With a score that alternates between big band swing, boogie-woogie piano, Las Vegas-styled burlesque, and whimsical numbers a la "The Little Rascals," this is a film that does not take itself seriously. In fact, it is rife with humor—unfunny humor, alas. The screenplay is credited to seven writers, which never portends good things.COLOSSUS & THE AMAZON QUEEN follows Glaucus (Ed Fury), the strongest man in Greece (Suck it, Hercules!), and his sidekick Pirro (Rod Taylor), a fast-talking con man, as they take jobs aboard a cargo ship. When they arrive at their island destination, the men are drugged and abducted by Amazon warriors, who take them first as lovers, then as slaves. When Glaucus falls for Antiope (Dorian Gray, sans portrait), the Amazon Queen-in-Waiting, this angers her rival Melitta (Daniela Rocca), who plots her revenge.The movie's failed attempts at humor revolve mainly around slapstick that makes the Three Stooges look like Woody Allen. Pirro's manipulations are supposed to make us laugh at the gullibility of his dupes, but instead made me want to punch Pirro in the face. There's an Egyptian inventor named Sopho (Ignazio Leone) who is determined to free Glaucus and Pirro from their captivity. Using one of his inventions, the boomerang, Sopho accidentally whacks Glaucus in the head, knocking him unconscious while the muscleman single- handedly fights a platoon of Amazons. (Funny, huh?) Finally, we get light-in-the-sandals male slaves who are so accustomed to their captivity, they exchange recipes and complain about not getting their laundry "sparkly" enough. It's the kind of gay stereotype that went out of style in the '70s and today is just cringeworthy.OK, so the comedy falls on its face. Surely the action scenes make up for it? Uh, no. The action sequences are as contrived and unexciting as the humor is unfunny. Meanwhile, the Amazon warriors wear black spandex-type uniforms that look seriously out of place in the ancient world. Not to mention that the reigning queen, Regina, has lipstick on. In one scene, a skirt-wearing Amazon inadvertently provides a glimpse of her 20th-century panties.Do I even have to tell you the dubbing job sucks? They didn't even get Rod Taylor to dub his own damned character into English!The Italian "sword and sandals" films that thrived in the early '60s always veered perilously close to farce. It was redundant to make a movie poking fun at the genre. COLOSSUS & THE AMAZON QUEEN tries too hard to be funny and exciting; it ends up being neither.

Who better to play servants to women than a group of the gayest men outside of the Village People? I couldn't contain my laughter upon this discovery, as these mincing servants are so busy cooking and cleaning all day that they could not possibly know what an Amazon soldier must do all day. One of the cook's delight is more than obvious when he discovers a muscular Greek soldier trying to steal his homemade buns. The Greeks are fooled into visiting the island of the Amazons where they are drugged out sentenced to become slaves, with obvious chores when one of the soldier's biological clock starts ticking. The buxom, scantily clad soldiers even put on a show with 60's style beatnik music, then lust over the men on the slave block, even though they obviously abhor the entire male sex. This is the story of the rivalry of two women fighting over who kill be the next Amazon Queen. This utilizes a hysterical turn of events, with the very misandrist women just as sexist as the men, and it's obvious that this is simply a taming of the shews parody where the men become determined to show these women that the Gods created them simply to be wives. Deliberate comedy comes through the dubbing which gives the captured men various American dialects. This is gladiator movie light, with the women simply hiding a soft, stereotypical femininity behind their alleged distaste for all men. It's almost a slam against severe levels of feminism, yet fair to the feelings of these women who want to be something more than some man's plaything. Rod Taylor takes on the lead role, yet is lost among the hard torsos of the actors with gladiator experience.

Comedic sword and sandal attempt has Aussie Rod Taylor playing a cheeky swindler, conned into travelling to an island on the promise of treasure, discovering that he and his companions are actually man-cargo being delivered to a race of lusty Amazon women for domestic and sexual servitude. Doesn't sound all that bad really. Trouble emerges when the warrior-who-would-be-Queen (Gray) falls for the burly Glauco (Fury), deepening a rift between her and nemesis Melitta (Rocca) that spirals into an internecine contest, further compounded when pirates discover the secluded hamlet.It's frolicking fun with a high camp quality that you'll either find amusing or dull. Taylor and Fury rarely have a moment without some form of slapstick or situation comedy, while beauties Gray and Rocca have an hilarious rivalry of which Rocca always seems to be on the wrong end. I thought her frequent stumbles were pretty funny in a corny sort of way, and Gianna Canale's horny Queen Regina constantly bemoaning her chastity vow ("does a kiss have a flavour?") also hit the right note. The three female leads also happen to be exceptionally attractive women to boot, which both Taylor and Fury seem to fully appreciate.Overall, it's a comedy without pretense, featuring a glamorous cast, some witty dialogue, epic sets and the usual colourful costumes. A funny take on domestic role reversal that's politically incorrect but unlikely to offend (e.g. the smug looks on the faces of Taylor and Fury after cheap attempts at groping their masters are rebuffed). Incidentally, there's also a great scene in which a portly, balding and bearded slave plays a kissing Casanova to an endless queue of frisky Amazons that shouldn't be missed for pure ham value.

This film is strikingly similar to (and, incredibly, even worse than) Terence Young's THE AMAZONS (1974), which I watched only last month. Rod Taylor, who had just become a star thanks to George Pal's screen version of H.G. Wells' THE TIME MACHINE (1960), unwisely chose to follow it up with this turkey; his performance is embarrassing – especially the lamentable attempts at comedy – and, in fact, comes off like a cut-rate Tony Curtis! Likewise, Ed Fury makes very little impression as the proverbial muscleman (and, presumably, the Colossus of the title – though his character is actually named Glauco, even in the English-dubbed version!).As for the women, here we have: a rather unattractively made-up Dorian Gray (a regular fixture of Toto' comedies, though she also appeared in one film apiece by Fellini and Antonioni!); Daniela Rocca (best known as the mousy wife Marcello Mastroianni wants to get rid of in Pietro Germi's DIVORCE – Italian STYLE [1961]), whose character is constantly falling flat on her face for no apparent reason!; and Gianna Maria Canale (who appeared in countless sword-and-sandal titles but also starred in the first Italian horror film, I VAMPIRI [1956], co-directed by Riccardo Freda and Mario Bava), who's been saddled with the rather thankless role of the Amazon Queen who must fulfill her destiny by remaining a spinster! Truly, this has to be one of the worst films ever - which prompted director Bertrand Tavernier, then a film critic, to call it "one of the funniest of Italian comedies"! - which, from the very first shot (in which a trumpeter loses his grip on his instrument!), gives you an idea of the clumsiness you are about to witness – with the inappropriate 'modern' score (including the dance routines that are a cross between Busby Berkeley and WEST SIDE STORY [1961]!) and the hilarious dubbing (particularly during the one scene where Tiberio Murgia, so memorable as Claudia Cardinale's jealous elder brother in BIG DEAL ON MADONNA STREET [1958], appears) featuring prominently among its highlights…er…lowpoints!