Suicidal tuba player in Montreal hires a notorious hit-man to rub him out...but the next day he falls in love. Had the tuba player fallen in love with the hit-man, they might've had a funnier picture. As it is, he rescues a suicidal woman from a burning car and those two fall in love (after much arguing). Although distributed by AVCO Embassy Pictures, a reputable company in 1981, "Tulips" looks like Gabe Kaplan's home movies. He's quite comfortable under the disastrous circumstances, oblivious to the fact he's starring in a big turkey (one that pretty much sank his chances of branching out from TV and onto the big screen). Rarely have I seen a feature film that looked this bad. Cinematographer François Protat should have insisted upon using a pseudonym (if he didn't already). Kaplan, heavily bearded, spends most of the picture in dimly-lit rooms, and all you ever see is the top half of his face; after making love to Bernadette Peters for the first time, the lighting is again so terrible that even she seems to be growing whiskers! Some of the banter has a little snap, and Kaplan--when he's easy in scenes and not trying to be a stand-up actor--has his moments. Peters is lost at sea with her shrieking character, though Henry Gibson adds a bit of class as the hired killer (named Avocado!). One very small scene, with Kaplan handing Peters a box of chocolates and confessing he got hungry, hence a half-empty box, is wonderfully played. Too bad the rest of "Tulips" wasn't as assured. The editing is choppy, the direction is manic, the cartoony music by Edward Karam is ridiculous, and the gloppy color is such an eyesore that the entire final third of the picture is unwatchable. *1/2 from ****

Most people who have seen Tulips hated it. I like it a bit better because it covers an important topic that Hollywood often shies away from: depression and loneliness. Though the film is supposed to be a comedy, there aren't many laughs but it is still interesting to watch the two main characters. I always felt Gabe Kaplan was an underrated talent and this film shows he could do more than just tell uncle jokes.

If ever there was a movie that SHOULD have been directed by Alan Smithee...."Tulips" basically details the "romance" if that's the word, between an odd woman (Peters) and an even odder man (Kaplan) who is contemplating suicide.Though this was billed as a comedy, I didn't laugh. Nope, not even a smile. Not a snicker. This isn't even worth laughing at condescendingly.A product from our neighbors to the north (Canada, for those of you not reading this in the United States), this is the leading reason why Kaplan is best remembered for "Welcome Back, Kotter".Lord knows he'd prefer it that way.And as for Bernadette...well, the less said about her involvement, the better.One star. Please, someone plant these "Tulips" six feet under.