I don't really like porn films or "nudie-cuties", but I do like BAD films, and this really, really tops the lot - and that's saying something because I have seen a lot of trash in my life, but nothing has ever dropped as low as Doris Wishman's "Double Agent 73"Chesty Morgan...what can I say? A cult name, a piece of cinema history, but a woman with no discernable talent above a mammoth sized pair of breasts. The whole film is a vehicle for Chesty, but sadly she can't act. In fact she seems incapable of walking in a straight line, sitting down, getting up, taking a shower or even opening a door without looking confused and/or apparently forgetting how to do it. This is actually a sequel to the first Wishman/Morgan epic, "Deadly Weapons", but the story and characters are not related, and this one is actually the sillier of the two because the plot here tries to set Chesty Morgan up as a special government agent, and with her lack of acting skills, the result is far more hilarious than the mousy character she played in the first film.I won't (can't!) detail the plot, but basically, Chesty "plays" Jane Genet, a super-spy given the mission of tracking down members of a criminal gang. Her objective is to bump them off and photograph them with a camera she has hidden in her left boob. You'll be agape with horror at the many, many pointless shots of Chesty with her massive cleavage on display, or topless and with the full extent of her naked bust filling the screen over and over again. It only adds to the spectacle that Chesty isn't really that attractive (she's no spring chicken, but rather flabby around the tum and sporting a ludicrous "blonde-bombshell" wig), plus she's kitted out in the most hellish, frilly, spotty 1970's fashions ever seen, along with the giant clunky platform shoes that she can't seem to do without in every single scene. If you can stand to watch as the film hobbles though one disasterously staged scene after another, you'll be treated to Chesty killing a guy by rubbing her poisoned boobs in his face, flinging a deadly earring at another, blowing a lock by jabbing a lit match into a blob of colourful modelling clay, and much much more. But this isn't just bad film-making, this is way below what even an enthusiastic amatuer could produce. On a practical note, Wishman's total lack of talent makes the already wafer thin plot sink into incomprehensibility on several occasions, underneath the weight of so many cut corners and messed up shots. Note the following:1. Doris Wishman can't shoot synch-sound, so she keeps her actor's faces off-screen as much as she can whenever a conversation is taking place. This results in most of the film's dialogue being played over endless shots of feet and shoes, hands holding telephones, backs of heads, walls, lamps, and close-up cleavage.2. She also can't focus a camera and many, many shots are completely blurred.3. She also can't edit, resulting in highly confusing leaps and jump-cuts that leave you totally bewildered.4. Oh yes, and she also can't direct. And when Chesty can't act, the onscreen result is pure madness. Chesty can be clearly be seen looking for her cues, apparently being told what to do as she goes along. There were seemingly no rehearsals, as the actors continually move out of frame, resulting in the camera wobbling wildly to keep them in the frame.Put all that together and this is a film of staggering poorness. If you can stand to watch all 75 minutes of it, give yourself a pat on the back. But if you're anything like me, you could be on comedy heaven at the amount of idiocy on display. In fact there were so many goofs and blunders on display that I ended up watching it twice to catch the ones I missed first time around. I bet not many people can say that. This would probably be a camp classic if poor Chesty Morgan seemed to be having fun making the film, but she doesn't. She stumbles around doing what shes been told, looking totally wretched and self conscious. Despite her top billed crowd-pulling assets, her unhappy countenance and lack of any discernible personality leaves her with zero sex-appeal and zero screen prescence. I hope she made some money out of this sorry experience, and I'd also like to thank her for her contribution to what have to be THE worst (and therefore among the funniest ) cult movies ever seen!

Double Agent 73 is the second film exploitation auteur Doris Wishman made with Chesty Morgan, she of the 73-inch bust. The first being Deadly Weapons (1974). The fact that both movies were released in the same year is an early indication that Wishman didn't necessarily waste a lot of time making them and knocked both out very quickly. Consequently, both these films never remotely betray their low budget origins and are truthfully very amateurish throughout, with the camera-work in particular being of an especially terrible standard. Random objects being focused on is the order of the day here. So there's not a massive amount between both films I suppose but I would definitely opt for Deadly Weapons as being the better of the two, I think it has a better overall focus plus the idea of huge breasts being used as deadly weaponry was a more inspired idea than having them being receptacles for a hidden camera.I guess you would have to describe this as a sexploitation spy film. It's about a secret agent played by Chesty who hunts down a gang of heroin traffickers. A secret camera is installed in one of her mammoth breasts in order to allow her to gather espionage evidence, unfortunately, if she does not complete her mission within a week the camera will self-destruct, killing her in the process. This story-line is more or less a framework to allow for a lot of scenes of Chesty exposing her huge hooters. Not really a bad idea in principle but it is oddly unerotic to be perfectly honest, which means that events in the story-line become more important. But it's all pretty limited stuff on that front, with the odd unexpected moment such as a bloody murder in a shower appearing out of nowhere to enliven events. But on the whole, this one is only interesting to an extent but certainly of curiosity value at least.

"Double Agent 73" is an amateurish and inept movie, yet there is an honesty about its amateurishness and ineptness: you get the feeling that the people involved didn't want to cheat you, they really did try to make an espionage / action movie, they just lacked the talent and budget required. Sure, you could complain all day long about the pointlessly long shots of, say, horse-racing, or the sped-up "car chase", or the lack of logic in the story, but you also have to give credit to the film's creativity: it's not every day you can see a punch with the breast replacing the fist, or death via ice cubes stuffed into the victim's mouth! Chesty Morgan gives a somewhat catatonic performance (she's no worse than anyone else in the cast, mind you), and there can be little argument that her breasts are unerotic (bigger is not always better), however she does have a pretty face and nice legs. (*1/2)

In a comment I wrote about Doris Wishman's 'Nude On The Moon' recently I described it as one of those cult "classics" that you only really watch just so you can say you've seen it. Well this is even more the case with 'Double Agent 73', a movie which is literally a chore to sit through. Despite having a running time of just over an hour and ten minutes I'd say it's still about twenty minutes too long. Wishman's freakish discovery Chesty Morgan plays super spy Jane Genet (hyuk, hyuk) a.k.a. Agent 73, cos she's got a 73 inch bust, see? Chesty can't act to save her life, and is seriously unsexy. I really don't see her appeal, and it's no real surprise that her career as an actress was short lived. The plot? Agent 73 is called in to help kill drug lord Toplar. She's given an address book with some leads but as no one knows what Toplar looks like she's told to photograph all the bad guys she kills, and they'll sort it out later. She does this via a camera surgically implanted in her left breast. Some of her methods of execution are also novel. My fave is death by ice cubes. If you're a big time fan of Seventies sleaze you might enjoy 'Double Agent 73' a lot more than I did, but my response was a yawn and please pass me the Russ Meyer.