I'll just cut to the chase. Instead of renting/buying this movie, take a few bucks out of your wallet, throw the money in the toilet and take a big ole dump on top of it. Flush.There. Same difference.Of course, THE ASYLUM has produced little watchable product so it comes as no big surprise, but this one is worse than usual. It looks like it was filmed as quickly as possible with absolutely no regard for logic, style or even entertainment. There's some gratuitous female nudity thrown in no doubt designed to try and draw your attention away from the fact that this is nothing but a steaming pile of cinematic poo. I'll be hardpressed to try anything else from these people. Avoid at all costs.

This is another one of those in-betweeners--similar to Kali: Tears of a Clown or whatever the hell the name of that film was . . . oh, yeah--after working up the energy to click a couple times, I see the proper name of that one was just Tears of Kali. An in-betweener is a film that's not low-budget-crappy enough to be directed by John Specht, but no major studio put 20 million dollars into this puppy, either, so you can't expect something as slick as, say, I Know What You Did Last Summer. In fact, IMDb is telling me that Jolly Roger was made for a mere 500 grand. For that amount of money, and considering how "hiss" poor this could have been if Sub Rosa would have backed it instead, this isn't a half bad film.In fact, I popped it into my DVD player with the anxiety that it was going to one of those shot-on-a-99-dollar-DXG-video-camera messes where I can't hear any of the dialogue unless I crank up my stereo to 10 and put on a pair of headphones, but director Gary Jones and crew went to pains to ensure that this back-from-the-dead avenging Pirate slasher flick looks and plays relatively professional. That's not to say that you can't tell that this is a low budget indie: the acting can be rougher than the Pennsylvania leg of the Appalachian Trail; you'll swear that at least one actor had to be a producer or closely related to a producer; the music has a generic porno film quality; there are a number of weird jumps in the narrative where it seems like a reel of film or at least a couple script pages must have been lost but they just didn't think it was that important; it's often difficult to tell if the script was supposed to be written as more of a comedy--you'll certainly be laughing at some dialogue and events--like the ridiculous cop/coroner(?) and the fact that one protagonist figures that the best way to record a list of names off of carved stone with a paper and pencil is to do a rubbing.But despite all of those blemishes, despite the fact that the plot is obviously cribbed a bit from The Fog and the villain was designed to cash in on the mega-success of Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean films, I found myself enjoying Jolly Roger more often than not, and it's not just because of the traditional slasher film move of showing plenty of breastages--although that certainly didn't hurt.The title character is a nice, kinda campy idea for a new slasher villain. Jones and co-writer Jeff Miller wrote a simple but captivating and even occasionally suspenseful story where they do a decent job of weaving together a few different threads. Jones' timing is pretty good--the film has a nice flow aside from those few weird narrative jumps. Although some of the acting is rough, some is not bad at all. They found great locations. They made the smart move of putting a lot of the money they had into cameras, film, sound and effects.I know some people said that the effects in the film looked cheap, and occasionally, they do look fake--for example, the Jolly Roger character clearly has a mask on with black makeup around his eye--but for this budget level, the effects are pretty incredible. There are decapitated heads galore, for example, which are modeled just as well as any 100 million dollar film. The actual scenes of violence--often leading up to those fake heads--are slightly rougher, but they're not at all bad. Rough technical problems are often cleverly shot around, and you'll never EVER see effects even a quarter as good in a Sub Rosa film unless they have a serious change of production philosophy and probably an influx of inheritance money from some long lost member of the Stanze clan. Even the Jolly Roger character, despite the obvious mask, isn't at all bad. The design of the character is great overall, and I actually prefer that Jones didn't just shoot his face in darkness all the time--a viewer should be able to use some imagination.Don't pass this one up just because it's not perfect--just don't expect anything high gloss, and watch it with a sense of humor--there are occasional moments of enjoyable, sublime absurdity for those of you like me who enjoy that kind of thing. I'd love to see what Jones and his collaborators could do with a Jolly Roger sequel if they had at least 10 times the budget and maybe some input from Frank Henenlotter.

...And if that's the best thing you can say about this movie, then that pretty much tells you all you need to know. Jolly Roger, a homicidal pirate from the year 1719 or something like that, gets resurrected by some teens drinking and carousing on the beach. He goes on a rampage, kills four of the six teens (the other two escape and become the leads of the movie) and then goes on a decapitation spree in the oceanside village of Cutter's Cove. He's apparently recognized all the people he kills as descendants of people who stole his buried treasure back in the 1700s -- because in today's modern society, everyone's family has lived in the same town for 300 years. And then he goes to a strip joint and kills a stripper and the bouncer. Whatever. His big ruse is that he's green and looks like Kermit the Frog with a pirate's costume and facial hair, so all the people of Cutter's Cove probably laugh themselves into getting decapitated by him. And the movie looks like it was filmed in a two-block area of a depressed fishing community. You know this is a bad movie when SciFi Channel makes it the centerpiece of its Saturday night lineup, but doesn't re-run it at 1 a.m. like it does most Saturday night features. I'm giving it a 2 only because Jolly Roger switched things up and amputated the strip joint bouncer's arm, then bludgeoned the guy to death with it -- a nice change of pace from the usual decapitations and a rather entertaining scene all the way around.

"Jolly Rogers: Massacre at Cutter's Cove" is just a nice, goofy slasher film.**SPOILERS**A group of friends, Alex Hendricks, (Tom Nagel) his girlfriend Jesie Wetherly, (Kristina Korn) their friends Ray, (Leigh Slawner) Eve, (Hajar Northern) Zelda, (Kellie McKuen) and Tom Torrington, (Justin Brannock) decide to have a little fun on a deserted beach one night. When one of them finds an old pirate chest buried in the sand at the beach, they unwittingly release a demonic pirate, Jolly Roger, (Rhett Giles) who proceeds to massacre the friends at the beach. When the police arrive, Alex and Jessie, the only survivors, are taken into custody and fingered as the killers. Knowing the pirate did it, they escape and set out to find him. The police are also investigating the rash of murders in the town, as Jolly Roger continues on a crusade to seek his revenge.The Good News: I wasn't expecting this one to be as much fun as it was. The film has a charm that all movies of this caliber have, and it's supplied in spades. The greatest aspect is the cheesy way that the action comes out. It's not at all serious, and the resulting tone makes it all the more fun to watch. A light tone is essential in making a film with as goofy a premise as it does enjoyable. A pirate returning from the dead to wreck havoc in a town is something that doesn't need a serious spin on it. Having a zombie pirate slashing people is a nice premise, but it needs to be goofy to pull it off. The highlight scene, the pirate getting a lap-dance from a stripper in a strip club, is a classic example. The fact that it even happens is the best part, and it features enough laughs to keep it interesting is a wonderful achievement. The deaths in here are quite plentiful, and the body count is quite large. Just about all the deaths are by decapitation, which makes it all the gorier. The other deaths in here are just as nice, and a couple are some nice and rarely-used twists on others that are quite nice to see. Having a poking stick in the eye, with the marsh-mellow still on it is a nice change, and it gets shown that way here. A couple of other wounds pop up as well, making the film just a tad bit gorier. It doesn't stick around long enough to become tedious. It quickly gets in and gets out. The beginning is the perfect part, as it features a large amount of action to keep it entertaining. That is right behind the lap-dance as the highlight of the film.The Bad News: The main problem I have with the film is that there is too much CGI in the movie. Every single kill is done that way, it's so obvious that it is that it does become distracting at a point. Is it too much to just get rid of computers for FX and just go back to practical work from now on? It looks better and more realistic, and it makes the workers responsible seem more personal, rather than just the dull, emotionless CGI that's cropping up in these movies. It's always something that's worth complaining about, so maybe it can get some clues about no longer using that technique. The film doers have a couple of other questions that don't get answered or just a little off of what would really happen in a real life situation. The other big thing about this one is that it reminds quite heavily of "The Fog" with the whole idea of coming back to claim the lives of the descendants of the town's founding forefathers who screwed over the villain. The ending just comes out of nowhere. It really serves no purpose and just ends up being confusing.The Final Verdict: While a lot of fun, it still doesn't come off as good as could. It has the ingredients available, but it comes up a little short. It's perfect for those that enjoy these kinds of movies but if you have a low tolerance for film's like this, stay clear.Rated R: Graphic Violence, Nudity, Graphic Language and scenes in a strip club