I feel like half of this movie wasn't made. You know, the half where stuff actually happens? It's not that I'm against the occasional non-ending. Although I do agree with the sentiment that since the end of The Sopranos, it's been wholly overused, and is a terrible cop out. However, in certain applications, it can be acceptable. At any rate, this movie came out long before then.Doomsday Machine's non-ending fails so badly because it forgot to have anything else! It has a beginning and middle in the sense that in the time-space continuum, it must. But for the majority of the film, almost nothing of any real importance happens. I've seen more happen in a half-hour sitcom than I did in this movie. They announce the threat in about the time it takes you to read this sentence, then nothing, they make sexist jokes, then nothing, they launch them in to space, more nothing, more sexism, one "action" scene, more nothing, then finally the biggest nothing of all: the end. There isn't a single scene in this movie that's worthwhile. They even spend EIGHT minutes of screen time showing two astronauts fixing a computer. And they don't even show what they're doing! No joke, you're practically looking at a still frame for eight minutes. That's how little was going on. Consider the short run time, the already very little that took place, then consider that they included an eight minute scene of LITERALLY nothing to that. This was a final draft? It looks more like half of a rough cut.The one "action" scene in this movie was not only wholly inaccurate, it also wasn't any good. And the fact that they didn't actually attempt to make another scene or two that was at least on that level just proves that this movie is one big NOTHING. Seriously, all it would have taken to get a little more credibility was to have one or two other "dramatic action" sequences take place, and they failed at that. We got one scene that sucked.I'm not even going to complain about the sexism. For one, this movie is clearly camp. Two, I would look at it as more speaking as the attitudes of the time. I can accept that. But regardless of it's campiness, low budget, etc., it doesn't excuse the fact that this movie is 83 minutes of nothing. Sure, no one expected it to be great. But we did expect it to be more than nothing.If it was going to be a movie which could not be taken seriously, it could have at least went to one or two extremes. Either gratuitous mindless action, gratuitous mindless raunchiness, or both. But you get the smallest taste of either. Seriously, if you're the biggest camp fan in the world, you'll still not like this. It barely qualifies as being a movie.

Lots of more or less recognizable faces in this El Cheapo Production, most of them over the hill. Of the half dozen astronauts who travel to Venus, Bobby Van is a baby-faced wisecracker, Daniel Wilcoxin started out in movies in 1931, the ligneous Grant Williams' best-known role is as an incredible shrinking man, Ruta Lee is a determined doctor of cosmology or cosmetology or something, Mala Powers was Roxanne in the Oscar-winning "Cyrano de Bergerac" twenty-two years earlier. But I kind of liked the line up. Any cast with two dancers among the principals -- Bobby Van ("Kiss Me Kate") and Ruta Lee ("Seven Brides For Seven Brothers") -- is okay with me.And with that, the accolades disappear into outer space. The acting is perfunctory. The dialog is formulaic -- full of phony technological static. "Don't change your azimuth because we can only give you two degrees of yaw on the nose." The inside of the space ship is bigger than my living room. Hell, it has more square footage than my entire mobile home. And its only furniture is six chairs for the astronauts, and the chairs are recycled recliners.I didn't get past the space ship's journey to Venus but I know from the diligent research I've done that the plot has something to do with a Doomsday Machine that the Chinese Commies have buried two hundred miles deep in the earth. When it blows, it will set all the faults of all the earth's plates in motion. (Better that, than that they should dump their dollars and start investing in Euros.) To be honest, I knew I'd never be able to handle it shortly after the launch of the space ship. The director must have dozed off. I can understand some tense radio exchanges about technical junk but the scene dragged on and on -- and on. And -- NOTHING HAPPENS. And so we say good-bye to the six resourceful space travelers as they sail off into the sunset.The movie is available without cost through Hulu Movies on the internet as part of a package called Elvira's Movies Macabre. I don't know if everyone knows who Elvira was but many years ago, in the LA area, people looked forward to seeing her. She was all made up in ludicrous vampire garb but still sexy, what with her cantilevered bosom. Her comments were never scary and sometimes funny. Here, she carries on girlishly about putting a man on Venus. How about putting ARMS on Venus first! (Then she has to explain the joke because otherwise nobody living in Los Angeles is going to get it.)

If you enjoy curiosities, then you must witness "The Doomsday Machine". An uncompleted 1967 movie concerning a group of astronauts half of whom shortly before take-off on a mission to Venus, are replaced with three female astronauts under presidential direction to potentially save the lineage of mankind which is facing an imminent nuclear disaster (of which all but two of the astronauts are unaware). Although credited under the given name "Scott", Denny Miller unmistakeably stars as the sympathetic yet stern Colonel heading the mission, with Grant Williams as his boorish navigator, Bobby Van, Henry Wilcoxon, Ruta Lee, Mala Powers and Lorri Scott rounding out the expedition.It's so bizarre it's actually compelling viewing; lovely Lorri Scott saunters around the shuttle in a revealing pink bath robe, exposing her lustful limbs and naked back to the male crew, arousing Williams until he becomes some sort of sex-crazed maniac as the two gyrate and trade sexual banter about their 'vibrations' for one another. Poor Henry Wilcoxon is left to lament his age, being the odd-man out of the Noah's Ark procreation mission, delivering banal dialogue that belies his credentials as an accomplished actor. If you're interested, Mike Farrell has a cameo early in the film as a reporter.Aside from the simmering sexual tension, the film's nonsensical ending (shot separately in 1972) should leave you more than a little bemused. Inexplicable alien voices beam across the airwaves shortly before an abrupt conclusion that left me wondering if I had narcolepsy - did I miss something? The answer is no, as you'll discover if you watch "The Doomsday Machine".

We head all the way back to 1972 for the next Funky Burrito of a movie... back to a simpler time. We knew who our enemy was.It was the communists!They were everywhere... In Cuba... In Vietnam... In the Soviet Union... In China!In fact, not only did China threaten our security with the latest in elevator technology, but also threatened the entire world with a Doomsday weapon (that looked very much like a gum-ball machine)! This evil gum-ball weapon was so frightening, that the Soviet Union joined with the top scientific minds in the U.S. to develop a contingency plan: 1) build a spaceship with enough room for La-Z-Boy recliners, desk lamps, and pink terry-cloth robes 2) pick the most emotionally unstable people you can find, make them astronauts 3) send them into space with a clip-board and a crowbar... hope for the best!I know it sounds like a bad plan, but I assure you... Stuart J. Byrne, writer of The Doomsday Machine, spent at least 5-7 minutes researching and then formulating this plot!... And David L. Hewitt, special effects creator, spent slightly less time putting Stuart J. Byrne's vision onto the screen!All throughout this epic journey we're offered glimpses into Byrne's creative mind... a cat-throwing super-spy (no joke)... a talking planet... and a scene where, probably for the first time ever (on film... I'm sure it happens in real life all the time), a person is killed by their own hair!Believe me, you won't need any extra cheese for this stinky burrito!