Dr. Cane (Jack Gould) secretly raises raptors on his quiet ranch, gathering up road kill. Alas, Dr. Cane can't seem to control the herd as one of them has eaten Abbi's mom while she was praying. Abbi (singer Jana "cleavage" Mashonee) leads a group of young adults away from the raptors, driving around in the Partridge Family bus.The film created some colorful characters, but they were too shallow and lacked the needed dialogue to make the film interesting. Raptor special effects were fairly decent for a low budget film.Film is about on scale for a made for TV flick. Jana Mashonee is gosh awful pretty in a set of Daisy Dukes and the only reason I would ever watch the film again.Parental Guide: No f-bombs or nudity. Clothed sex scene with minor groping and raptor.

This movie was just a completely different movie than I had imagined. And it's all thanks to the "uniqueness" of the characters, if I may call it that. Here we have the stereotypical, bossy, Green Arrow impersonator, driven waitress who works for a stereotypical sleazy, fat, greasy, inappropriate, degrading politician/restaurant owner/toy store owner/car dealer who decides to use his power in a town of THREE, count 'em, THREE people. We also have the old farmer who just so happens to be a mad scientist/ doting pet owner on his farm of dinosaurs who can somehow miraculously use up ALL of the gas in town...until morning when apparently the town revitalizes EVERYTHING, including the girl's and guys' broken down cars. How, you ask? I'm guessing magic! We also get, in this treasure trove of diversity, a gay BLACK guy. Yes, you read that right. A gay, jazz singing black guy with his two backstage singers. One is a dumb, blonde slut who LOVES everything and the other is the very embodiment of all things emo-teen- psychopathic. I honestly don't know where they come up with that! It's brilliant! And then we have the dorky-yet-cute and wimpy college dude forced onto a ski trip (through the desert) by his skirt chasing Nimrod buddies (one is hot, one could lay off the chips). And the dinosaurs are characters of themselves. We have the ever so watchful velociraptors, who are basically just there for a show...I think one of them went for country food later. We have the GURL-POWER ULTIMATE CYAN BLUE FEMALE WHATTHEFUDGEISITASAURUS REX! And then we have the T. Rex, A T. REX, who decides mid chase that he will not be confined to just being a hunter. He shall also be an interior decorator. We got to see him in action when he somehow bust through the waitress's house and painted the couch with her boss' intestines as he screamed for her (ooooh, a hint of love?) and the goth, geek, and waitress stood there screaming like we all would. We also had our ever intelligent forensic scientist who was apparently foreign who forewarned our ever present CSI/FBI/Monster Hunter agents to remain indoors. And indoors they stayed, sleeping like good little heroes because they work hard. Oh so very hard. HARD. So hard in fact, that when they sleep, nothing-not even the screams/barking/crashing/ smashing/stomping/shrieking/roaring/scraping/hysterical laughing of the cast-could wake them. Nope. Guys gotta get their sleep. Thank you for protecting your country, gentlemen, you are an inspiration. And, let's not forget the amazing scenes of this tiny rundown town...that has a factory that produces anything your imagination can think up. Like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory...except with dinosaurs instead of candy and oompa loompas. My favorite parts are the dinosaurs dramatic entrances. Like when the fat, skirt chaser switches on and off all the switches that so obviously, but not obviously, say DOORS- LIGHTS- BETH *CAUTION* (our daddysgirlasaurus rex). Over and over. To test the dinosaurs ability to perceive escape.As the waitress and goth stand in the middle of the farm, staring at him in deep contemplation of his IQ status. And there was the fact that, as long as you don't SEE the dinosaur, even if it's behind you/ stalking you/wants to ask you about our lord and savior, it will not run after you if you run back to your friends/people who abandon you at the earliest opportunity. And, as Madam Dark and Crazy demonstrates, YOU CAN FISH FOR RAPTORS using a toy fishing rod and a doll. Sure, go ahead, reel it in! She also showed us that dinosaurs are great back messagers. With just enough pressure, it can make you feel like it just snapped your spine oh-so good. But don't let me tell you. Ask the FBI/Sleepyhead agents who can only be raised from their slumber by an explosion...Not a roar.An explosion. This movie has got it all.

Personally I don't get all the hate for this film, I thought it was entertaining and diverting enough to kill 90 minutes. Has some cool death scenes and fun acting by Lamas(reprising his role from Raptor Island and Raptor Planet), the CGI isn't horrible, i've seen way worse. The Story is nothing special, but then again with Sci-Fi Channel films you know not to expect Oscar-caliber writing. Is it a smart film, hell no, but it's infinitely more watchable then say those godawful Paranormal Activity films, the Twilight movies, those horrible remakes of foreign horror films(I.E. The Eye, Shutter, Pulse, One Missed Call, The Grudge, etc)

Even from the trailer, Raptor Ranch from the get go was one such movie to not expect too much from and to not take too seriously. The trailer did look sort of fun, if in a guilty-pleasure sort of way, and any movie deserves to be seen fairly. Sad to say that from personal opinion Raptor Ranch is every bit as bad as the reviews and ratings here say(and no I am not one of those immature people who voted 1 literally a year before Raptor Ranch was even released), one of those instances where the ridiculously hyperbolic IMDb plot summary is more entertaining than anything in this movie put together. Even for a low-budget movie the movie looks cheap. It has a very drab look, is edited awkwardly often and the dinosaurs not only move with such stiffness but they are poorly designed and textured- they would belong more at home in perhaps 70s-80s high school art projects- as well as not blending at all within the backgrounds. The soundtrack is at best forgettable and it adds little if at all to the movie. The dialogue sounds improvised judging from the delivery and sounds incredibly stilted, the humour often forced. If you're looking for any excitement, suspense, tension and surprises, look somewhere else, the storytelling is incredibly simplistic and predictable with a story that is nowhere near enough to sustain the length, even before the ending you can tell they were running out of ideas. Raptor Ranch tries to incorporate different genres, like horror, thriller, comedy and action-adventure and because of primarily the forced humour, the complete lack of creativity and the atmosphere being next to non-existent it fails miserably at every single one. You don't engage with any of the characters, it is true that every stereotype seems here and they are written very poorly, coming across as obnoxious and spoilt brats. In fact you find yourself rooting for the dinosaurs and they are also the best actors, that's saying little because they also have a lack of personality so you cannot relate to anything that goes on within the story and what's happening to the characters. When the dinosaurs' acting is little to write home about, that goes to show actually at how awful the acting is, it doesn't even look like acting. The action is limp and even the death scenes lack originality and suffer from the worst of the editing, the only thing that they succeed in doing is that you are secretly glad that with every killing that there is one less annoying character to "care" about. All in all, an amateurish mess(so much so it is very difficult to find a shred of entertainment value), prehistoric terror is a far from apt description and it is best left forgotten. 1/10 Bethany Cox