Andy Milligan was a Staten Island-based DIY filmmaker whose product was uniformly Z-grade. His was always the last film shown on a triple bill at one of the seedy grindhouses that once dotted the American landscape. "Guru, the Mad Monk" is typical Milligan fare. Clocking in at barely an hour, it has the slapped-together look of a group of friends attempting cosplay and deciding to film it.It's 1480 and the oddly-named Father Guru (Neil Flanigan), a Catholic monk with two distinct personalities (one gentle, the other violent), oversees the Lost Souls Church on the remote island of Mortavia. This is where the rest of Europe sends its prisoners for execution or punishment--poked-out eyes or severed hands and feet (courtesy of department-store mannequins).Assisting Father Guru is Igor, a surprisingly articulate one-eyed hunchback, and Mother Olga (Jaqueline Webb), the head nun, who also happens to be a vampire. When Olga's not tripping over her lines without asking for retakes, she bares fangs from a Staten Island novelty store.The excrement hits the fan when when young Carl (Paul Lieber), who is in charge of the prisoners, decides to leave Father Guru's employ with his lovely fiancée, Najda (Judith Israel). This sets into motion a series of increasingly violent events that climaxes with Father Guru dead, swinging by his neck from the rope of a church bell.Other noteworthy items:During the opening credit sequence, the film's title is spelled out with alphabet refrigerator magnets.One of the prisoners is clearly dressed in 20th-century corduroy pants.Father Guru's tool kit includes a pair of 20th-century scissors, as well as a modern-day claw hammer.The actors repeatedly slip back into their native New York accents.In one scene, two characters converse while a motorcycle sits not ten feet away.

GURU, THE MAD MONK is a no-budget Z-grade horror flick from schlock maestro Andy Milligan. Everything about this film is awful, particularly the production values: there's never a sense of this being a real movie, just a couple of actors inside an old church playing dress-up.If Milligan's direction is dull and amateurish, his writing is even worse. The "film" charts the misadventures of the titular monk, played by the extraordinarily wooden Neil Flanagan. Guru's crimes include betraying those he's close to and torturing innocent people in a series of shoddy gore sequences that'll have you laughing instead of wincing thanks to their ineptness.The acting is terrible across the board, the dialogue is stilted beyond belief, and no effort has been made to bring any part of the screenplay to life. Attempts to depict a medieval tableau are ruined by the all-too-obvious mistakes and screw-ups, like characters using a modern pair of scissors and a heroine wearing fake eyelashes - who knew they were invented hundreds of years back?! In my favourite "bad" scene, two characters converse with a motorbike sitting behind them. How did Milligan not notice? My feelings are that he did, and he just didn't care - a real filmmaker he isn't.

1480: Cruel, evil, haughty schizophrenic holy man Guru (a deliciously over the top performance by Neil Flanagan) resides on the remote island of Mortavia. Guru gets his sadistic jollies out of killing and maiming thieves, voyeurs, witches and various other sinners. Crazed lesbian vampire lady Olga (the seriously strange Jaqueline Webb) and meek, whimpering one-eyed hunchback Igor (an uproariously geeky turn by Jack Spencer) assist Guru with his heinous misdeeds. Meanwhile, kindly jailer Carl (the extremely fey Paul Lieber) tries to save condemned fair maiden Nadja (pretty blonde Judith Israel) from Guru's foul clutches. Legendary Do-It-Yourself dimestore indie Staten Island schlockmeister Andy Milligan really outdoes himself with this astonishingly awful, yet often amusing and oddly entertaining period Gothic horror atrocity. The drippy'n'droning stock film library score, ratty, ugly, scratched-up cinematography (Andy gleefully indulges in his ghastly penchant for drab static master shots to an appalling degree), the outrageously tasteless plot, ripely hammy eye-rolling histrionic acting from a game no-name cast (many of whom talk with heavy New York accents), cynical misanthropic sensibility, cheesy gore, the hysterical bloodbath conclusion, and the gut-busting abundant anachronisms (one villager is clearly wearing corduroy pants!) all ensure that this spectacularly shoddy swill is absolutely sidesplitting from stinky start to fumbled finish. A positively jaw-dropping celluloid abomination.

I know this movie is bad. I know I shouldn't like it. But there's something about it that holds my attention when it plays. Something in its crude simplicity compels me forward to the end. It happens every time I watch it. I don't know what it is.Guru (odd name for an orthodox priest) is a bit hammy but not overly so. Carl delivers his lines in one of the oddest intonations I've heard. He later appeared as Detective Eric Dorsey, a minor character on the Barney Miller show. Olga, who apparently is a vampire (?), can't seem to speak her lines fast enough. Pay attention or you'll miss 'em! Igor is fun to watch, as is the cute girl (Nadja) in the attic who befriends him.Watch for the modern claw hammer, the modern scissors, the steel bars on the windows, and the prisoner wearing corduroy pants!