"Der Skipper" or "Kill Cruise" is a West German 95-minute film that was released in 1990. The language here is listed as German on IMDb, but there are also versions with English language out there. The writer and director is Peter Keglevic and this is possibly his most known work. The film is basically a 3-man show consisting of Jürgen Prochnow and British actresses Patsy Kensit and Liz Hurley. Prochnow was of course very known through "Das Boot". Kensit was also a bit of a star when this was made over 25 years ago, but for Hurley it was a bit of a breakthrough film as she wasn't famous yet.This is the story of a captain who agrees to sail from Gibraltar to the West Indies because two young women want him to. Off they go and basically the entire action takes place on the boat. You can imagine that with two women and one men, you will see scenes of jealousy misogyny, sex and of course survival. I would not say it was a great film in terms of any of these factors, but it was very much worth watching and a pretty decent thriller. You see both women (your choice who to prefer depending on if you like blondes or brunettes) in bikinis most of the time, which is an additional treat too. But then the last 12 minutes or so start and that's where the film goes really down in quality. The sudden plot twist involving Hurley's character came absolutely out of nowhere and I felt it made so little sense that it almost destroyed the entire film and everything before it. This ending is also why I would only recommend this movie to really the biggest fans of survivals movies. Everybody else should skip it or they will be as confused and disappointed as I was. Then again, maybe I overrated the film a bit in general before the last scenes already because I like Prochnow and Hurley. Thumbs-down, overall.

I'm not sure what I expected from a film starring two of the worst actresses ever to (dis)grace the silver screen, but Kill Cruise is even worse than I could have imagined. This is possibly the first thriller without any thrills. In fact, it should be re-named "Two Irritating Slappers Stuck On A Yacht".The film begins promisingly. Patsy Kensit (Su) and Liz Hurley (Lou) perform an appalling musical number in a club and then Liz performs an impromptu strip, flashing her boobs. Unfortunately, the comedy ends there. Su and Lou pick up a drunken German skipper (an embarrassed looking Juergen Prochnow) for what I assume was a threesome and decide to sail with him to Bermuda. Shortly into the trip, Su becomes jealous of the relationship developing between Lou and the skipper and generally behaves like an idiot. This jealousy then escalates into general insanity.Kill Cruise doesn't even have the decency to be a mildly amusing "Dead Calm" rip off. That film exploited the claustrophobic atmosphere of a yacht to magnificent effect. Kill Cruise doesn't even bother, in fact nothing really happens. The most thrilling moment is probably when everyone falls asleep and the ship hits some empty oil barrels. Now that will have you on the edge of your seat. The finale itself is so anti-climactic that it borders on being shameful. The twist is utterly nonsensical and the epilogue is so stupid and irrelevant that it almost defies belief.The only reason I give this film 3 stars instead of 1 is out of sympathy for Juergen Prochnow, who does his best despite the ridiculous material that he has to work with. The only other thing the film has going for it is the opportunity to laugh at the amazing lack of acting ability displayed by Liz and Patsy. What a sorry pair.Kill Cruise really is an exercise in futility. If you are going to make a thriller, please provide some thrills. And if you are going to disguise your dull epic as a "character study", then at least flesh out the characters and try to make their actions vaguely believable. This is one cruise you will be happy to skip.

(There are Spoilers) Surviving a violent Mediterranean Sea storm the skipper, Jurgen Prochnow, was unable to save the life of his friend and fellow seaman Paul Pelikan, Mario Stock, and his former, and now Mario's, lover Mona, Gvalyna Szapolowska. The Skipper hold's himself responsible for their deaths even though he was cleared of any wrong doing by a Seaman/Mariner Court.Losing his nerve and getting drunk the Skipper hangs out all day and night, for six months, at the local Califorina Club drinking instead of going back out to sea on his ship the Bella Donna. Things change for the Skipper when he's approached by a young British duet of singer and dancer Su & Lou, Patsy Kensit & Elizabeth Hurley. The two are dying to get out of this boring ghost town of Gibraltar and sail to sunny and swinging Barbados in the West Indies. A trip of some 2,500 miles that would take over a month. The Skipper needing a reason to go back to sea on his ship jumps at the idea that the girls proposed to him and the next day the Skipper together with Su & Lou and their pet pooch Willard sails past the "Pillars of Hercules" into the wide open and dangerous Atlantic Ocean. It turned out to be a voyage straight into hell.Great scenic and ocean photography with a number of spectacular sunrise and sunsets can't overcome the film "Kill Cruise" unconvincing script and totally unbelievable surprise ending. The ending is so off-the-wall that it makes you wonder if you fell asleep while watching the film and missed something that would make it at least plausible to the movie's story.A less then glamorous Elizabeth Hurley and down in the dumps-looking Patsy Kensit make up the trio, or quintet if you include the cute little dog Willard, on the cruise yacht Bella Donna. Thing start to get edgy when Su becomes jealous of the Skipper taking her friend, and possibly lesbian lover,Lou away from her as they both have a sexual tryst right in front of her. Su plans to murder the Skipper, as well as Lou, by first letting them drown at sea as they were both swimming, and making out underwater, by taking off with the boat Bella Donna. Later Su hides the insulin that the Skipper needs for his diabetic condition and his life is saved by Lou who finds it just in time, hidden by Su inside a world globe, just before in went into insulin shock. With the crazed jealous and murderously inclined Su on deck the movie then immediately changes course where we see the three on board with Su & Lou dancing and singing as if everything that we saw up until then was forgotten about. Then were hit with an ending that's straight out of nowhere.

WEll this was a true tale of the seas, that would have been better left bobbing around like the corker it is. The crew were good looking enough but they were so slovenly that they deserved to be keel hauled before breakfast, (for the sharks that is). The only reason to keep watching beyond the first few minutes is the vain hope that the two crew might get it on, so let me save you the trouble and let you know that they don't. I have to say that Hurley was virtually unrecognizable, whether it was pre-surgery or that simply thinning her eye brows really dose the trick, I am not sure. To sum it up I think it would have best served each of their careers, including the director, if this film had simply sunk without trace or even a ripple. Aye aye cap'n, loose the ma'n sail, hard to port if you get my drift.