FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND is a terminally awful B-movie horror flick from director Jerry Warren, who had been working in the genre since the 1950s. The plot sees a group of cardboard characters crashing their hot-air balloon on a remote island, which they soon discover is inhabited by a descendant of Frankenstein who is carrying on his sinister experiments. This juvenile nonsense is PG rated and features all manner of plot weirdness, from cheesy zombies to laboratory scenes and over-ripe dialogue. Frankenstein's Monster makes a last-reel appearance which really isn't worth the wait. Cast-wise, the washed-up likes of Robert Clarke and Cameron Mitchell wonder what happened to their careers, while John Carradine is projected on to a wall. This film deserves note for featuring one of the dumbest lines of dialogue I can remember hearing in a movie: "I'm Sheila Frankenstein...actually, it's Von Helsing, but I don't prefer my married name".

Where on Earth do I even start to try and attempt to write a review of Frankenstein island? It's not going to be easy but I'll try to explain the basic plot to begin with. We open with shots of hot air balloons, supposedly over the ocean somewhere, but we never see the ocean and balloons in the same shot together so we have to take their word for it. It seems their looking for a balloon that crashed in a tornado around this area, at this point I asked myself what is there to 'crash' a balloon into in the middle of the ocean? And why are they using balloons to search for them? Why not a helicopter which would make a lot more sense? Then again nothing in this film makes sense. Anyway, one of the balloonists says "the water, man! The ocean! Anyway you shake it, those poor devils either ended up on it, in it or under it!" This sort of inane dialogue that sounds like it was written by a five year old continues throughout the entire film. After that they presumably give up as their never seen or mentioned again. Then we get the opening credits, after which we are introduced to our main characters. Four men stumble onto a beach somewhere, carrying a perfectly good inflatable raft, this obviously how they made it to the island. Curtis (Tain Bodkin), Dino (Patrick O'Neil), Mark (Robert Christopher), Dr Paul Hadley (Robert Clarke) and Melvin their dog, for some unknown reason they decide to leave their life raft behind, which is a great idea considering their trapped on an island surrounded by the ocean, and enter some caves nearby. While walking along in the surprisingly well lit cave some strange device projects the image of Dr Frankenstein (John Carridine) momentarily, for absolutely no reason, you had better get used to things happening for no reason, as it happens a lot. They all exit the cave safely and are greeted to a barren landscape of trees, bushes and fields. The directors local wood then. As they approach some trees while talking, Curtis suddenly grabs his wrist and scream in pain. This is accompanied by weird electronic sounds. Scary. The sounds stop and Curtis is fine again. As 'explained' later in the film it was down to Curtis mentioning the name of a place, in fact it happens to anyone who commits this mortal sin. Then they notice that a woman dressed in a Leopard print bikini is tied horizontally between two trees, and is surrounded by plastic skulls on sticks. Not something you would expect to see everyday. It turns out that she is a member of a tribe of young beautiful primitive females who speak perfect English. Oh and their also half alien, this film is so insane its untrue! At the half alien/half primitive female's camp, just a few rocks with a fire in the middle, Dino looks on at a woman looking at herself in a mirror. Mark walks over to him and Dino says "thats the weirdest thing I've ever seen", when the film cut back its a different woman, this time she's holding a small snake. At this point I again asked myself another pressing question, why would someone describe looking at a woman admiring herself in a mirror and a woman holding a snake as the weirdest thing he's ever seen? When earlier in the day he had witnessed a half naked woman tied between two trees and surrounded by skulls? I think this film was made up as they went along. More barmy characters are introduced, Sheila Frankenstein (Katherine Victor) the great, great granddaughter of Dr Frankenstein, two old guys who run around for her, Sheila's husband Dr Von Helsing (George Mitchell), Clay Jason (Cameron Mitchell) who's supposedly been imprisoned on the island for seventeen years, and bunch of idiotic stupid looking zombie guards who wear blue jeans, black turtle neck sweaters silly black hate and over sized sunglasses, and a few even sport fake mustache's, you have to see them to believe how idiotic they look, and eventually the Frankenstein monster itself. I could go on forever about how bad this film is, the script makes no sense at all, about half way through the film the four start to discuss leaving the island and building a raft, yet at the start of the film they are clearly seen with a perfectly good rubber dinghy, and a sequence where about ten people hide behind one tree to escape the attention of a zombie guard. The Frankentein monsters rampage is depicted by it knocking over a table with some beakers on it, and just waving its arms about. The ending is awful too, but then what did you expect? The fight sequence here is laughable, the actors look more like their dancing with each other, check out how far the punches and kicks miss by! At one point for no reason, one of the zombie guards grows vampire fangs, obviously the sort you buy on Halloween from any good corner shop. One zombie guard also uses a small plastic devils trident, probably brought from the same shop as the fangs and plastic skulls. I could go on and on about how bad, idiotic, stupid, lame, boring, and poorly made this is but I think you get the idea. Its not all bad however, at one point Doc comes out with one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in a film, while Sheila is showing our hero's her garden, Doc picks up a large vegetable and says "those are the most beautiful vegetables I've ever seen". Absolutely hilarious, as is the whole film, you really have to see it to believe it, and even then you might not. How Jerry Warren had the nerve to film this rubbish I'll never know. Not bad in a good kind of way, just plain bad.

When watching this film I asked two questions...1. WHY IS THING LIKE A BAD 50'S HORROR FLICK?2. WAS THIS A TAX WRITE OFF?But when ya come down to it..it's so bad it's funny!"Ballonists" crash land on a island no one has "charted" which is inhabited by Lepoard Skin Bikinnied women called Amazons!If that wasn't bad enough the Practice "witchcraft", aka dancing with fake snakes, and jiggling their bodies alot, lol!Then..they run into crazed guy left from a crashed sailing ship...who offer them a chance to go to "the house" after a cusomary groping of the Lepoard Skin Bikinnied women called Amazons!Soon thereafter the "Ballonists" are taken to an OBVIOUSLY fake jail facility whre they meet Jayson- a crazed sailor who has been imprisoned for 17 years and spouts alot of Poe for no reason.Soon the "Ballonists" meet Mrs. Frankenstein! She explains to them that the assistant to Doc Frankie is still alive after 200 years due to some osrt of "blood transufions" from the Lepoard Skin Bikinnied women called Amazons and Jayson.One of the "Ballonists" is a scientist(Of course) and gets wrapped up in helping Mrs. Frankenstein and the 1/2 alive assistant to Doc Frankie as the floating head of Doc Frankenstein, promisng the Lepoard Skin Bikinnied women called Amazons, "The power!! The power!!'Of course, for no reason, they are also making "mutants"(Guy in caps with sunglasses, that seem to be "gump-like")I won't give the ending away, you'll just have to watch this sucker!!It plays like an Ed Wood movie, and would have belived it was one, except for the fact he died in 1978!Rent it, you won't be disappointed!!

John Carradine once stated that "BILLY THE KID VERSUS DRACULA" had to be his all-time worst film. I am assuming, with all due evidence, that he never saw the final cut (or any cut, for that matter) of "FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND".Quite possibly, this may be our finest piece of cinematic flourish. You won't find a study of it in any film class, which really makes one question the need for such studies, and very little referrence in books. This one registers "off the blicker" one-hundred percent.Say what you will about the effects, acting, scenery, bikini-clad babes, zombies with ski-knit caps, erroneous use of John Carradine footage, men who wear a scarf (yet, are not gay), horrible dialogue, Cameron Mitchell's eye-patch, et cetera, et cetera... I have to say that this is one of the most entertaining films, I have ever seen. If you lower the bar, low enough, you can't go wrong. A true curiousity, for those lacking curiousity.You've gotta love any film with the name "Frankenstein" in the title, that holds back the appearance of said monster until 78 minutes into it. Now, that's either a great example of commitment, or lack of budget. Who can really decide?"FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND" was made in 1981, yet it looks like something out of the late '50's to mid '60's. A definite time warp. But, then again, that's Jerry Warren for you. The man's got style.It's impossible to parody such a film, as it is the perfect parody of itself. Does it really take itself seriously, or are we fools for thinking it does? Perhaps, the joke is on us, the whole time. Either way, this film is brilliant. A definite must see for any enthusiastic or non-enthusiastic film enthusiasts.It's not worth that much, but I urge you to see it for all it's worth. This film will either p**s you off, entertain you or, like a sliced onion, bring tears to your eyes. From a logical standpoint, there is no doubt that this may be one of the worst films ever made, but let's be logical about it... a film that bears that distinction could, in fact, be one of the best films ever made.My philosophy: Expect nothing, and get everything.