To say Queen Kong is campy is an understatement. Some might say they spared no expense on special effects for the movie but l say they they spent no expense on the special effects. Be prepared for more stock footage, rip offs of popular movies and the worse script and directing since Ed Wood Jr.'s "Plan 9 From Outer Space" Why did I give it 7 stars you might ask? Because I absolutely loved everything Ed Wood Jr. made. In the end it's a pretty good spoof of King Kong when you consider all the indignities thrust upon poor Kong since the big ape's first appearance on the silver screen.

It's the film that makes PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE look like a professional masterpiece and has to be one of the worst, albeit most unseen, movies ever created. It's certainly one of the crudest. Up until now, I had considered NO SECRETS! to be the worst British comedy film that I'd ever watched, but all that changes with QUEEN KONG, a film so bloody awful in absolutely every respect that it should be a must for every movie-goer, in order to make them aware of the skill that goes into everyday movies.Conceived as a spoof on the recently-released remake of KING KONG, starring Jessica Lange, QUEEN KONG was shelved after producer Dino De Laurentiis threw a fit and restricted the film's release wherever he could. Even today it remains a little-seen movie, more talked about than anything else. Judging by the state of this movie and the wave of stupid sex comedies which filled the British market back in the late '70s, our film industry was in a terrible state - something from which it hasn't really recovered.Robin Askwith stars as 'Ray Fay' - the screaming male lead in this gender-bending variant on the classic tale, which follows the plot of KING KONG very closely indeed - so much so that you know exactly what's going to happen. However, along the way they throw in lots of jokes that fall repeatedly flat - I can't think of one intentionally funny moment in this entire film. Things reach a new low with an EXORCIST joke which really highlights this film's level of humour.Askwith, incidentally, was never much of an actor - his acting consisted of mugging at every opportunity - yet even he seems good here, in comparison to the rest of the abysmal cast. Rula Lenska is the irritating female lead, an obnoxious director with her own agenda, and her acting is terrible. There aren't any other principal characters, and only a couple of other blokes in the thing. The other stars are a bunch of interchangeable actresses who run around a lot in bikini tops and skimpy shorts - it's that kind of movie. Look hard and you'll spot the ever-lovely Valerie Leon as a native priestess or something, in a new career low for her. I'm not surprised she gave up acting shortly afterwards. Linda Hayden also cameos as a singing nun for no particular reason, for about a minute before dying.As well as the non-direction, shoddy editing, and tinny, inappropriate music, the special effects in this film are appalling conceived and make the ones in DR WHO look like visual masterpieces. QUEEN KONG is obviously a man in a tatty-old ape suit, who walks around in some over-size sets on occasion or alternatively is back-projected in front of tiny, running people. This is rather obvious due to the bright blue screen behind her every time this happens. The prehistoric "monsters" that Kong fights in the jungle are pitiful, especially a rubbery Tyrannosaurus rex whose jaws bend back and forth with the slightest touch. Just when things can't get any worse, a rubbish Pterodactyl appears, sometimes huge, sometimes tiny, depending on the prop they were using. I realised then just how good the effects in AT THE EARTH'S CORE are in comparison.However, for me, one special effect in particular highlights the cheapness of this production. We see an obvious model of Kong being pulled down the River Thames, wrapped in chains, on her arrival to London. At this particular moment, somebody swoops a toy helicopter past the top right of the picture. I couldn't believe my eyes and had to rewind this scene to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but yes, it is a model helicopter up there, with the top hidden to avoid the hands of the man holding it. Just one poor moment of many, QUEEN KONG is a truly pitiful film, only worthwhile as a curiosity, in the same way that people crowd around road accidents in a morbid way. For a much more fun British take on the Kong legend, check out 1961's KONGA, complete with a hamming Michael Gough and equally dodgy special effects - but at least they had some money and made an effort in that particular film.

When they announced the first remake of King Kong in 1975, other Countries scrambled to make they're own Kongs. There was China's Mighty Piking Man and Thailand's APE, both sucked to high Heaven. But one of these Kong wanna-be's stand out and that was Queen Kong. While the rest of the world went out of there way to rip off the classic Kong storyline and fail. The British decided to go another direction, not imitate, parody. Thus Queen Kong was born, of course made quickly and cheaply there are some production value issues. But it is clever and funny and I feel that Benny Hill had a hand in it somewhere. I find the story hilarious, the effects passable and the acting over the top, in the funny way. In my book as Kong rip offs go, you can't go wrong by doing right. This is the best of the rip offs, it's clever twist makes it not only worth watching, it makes it worth owning. 9 BIG STARS.

The film stars Robin Askwith as Ray Fay, Rula Lenska's character (a film director) is called Luce Habit. There's a few other recognizable actors in the film, well I recognized them - Carol Drinkwater (The first Mrs.Herriot from the BBC TV series All Creatures Great & Small)), Robin worked with the second Mrs.Herriot Linda Bellingham in "Driving Instructor" so I guess Robin and Christopher Timothy have something in common (though I doubt Robin had an affair with Drinkwater), the other recognizable actors are Valerie Leon of Carry On fame, and Linda Hayden in a cameo role playing a Singing Nun.Here's the plot - Luce is filming in the jungle, her lead actor can't handle the riggers of the job and storms out of the camp, which is appropriate because he plays a "Camp" character. So Luce goes to London searching for a new male lead, "he has to be gentle yet strong and manly", guess who she picks. Luce drugs Ray and takes him to the jungle Island Lazanga "where they do the Conga" to finish her film. While filming of course they discover a village of maidens led by Valerie Leon as the Bikini clad High Priestess, of course they decide Ray a perfect sacrifice for Queen Kong, so they capture him and leave him on a giant table inside a cake for Queen Kong to eat. Of course Queen Kong doesn't eat Ray, but she does fall in love with him. The rest of the story is pretty much like the original King Kong, they take Queen Kong to England and all hell breaks loose.The opening credits song for Queen Kong has to be heard to be believed, here's the lyrics - Queen Kong, Queen Kong Queen Kong is the chick with all the hair Queen Kong comes from I don't know where Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong Queen Queen Queen Queen Queen, Queen Kong She's a Queenie who aint weenie She's a Queenie Queenie Queenie for my weenie When I'm feeling mighty spunky I want to do it with my hunky monkey Queenie Queenie Queenie Queenie, Queen Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong, Queen KongQueen Kong is riddled with bad jokes, but Robin & Rula deliver them without batting an eyelid, here's one of the early ones in the film that made me cringe, Robin's begging for a joint from some hippies - "Hey man have you got a joint, come on just let me have one please, I won't bother you again" the Hippie says "know man you're always after a joint, you say just one, but you keep coming back for more, beat it man, I said beat it man" Robin says " I tried beating it, but the Pope said it was wrong". Here's one of Rula's, Robin says " look at that great wall, what lies behind that great wall" Rula's reply "the Chinese have always lied behind the great wall"The special effects for Queen Kong (if you can call them special) are terrible, they quite fit the film though, I have a feeling they're extra lo w budget on purpose.OK, I liked the film, it kinda had the same feel as a Leslie Nielson "Naked Gun" film, and there's a link, the Queen impersonator in the first Naked Gun movie also appears in Queen Kong. Queen Kong definitely deserves to be taken from the vault and released properly, I would love to one day own a special edition widescreen version on DVD, with a commentary by Robin and Rula, but that'll probably never happen. But hey! Tim Burtons doing a remake of Planet Of The Apes, maybe with all the monkey hype that's going to be hitting us next year, someone might figure let's cash in, just a fantasy I know.