) human form and the wonder of (true) sexuality.The film runs 107 minutes.GRADE: B-

Having seen "10" about a year earlier, and thinking Tarzan the Ape Man might be similarly funny and entertaining, I took the 45 minute drive from a very rural town in San Mateo County, California "over the hill" to San Carlos to see a late night showing one Friday night in 1981. There were only a few people in the theater when the show started and several left as the movie dragged on. I was bored out of my mind except when Bo Derek found herself in a situation where she could shed her clothes. From the standpoint of pure physical beauty of human form, Bo Derek was at her physical peak when her husband shot her for this film. Twenty-seven years later, I remember in vivid detail the scene of her coming out of the ocean in full-frontal nudity. A 12 or 14 foot tall image of Bo's glistening wet body strolling up and out of the blue ocean directly towards the camera, into bright sunlight is one of the most beautiful images a person could ever imagine. She is stunning and the image will be burned into my memory for the rest of my life. When VHS was available in the late 80's or early 90's, I rented a copy from RKO video and was disappointed that most of that scene had been cut. If anyone knows where an uncut version is available, I would surely enjoy reliving the experience.