Glendon Wasey is a fortune hunter looking for a fast track out of China. Gloria Tatlock is a missionary nurse seeking the curing powers of opium for her patients. Fate sets them on a hectic, exotic, and even romantic quest for stolen drugs. But they are up against every thug and smuggler in Shanghai.....If you ever want to see a film starring a married couple who have zero chemistry in a movie, then this is a must.It's labelled as an adventure romance, so you'd be forgiven to think your about to watch a homage to Indiana Jone ps by way of romancing the stone. Instead you get a film that is more like a homage to Firewalker, by way of Allan Quartemain in the eighties, and every bit as bad as it sounds.We have Paul Freeman pretending to be an old Oirish clergyman, and the big reveal at the end is wasted, because we see him without his contacts in for at least five minutes before he goes 'ta da'.There's a man with porcelain hands, Penn looks like he's been taking some sort if narcotic throughout filing, and Madonna, is supposed to be a virginal missionary.......Isn't it all hilarious.It's dreck of the highest order, and no wonder they broke up after this, I hated everybody after sitting through it.Devoid of almost anything, it's a surprise it didn't sink Handmade pictures....

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person who thinks this film isn't a complete waste of time.I first rented the movie waaaaay back when it first came out on video and actually quite liked it. Then when it became available to buy, I hot footed it down to HMV to get my own copy, and I wasn't disappointed.Let's start off with Madonna. First of all, she looks gorgeous in this. And you know what, her acting isn't that bad. Yes, you read me right, she's not bad. What lets her down, however, is the clunky dialogue. Not even Meryl Streep could do much with this. But she's more than competent with what she has to work with.As for the story, well, it was never going to be a contender for film of the year, but it's straight forward enough and even has a little twist at the end (and no, I didn't see it coming). Madonna is a missionary out in Shanghai, trying to procure opium while Sean Penn is a... not sure exactly what he is, but he ends up helping Madonna against the baddies. Yes, it's full of clichés, but it's upbeat and doesn't take itself too seriously.I realise that the film won't be to everyone's tastes, but it's honestly not that bad.

In 1938 China, a pretty but prim missionary needs to find a hidden stash of smuggled opium (for medicinal purposes!) and attempts to recruit the help of a ratty-looking con-man; his latest get-rich-quick scheme is glow-in-the-dark ties! After an OK opening (without Sean Penn and Madonna), this falls completely apart, weighed down by lethargic attempts at screwball comedy and no chemistry whatsoever between the leads (then a married couple). Based on Tony Kenrick's novel "Faraday's Flowers" (a better title), this failure from George Harrison's HandMade Films must have been a devastating blow to the ex-Beatle, who also executive produced, co-wrote the score and wrote and performed the songs (which are heavy on the camp-Asian allure). Just getting through the picture is a chore, and everything about it seems eternally misjudged. NO STARS from ****

Who thought this up? It must have looked brilliant when they got Sean and Madonna in the same movie. Unfortunately Sean goes through the whole movie looking like a kid pretending he's in a movie and Madonna as usual just plays herself, badly. Nothing to see here, move along folks...