After writer Nina (Lisa Milano) inexplicably commits suicide, her brother, Hollywood actor Mark Gray (Greg Braddock), tries to find out why, his investigation leading him to an old church where a cult of vampires plan to invoke the devil to preside over an unholy 'black wedding'.Even with a scant running time of just over an hour, Satan's Black Wedding, from director Nick Millard, is still a real test of endurance, the film being inept in almost every department: the script is crazy bad, amateur actors struggle to keep their plastic joke-shop fangs in place, the blood is obviously bright red paint, the day-for-night shooting still looks like broad daylight, the sound is diabolical (in one scene, the dialogue is almost drowned out by the noise of nearby traffic and passing aircraft), and a pair of rats look embarrassed to be involved (at least the humans had a say in the matter).While some people clearly enjoy Millard's work for its sheer clumsiness, I can't bring myself to rate it any more than 2/10—the same low rating that I also gave to Millard's previous movie, Crazy Fat Ethel (1975).

Sexploitation director Nick Millard dabbled in the horror genre a few times in his career. His best known effort in this capacity is the howlingly stupid "Criminally Insane" a.k.a. "Crazy Fat Ethel" (itself followed by a sequel). Then there's this cheap and tacky opus, which is decidedly more obscure. Lovers of genre rarities and bad movies will likely get a kick out of it. It may not be quality stuff, but it has a certain clunky charm, and lots of gory imagery to please splatter aficionados.Greg Braddock stars as Mark Gray, an actor who travels to North California to attend the funeral of his sister. She's supposedly committed suicide, but it turns out that she ain't dead. She's *undead* now. And she goes about attacking their aunt, the aunt's housekeeper, and other unlucky people.The movie comes complete with some delicious hambone acting by Ray Myles as the sinister Father Daken. This role is the most fun and has the most colourful dialogue / exposition. Braddock is an utter stiff, but Lisa Milano seems to be enjoying herself as the now predatory sister, sporting some utterly hilarious, ridiculous looking vampire teeth. The guy playing the intrepid detective Lt. Scott certainly looks his part."Satan's Black Wedding" is expectedly crude, but it's pretty amusing in its own silly way. The out of tune piano score is just icing on this cheesecake.And the run time is only 63 minutes, so it won't take too much time out of anyones' life.Five out of 10.

"Satan's Black Wedding" doesn't quite have that irresistible "what the hell am I watching?"-factor that Nick Millard's much more famous effort "Criminally Insane" had but hell, if Millard can't put a smile on my face anymore you can honestly pull the plug on me. Just check out his unique editing style, the guy can't splice in a shot realistically to save his life but that's why we love him. Who cares if two actors talking to "each other" don't even appear to be in the same ZIP code, it's all just part of the charm. Especially if one of those actors is the otherwise completely unknown Ray Myles, who gives a genuinely excellent performance as some sort of half-vampire, half-satanist (have your cake and eat it too). Lead Greg Braddock is somewhat less impressive, but his amazing underacting is a spectacle in its own right. He walks into a room covered with blood with a look on his face like he just found out the supermarket is all out of his favorite shampoo. My sister died a gruesome death, I am...mildly irritated? Nick Millard is a huge cinephile though, and occasionally this almost shows here. Some shots in this movie are actually quite stylish, there's some "Nosferatu" influence in there but it's tough to be classy if your vampires have plastic fangs. But still, I was sorta into this from time to time. The cinematography looks good, the music is repetitive but creepy nonetheless, this really is quite above Millard's standards. It's not quite as entertaining as some of his other work, but it's almost what you call accessible. If only it had an actual ending instead of just stopping at a random moment, that would have helped it even more.

*minor spoilers*A man travels to California to unravel the mystery surrounding his sister's death. He learns that she had been writing a novel about Satanism, and spent much of her time at an old church outside of town. Soon, he begins seeing her in the company of a creepy-looking priest(and with a decidedly bigger and sharper set of chompers than he'd remembered), and eventually learns a horrifying truth...that he and his sister have been chosen by Satan to be wed in very unholy matrimony, and to become the proud vampire parents of the Antichrist.SATAN'S BLACK WEDDING is an under-the-radar obscurity still largely unnoted by the votary of horror fans...an unfortunate thing, because for all its technical shortcomings(production values are nearly nonexistent), this gritty grassroots flick actually delivers in a strange way. It's thick with eerie emanation, and serves up some surprisingly savage vampire attacks. The affrightment is beneficially italicized by the film's gloomy score(of mostly spare, crunching piano), and a cast of total nobodies perform acceptably for such a proletarian production.A strange little appurtenance from the muster of 70s drive-in horror, SATAN'S BLACK WEDDING is a film many will disregard as tossable schlock. That being stated, it may just as well prove a rewarding excavation for those drawn to remote film oddities.5/10