Interviewed some years ago, actor Nicky Henson was asked how he felt now about 'Psychomania', the cult 1972 shocker in which he played a Hells Angel who rises from the dead. "Ashamed!" was his response. One wonders what he must feel about 'No.1 Of The Secret Service', a cheaply made secret agent movie released in the wake of 'The Spy Who Loved Me'. Some background is in order; in 1965, Lindsay Shonteff directed and co-wrote 'Licensed To Kill' ( known in America as 'The Second Best Secret Agent In The Whole Wide World' ), in which Tom Adams played British spy 'Charles Vine'. It proved popular enough to justify two sequels ( neither involving Shonteff ). In 1977, he revived the character, altering the surname to 'Bind' ( possibly for legal reasons ) and giving him the number '1'. Like his predecessor, Bind is quick with guns ( and has developed a penchant for twirling a pair of Magnums like some flamboyant Western gunfighter ). Because this was the '70's, he was free to make sexist comments about 'big knockers' and pinch girl's bums. He also does Mary Lou Retton-style back-flips and drives a cool-looking car.His main adversary here is 'Arthur Loveday' ( Richard Todd ), an eccentric millionaire who has decided to embark on a one-man moral crusade by murdering financiers profiting through the selling of arms to Britain's enemies. He makes no pretence at innocence; when Bind visits him at his country home, he not only confesses to the killings, but challenges Bind to try and stop him. One bizarre murder attempt after another ensues ( including one by a woman equipped with Dracula-like fangs ). Loveday has enlisted the services of K.R.A.S.H. ( Killing, Raping, Arson, Slaughter and Hit ), a kind of mercenary-for-hire outfit. The plot is more 'Avengers' than 007, but sadly lacks that famous series' wit and class.Henson is excellent. Not only is he handsome, but has a natural flair for comedy ( as he later displayed in the 'Fawlty Towers' episode 'The Psychiatrist' ). Todd is also good as 'Loveday'. One wishes the pair were in another film, one with both a decent budget and better script. Bind's dialogue contains some Bondian quips; surviving an attack by a barber, he remarks: "that was a close shave!". 'Service' often looks like it was made by the production company responsible for 'Adventures Of A Taxi Driver'. There is no gadgetry, and the fight scenes are messily choreographed. Quite a chunk of the film is set on a cross-channel ferry to Bologne. But no sooner have we arrived than the story shifts suddenly back to Blighty! Squeaky-voiced Aimi MacDonald is miscast as M15 agent 'Anna Hudson'. In a running gag ( which grated on me ) each time she meets Bind he wets her blouse with a soda syphon ( she is not the bra-wearing type ). Geoffrey Keen is Bind's grumpy boss 'Rockwell' ( previously played by John Arnatt ), and Katja Wyeth is his 'Miss Moneypenny'-like secretary 'Miss Martin'. Also in the cast are Dudley Sutton ( as the leader of K.R.A.S.H. ), Sue Lloyd as a horny nun, and Jon Pertwee has a cameo as a Vicar who loves porno magazines. Fiona Curzon, cast as a girl whom Bind meets in a bar, was promoted to leading lady for the sequel 'Licensed To Love & Kill'.Despite the cheapness of the production, this is worth watching. It is rubbish but knows it, and does not care. Some of the shoot-outs will have you goggling in disbelief. At one point, Bind is lured to a deserted airfield. Jeeps containing khaki-clad K.R.A.S.H. killers race into view. Standing nonchalantly in the open air, Bind wipes out the lot with his Magnums and an automatic machine gun built into his car. A cool customer is our Charlie. Catch this in the right frame of mind and you might enjoy it. Don't expect any super tankers, underwater cars or laser satellites though. The catchy theme song - 'Giving It Plenty' - was sung and composed by Simon Bell.Henson was signed to do two sequels, but an offer from the R.S.C. made him change his mind. Shonteff was gracious enough to release him from the contract. Ex-'New Avenger' Gareth Hunt stepped into Bind's shoes for 'Licensed To Love & Kill'.

This belated spy spoof doesn't offer many laughs (in fact, I can hardly point to one big laugh in the entire picture), but it's bizarre enough to be worth a look for curiosity's sake at least. To give you an idea of its sense of humor: a man stabs a woman in the back of a taxi; the driver turns his head and says "You're such a lady killer, sir". If you find that kind of pun hilarious, you're in luck - there's plenty more where it came from. If you don't, you're out of luck - especially since the "action" parts of the film are so technically crude (director Shonteff has the habit of shooting fights from such strange camera angles that you can barely make out anything at all). Richard Todd, as the ultra-suave villain, adds some class to the film; the actor who played the Minister of Defense in some of the Roger Moore Bond films also turns up here, as Bind's boss. And the music score is more fun than the film itself. ** out of 4.

Thanks to a larger than usual budget and Nicky Henson's amusing performance in the lead role, No 1 of the Secret Service is about the best of Lindsay Shonteff's cut-price James Bond spoofs. It even achieved a national cinema release in the UK, on a double-bill with the Roger Moore-Stacy Keach actioner, "Sicilian Cross" - ironic really, considering Henson is parodying Moore as the suave No 1!Those new to the Shonteff style will be bemused by the impenetrable plot, the bizarre sense of humour and the ludicrous comic-strip violence, while Aimi MacDonald is nobody's idea of a James Bond girl - she recites her lines as if she's presenting "Play School"! Nevertheless, it's fun to watch Henson and Keen play at being Bond and 'M', the fight choreography is better than "Big Zapper"s ludicrous Kung Fu battles and the theme music is catchy.

Director Lindsay Shonteff has been responsible for some of the worst abortions in British cinema history, as anyone who has seen his indescribable 'Big Zapper' will testify. He had already tried to spoof the Bond genre in the mid-sixties, but his cheapjack product hadn't cut it against 'Thunderball'.With Roger Moore firmly established as the 'new' Bond in 'The Spy Who Loved Me', Shonteff obviously decided to try again. Casting ex-Witchfinder General Star Nicky Henson as a rather tepid Secret Agent was the closest he came to a good idea: he spoofs the Moore Bond very well, and forces the question as to whether he may have been a more satisfactory Simon Templar in 'Return of the Saint'.In a nod to 'The Ipcress File', Sue Lloyd pops up (though not out) and says a few lines. Also present are 'Spy Who Loved Me' actors Geoffrey Keen and Milton Reid: their presence hardly enlivens the film, but at least they are familiar faces.On that subject, 2 interesting British horror film starlets can be seen: 'Theatre of Death' actress Jenny Till and Hammer queen Katya Wyeth. Both have since disappeared.Cheap explosions, lousy dialogue and not very special effects all wear the viewer down, but the diverting script, amusing playing and superbly corny music keep the interest (if not the British End) up.