'What can we do to end all this nonsense?' asks one character in Fangs of the Living Dead. Well, there's always the stop button, but I'm made of sterner stuff than that. Besides, this silly Gothic horror from Amando de Ossorio, director of the Blind Dead series, mightn't be all that great, but it does offer up several very attractive Euro-babes who, although they don't get naked, do look extremely ravishing throughout, revealing about as much cleavage as a slip of a dress possibly can. And hot babes always make the going a lot easier.Anita Ekberg is the leading lady in this silly vampire romp about an heiress, Sylvia Morel, discovering that her new castle is home to bloodsuckers, but she is easily eclipsed by buxom brunette Adriana Ambesi as sexy vamp Blinka, and Diana Lorys and Rosanna Yanni as beautiful barmaid sisters Bertha and Freya Zemis. Together, this trio of tasty totty ensured that, although the plot was unremarkable and the direction uninspired, I was able to see Fangs to the very end, which, while I'm on the subject, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever (at least in the version I saw): after revealing that the whole vampire thing is a ruse cooked up by Sylvia's uncle, Count Walbrooke (Julián Ugarte), to have his niece committed, the count turns out to be a vampire after all (he disintegrates in flames), after which Max (César Benet), comedy sidekick of Sylvia's fiancé Piero (Gianni Medici), also sprouts a pair of fangs. Confusing, to say the least.

The return of Count Dracula as played by Christopher Lee in the late 1950's set a trend of sexy blood-suckers, both male and female, and when England got on the Universal band wagon (ironically right after the death of famed vampire extraordinaire Bela Lugosi), other European countries on the main continent followed suit, usually with much T&A and an almost animated look in its filming technique. Fortunately, this one focuses more on atmosphere, and while there are definitely some very busty women, they keep their clothes on. The very voluptuous Anita Ekberg gets the privilege of playing a dual role, a modern day heiress to the Italian castle of her descendent's, and her own grandmother, once burnt to death by villagers for alleged witchcraft, and now stalking the castle and nearby village for prey. Julian Ugarte is her older but still sexy "uncle" who has undead secrets of his own, and his goal is to keep Ekberg's modern day innocent heroine there as part of an effort to end the family curse.Certainly, this isn't anything that 1960's horror aficionados hadn't seen before with "The Fearless Vampire Killers" and other similar tales of the undead haunting second string movie theaters and drive-ins around this time. (Check out "The Vampire Happening" for an outrageous comic take on similar themes with plenty of T&A to go around.) This one has a fantastically eerie atmosphere, but there are some slow patches and some confusing plot elements which in retrospect make little sense. But the moments of true horror do pop in and out, and there's a very funny moment when an Italian playboy, unaware that his latest target is really a vampire, allows her to role-play in what he believes to be a sexual game of desire. The fate of one of the undead is truly graphic, if not gory, and it is the lack of flesh and blood which makes that scene even more morbid and spine-chilling. The twist at the very end is too silly to be tolerable, but like me, you may find yourself laughing in spite of the fact that your eyes are rolling at the same time.

I viewed the 90 minute version, "Malenka, the Niece of the Vampire," and checked all the other comments before deciding to make a few observations of my own. There is precious little atmosphere in this film, Anita Ekberg's character does indeed come off as annoying, engendering no sympathy. It seems to me that Malenka was neither witch nor vampire, but an alchemist who died at the stake, but not before successfully prolonging the life of Anita Ekberg's 'uncle.' The girl in the castle and the one from the tavern were only pretending to be vampires, as we see the latter installing her fangs in a tiny compact mirror, and neither are seen after the fiery demise of the 'uncle,' disintegrating simultaneously with the burning portrait. In the 74 minute TV version, titled "Fangs of the Living Dead," there is a gag ending not seen in the longer print, Rosanna Yanni, sister of the tavern girl, being chased by the dizzy friend of Anita's doctor fiancée, sporting a set of fangs. What appears to be a clichéd retread winds up being a huge disappointment, with no vampires, only one real villain, no sex or nudity, no real violence or gore, and leaving a bad yawn in one's mouth. I first saw this film on Pittsburgh's Chiller Theater back in 1978, alongside superior Spanish horrors such as "The Murder Mansion," "Horror Rises from the Tomb," "The Bell from Hell," "It Happened at Nightmare Inn," and "The Night of the Sorcerers," another credit for Amando de Ossorio, who wrote and directed "Malenka." Such features became cherished friends for long-time horror buffs like me, but now we are able to see them in all their uncut gory glory, with nudity intact. In this case entire sequences were missing from the Chiller Theater broadcast (all expendable exposition, as indeed the entire film turned out to be), and today you see what was missing and judge for yourself. Only the gag at the end, running about a minute and a half, remained exclusive to the TV version, plus one scene depicting the burial of the phony vampire Berthe, whose name is prominently displayed on the tombstone.

Plot: A woman inherits a castle from a distant relative. When she arrives to take possession, she learns her castle is a home for the undead who want to bring her into the family.I really wanted to like Fangs of the Living Dead, but two things really hampered my enjoyment. First, there are far too many stretches of the movie that are quite simply boring. It's not that I mind a slow moving story, but this thing is downright dull in places. Second, and this more of a personal preference, but the main character as played by Anita Ekberg is annoying. For a horror movie to be really effective, it helps if you care about the characters. I wanted Ms. Ekberg's character (and Ms. Ekberg for that matter) to die within 10 minutes of her introduction.