Don't Go Near the Park (1982) * 1/2 (out of 4) Insane plot dealing with a couple people from 12,000 years ago who finds themselves living in the present day. How can they do this? Well, it turns out that they're cannibals and eating on young flesh can keep them young. The male cannibal has a 16-year-old daughter who runs away from home and into the arms of the other cannibal and while all of this is going on she manages to fall in love. There are about ten other sub-plots going on in this thing and none of them ever make a bit of sense. DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK has the reputation of being one of the worst films ever made, which I think is a bit too harsh because this thing certainly reaches a "so bad it's good" level and in its own weird way the thing is somewhat entertaining. It remains entertaining because 86% of the time you're just sitting there scratching your head and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Nothing in regards to the story ever makes a bit of sense and new things just keep happening and even they don't mix with what you've already seen. Just check out the sequence where the male cannibal shows up at a woman's house (played by a young Linnea Quigley) and walks in on her in the shower. Without any questions and without putting any clothes on, she shows the man to the room for rent and the next few scenes she's under his spell, they're married and have a kid coming. There are some pretty campy and funny moments in the film including a scene where the daughter is being attacked by a couple hippies and the van crashes off a bridge but you can clearly see a rope pulling it off the bridge. The performances are all rather bad, although Quigley is certainly cute and the top-billed Aldo Ray just appears in a couple scenes. The director at least was smart enough to know people wanted nudity and gore and the film delivers that. The special gore effects are all rather obvious as our cannibals rip open the stomachs of people and start chomping. The effect is easy to spot but at least there's some red stuff. I rarely comment on deleted scenes on a DVD but the ones here are a must see because they contain even more gore and there's even a full-frontal nude shot of Quigley, which you have to really wonder why they didn't use in the film. There are even more subplots thrown in as well as a scene with the daughter and her lover making out in a wooden tub! So, with all of this stuff going on you can tell that this is a bad movie but at the same time it certainly ranks as one of the strangest.

These days, a visit to the local park might involve dodging drunks, knife wielding hoodies, drug addicts, or paedophiles, but at least there aren't 12,000 year old cannibals waiting in the bushes to snack on your guts!In trashy schlock horror Don't Go Near the Park, that's what is waiting for people who choose to ignore local superstition and wander into the wooded area that is home to immortal brother and sister, Gar (Crackers Phinn) and Tra (Barbara Bain). Cursed by their mother to suffer endless death but never die (?), these prehistoric siblings must eat the internal organs of their victims to survive, until the day when two Wolf stars are in perfect alignment and the sacrifice of a virgin descended from their tribe breaks the curse and grants them both eternal life.To ensure that they have a virgin of the correct stock handy when the time comes, Gar hooks up with a tasty blonde (Linnea Quigley), gets married, and knocks her up (all seemingly within the space of ten minutes): 16 years later, and it is Gar's daughter, Bondi (played by jail-bait cutie Tamara Taylor), who is to be sacrificed. When Bondi runs away from home, however, it looks as though she may escape this terrible fate—if only she didn't decide on the local park as her hiding place...This amazingly dumb plot is brought to life by a director, Lawrence D. Foldes, who is so inept behind the camera, it's a miracle that he took the lens cap off whilst filming, and a cast who make the acting in my son's nativity play look positively professional by comparison. That said, by some miracle, Don't Go Near the Park actually proves to be rather entertaining.There are plenty of unintentional laughs to be had at the expense of the pitiful dialogue. shoddy costumes, and dreadful effects, and the cheesy gore makes the film fun for those who enjoy their splatter (it was sufficiently bloody to win it a place on the official Video Nasties list). The film is also notable for Quigley's early role as Bondi's mother, which sees her actually trying to act (as well, of course, taking a shower when called upon). Further welcome nudity is supplied by young Tamara Taylor, who seems to get felt up by almost everyone, including Gar, some wannabe rapist teens, and an eight year old kid.The film ends in a suitably ridiculous manner, with Gar's sacrificial ritual going haywire, laser beams shooting from his eyes, zombies rising from the dead, and a twist ending that suggests that Bondi will carry on her family's entrails-eating tradition.Entertaining for all the wrong reasons, I rate Don't Go Near the Park an unbelievably generous 6/10.

What to think? What to say? It's one of those. I couldn't keep my eyes off it, as there's something alluring about this ultra-disjointed and rough-around-the-edges schlock fest. It feels much older than it actually is. Maybe it's that elevator music that is the score? I don't care too much about it's bad rep, as you can't knock that it doesn't have it own sense of imagination (quite flip-out, boundless and senseless story-telling), however the execution is technically poor. Everything moves fast (too fast), as the story gets cluttered (as the time-line over the first half is rushed) with mangled and twisted ideas. It's a hard one to fathom. The exploitative script is interesting… to say the least. Some of the lines are amusingly laughable ("I'm sick of people trying to molest me" is said to a perverted young boy) and cracks out some very unlikely occurrences. All of this makes it quite an unpredictable smörgåsbord. Where else can you see two ancient cult siblings (a leaden Barbara Monker and… Crackers Phinn?) ripping open the stomachs of young kids and feeding on them to prevent premature ageing from a curse their mother bestowed on them for their cannibalism habits? Oh, that's an appetite. It's explicit, but primitive and clumsily staged. The FX effects for such a bare-bones production shouldn't really surprise how tatty they come across. The lumpy direction is unfocused and pacing can get sluggish. Towards the latter end there's an odd, abstract dream sequence that the female protagonist has that I liked how they presented it. The climax is spontaneously jaded and outlandishly baffling (with the best use of random laser eyes since 'The Dark (1979)"). Tacked on is a prolonged, surprise shock ending. Aldo Ray and Linda Quigley (two very watchable performers) also show up in minor parts. In the lead is an honest and more than capable Tamara Taylor.

The language that I need to use to describe this film is unprintable. All I can say is DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM under any circumstances. If someone threatens to kill you if you don't watch this film, choose death(and keep some dignity). I've never died, but it can't be worse than watching this. I personally, am scarred for life.