Secret agent 999 (a solid and likable performance by Norman Chu) gets sent to a remote Chinese island to arrest thief Rolex. Things go horribly awry when said island turns out to be almost entirely populated by crazed bloodthirsty cannibals. Director Hark Tsui, who also co-wrote the loopy script with Roy Szeto, keeps the entertainingly off-the-wall story moving along at a breathless brisk clip, milks plenty of laughs from the amusingly twisted sense of spot-on silly and sidesplitting black humor, maintains a cheerfully deranged tone throughout, delivers a plethora of over-the-top violent and gory carnage, and stages the copious exciting and energetic martial arts fights with rip-roaring brio. The villages are a colorful assortment of complete kooks, with a homely and lecherous lady giant rating as the most delightfully daffy of the berserk bunch. Kwok Choi Hon easily steals the whole screwy show with his winningly wacky portrayal of a wily and elusive pickpocket while the lovely Mo-lin Cheung makes a favorable impression as the sweet Lin. The familiar music cues from Goblin's score for "Suspiria" further add to this picture's considerable infectiously insane appeal. Hung-Chuen Lau's vibrant widescreen cinematography boasts plenty of crazy camera angles. A seriously nutty riot.

We're Going to Eat You: 7 out of 10: Monty Python had a wonderful sergeant character that would come out during a skit and claim that the skit was getting to silly. He would have worked overtime on this film.Part Cannibal movie, part Kung-Fu flick and part slapstick comedy We're Going to Eat You has all the makings of a complete disaster. It's actually a fresh fun movie. Oh and it's definitely very silly.It actually starts out with both some serious gore scenes and some very competent kung-fu. But by the time the over-sized transvestite starts threatening our characters with a fate worse than being eaten the film devolves into a rare kind of slapstick. One that is consistently funny.The film breaks all the rules. Film characters with names like Agent 999 and Rolex should appear only in the absolute dumbest of comedies, a dainty woman eating a still beating human heart should be shocking not funny, and neither Abe Lincoln in blackface nor roller derby should ever be used during kung-fu fight scenes.Yet We're Going to Eat you has all these elements and more and still I found myself with a big broad smile on my face. This is one silly cannibalistic, kung-fu, action adventure film. Not that I necessarily want to see a serious one now I think about it.

We're Going to Eat You (1980) is a horror-action-comedy from the legendary film maker Tsui Hark. After debuting with his equally bizarre BUTTERFLY MURDERS, Mr. Tsui returns with this homage to the Italian Zombie films and kung-fu flicks of the seventies. Filled with blood, gore and sound clips from the Italian Prog-Rock band Goblin, this movie is a must see for any survival horror film fans. This one was also heavily influenced by the films of Ruggero Deodato, Umberto Lenzi and Tobe Hopper. Not your ordinary kung-fu film!Several people have disappeared on a remote island near Hong Kong. The people of this island are all insane and crave the taste of human flesh. They feed on unsuspecting visitors and escaping fugitives. One day a government agent named 999 (Norman Tsui) is in the area looking for a long time federal fugitive named Rolex (Melvin Wong). After being robbed by a fellow traveler and left to die in a trap, Agent 999 comes across the mad residents of the island's city. No one wants to co-operate. So after beating up a few locals, the chief of police (Eddy Ko) grants him an audience and points him in the direction of a nearby slaughterhouse. Foolishly, he heads off to the house and nearly winds up on the residents' plate.Despite all of the evidence presented to him and meeting the fugitive Rolex, he refuses to believe that the islanders are cannibals. The chief is fed up with Agent 999's snooping and decides to get rid of him. The runaway thief is also hiding out in town and he witnesses' first hand the barbaric cannibalism and tries to warn the police chief. He winds up being chased by the police who are in cahoots with the cannibals. Desperate to escape the pot, the thief uses the chimney technique to flee the hungry cops. He even uses a cat as a weapon. But all to no avail, the thief is captured and thrown in a cell waiting to be eaten.Rolex is sick of the cannibals and tries to help Agent 999. The chief suspect's Rolex's treachery and kills him dead. Still in denial, Agent 999 skins off Rolex's tattoo and leaves the village. He doesn't get far and is captured. In despair and praying for help from anyone, Agent 999 is about to be sliced and diced before the thief (who escaped earlier thanks to a friendly local) frees Agent 999 and helps the kid and the agent kill the captors and look for the kid's sister. Agent 999 has no luck because he's captured again. The chief is taking no chances and wants to slice him up in public. Before he can, the thief and the kid fight off the cannibals using a couple of pairs of roller skates and a case of firecrackers.The desperate trio rescue the girl and leave for the beach. They find a hidden raft and take it to safety. A crazed lone cannibal jumps on the raft and attacks the three dudes. Agent 999 goes psycho and kills the man with his bare hands. Saitified, the agent swims out the rescue the thief and the kid. When they return, they scream in horror as the sister has ripped the dead man's heart out and holds it out for all to see. She's very hungry.A pretty down beat ending for a crazy movie. This was made during Tsui Hark's "dark period". He made three depressing films BUTTERFLY MURDERS, WE'RE GOING TO EAT YOU and the very rare DON"T PLAY WITH FIRE. Filled with a lot of gore, toilet humor and some wild stunts and fight scenes.Highly recommended.

Now this is a really fun black comedy. Super secret Agent 999 and an unnamed thief/tourist (we think his name might be Harry, but we also may have misread the subtitle 'Hurry', since the subs were pretty small) stumble upon a village of cannibals in the backwaters of a Chinese jungle. 999 is on the trail of (Violent) Rodent/Rat/Ratface/Rolex (his name seems to change throughout the film), a big-time international criminal of indeterminable evil that is supposedly hiding out in the area.Of course, we find out this township is filled with cannibals long before "Harry" and especially 999 do. Both are treated as major attractions when they walk into town separately (999 got caught in a trap, so "Harry" robbed him) and are assaulted...though in different manners. "Harry" finds himself on the wrong end of some amorous advances by a huge ugly woman (seriously, she's at least a foot taller than anybody else in the film) with syphilis. 999 is attacked by whooping cannibal butchers wearing odd green masks.Anyhow, the film follows a fairly logical progression up until the climactic battle between 999 and the Chief (of police), the dictatorial ruler of the village who refuses to give out fair shares of meat. As another reviewer has mentioned here, there is quiet a bit of communist thought in this movie (critcising its abuses and, SPOILER******showing it going off the best when the system is returned to the people******SPOILER) and some philosophic though ("If you don't eat people, they'll eat you" is symbolic), but you can also just enjoy it. This is a wonderful black comedy, with a lot of physical comedy routines mixed in with the martial arts, as well as some verbal jokes. This is a very enjoyable experience if you can see it. If you enjoyed Dead Alive, Story of Ricky, or Seventh Curse, and don't mind trying to make out the smallest subtitles ever, this movie is for you.This is the second movie that the legendary Tsui Hark directed. You may remember his work from the Zu movies, A Chinese Ghost Story, Once Upon a Time in China, and Time and Tide. There's also Norman Choi (AKA Norman Tsui Siu-Keung) appearing as 999, two years before his role as Hashimoto in the monumental Duel to the Death. Eddy Ko, who was the Chief in this movie, was also in Duel to the Death as Kenji, Rumble in the Bronx, and Lethal Weapon 4 (!) as Hong. This is interesting to see where some of the people ended up. It seems this was the only movie half of the cast/crew was in, but the other half went on to great things. If you're just a completist, this is certainly a must-have curiosity. If you just want some fun with the occaisonal gore, this should also be up your alley.I just wish I knew who did choreography. When watching this movie with friends, they were slack-jawed, though it often wasn't amazing by comparison to other films I've seen. Not to say it was bad--no, the martial arts were at the very least on the level and probably on the upside, though wouldn't distinguish this film from any other myriad kung-fu flicks out there on its own (unless you count the comedy in the fights). If you're a conneseur, it won't be excellent, but it'll be competent. If you're not used to the intricacies of martial art movie fights, you should be impressed.Now to stop ranting. You shall purchase this, now!