Two if by Sea (1996): Dir: Bill Bennett / Cast: Denis Leary, Sandra Bullock, Stephen Dillane, Yaphet Kotto, Mike Starr: One of the lamest titles in recent memory as if the writer thought it poetic that Denis Leary and Sandra Bullock break up if they did not live by a frigging beach. They play thieves who are delivering a rare expensive painting to their boss. After losing police they shack up in a deserted house. Bullock begins to question her lifestyle and is charmed by another man. Leary does everything to prove his loyalty. Director Bill Bennett does a stylish job but the screenplay would make better toilet paper. Leary makes an attempt to learn other skills that don't involve cheating, stealing and robbing but he soon must stand up for his relationship. Bullock wants out of the unlawful lifestyle yet is easily charmed by deceptive males. We hardly care about this. The ending is hardly believable and makes one wonder what was learned. Supporting roles are lousy and include Stephane Dillane as the stranger trying to court Bullock while having other plans in mind. Unfortunately those plans didn't involve kidnapping her and escorting themselves to the set of a superior film. The role is standard and predictable, and Yaphet Kotto is wasted. It is yet another boring romantic comedy retread with no real purpose other than to reflect that Bullock has done better. It is pointless fluff that should be buried at sea. Score: 2 / 10

A blonde Sandra B. and her beau of longstanding, played by the equally blond Dennis Leary, romp their way through a romantic comedy having to do with a bunch of small-time crooks and a very valuable stolen painting. Shot in scenic Nova Scotia, the backgrounds are absolutely gorgeous, and Bullock and Leary have great rapport that makes their rocky relationship very believable. FBI agent Yaphet Koto is along for the ride in a role similar to the one he essayed in MIDNIGHT RUN. Leary co-wrote this, In a manner reminiscent of Donald Westlake -- which is a very good thing, if you know who Westlake is. If not, look him up. Leary is consistently Leary (maybe he was born a fully developed adult), while Bullock in 1996 is growing into the superstar that we know today. She's playing a role that might have been Julia Roberts' a few years before, as she did in several other pictures prior to SPEED and MISS CONGENIALITY, which she made her own.

Of course, I'm from Boston and Dennis' in-jokes about Bostonians gets me, especially since I've seen the Roast of Leary. And anyone who puts out a fund for firemen has my vote, as Dennis does. I loved the ode to plasterers so subtly portrayed in the finale.I also loved his deliberate skewering of the rich folks at the cocktail party, but wouldn't it be nice just once if a writer (Leary) once said to himself: "What is the movie audience expecting here? What can I put in here that would destroy this?" How about 2 rich folks who could confront him with his deliberate "How can I best offend you?" manners, showing that it is HE who may be the reverse snob? REquires perhaps more subtlety than Dennis has. He is a great writer for 'all guys, all the time' shows: so how about something confronting his homophobic or even homophilic attitudes? I ask too much, I know.and who owned the sailboat that kept sailing in and out of our view at the end of the road in the finale? Someone who Dennis owed money to? It was totally out of place, like a kid who keeps running into the camera's view just to get on TV.Just another nit: You can't have sex in the way Dennis was trying to have it in the car, unless you're hung like a donkey, which he isn't despite his big hands.Bullock: she's great, a real class act, as Leary has given homage to many times. I have ordered his "Deliver Me" to see if his acting has improved, if not his writing. WE'll see. He seems to play John Wayne, who always played himself....that school of acting.....too much for my liking.And guess what? The unsolved Isabella Gardner art heist here in Boston is probably what triggered his imagination for this movie. Now on to 'The Ref', which DID get good reviews.

This film is the rightful butt of every bad-movie joke ever told. One of the worst and weakest of all films, it fails in ways beyond comprehension. Few movies have been any less funny or less emotionally involving for an unfortunate audience. At least with, say, Showgirls or Wild Wild West, you have something so bad it's funny. Two If By Sea does not have so lucky an audience. It's the worst kind of bad film, one that doesn't even have the decency to be humorously bad, so profoundly bad you can laugh at it. It is far, far worse. This movie makes Mortal Kombat Annihilation look like L.A. Confidential. I'm certain that watching Two If By Sea is considered torture in some parts of the world.