Maybe you've always wondered, "what would it be like to cross Big Trouble in Little China with Enter the Dragon, and maybe added zombies?" If you have, then here's your ridiculous varietal.Reprising his role as a mysterious, magical, and ancient Chinese sorcerer, James Hong is a successful, supernatural vintner on a secluded island, with a small army of martial arts henchmen ready for his every evil command. Naturally, his villainy is all about killing hotties to keep him immortal. And for some reason, zombies are essential to his vineyard. Also necessary for the fermentation is a fresh kill in the wine vat. I'm no enologist, but I think there's easier ways to make tastier wines - and more coherent plots for better movies. The "special effects" are the special needs children of film making, largely involving cut- aways to rubber masks. The few martial arts scenes are without any grace or choreography. And while the plot premise could have been promising, its execution is truly disappointing. But, If you like crapulent acting, hilariously awful dialog and cheesy synth soundtracks from the 80s, this movie could be your Chateauneuf du Poo.

James Hong (Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China) wrote, directed and stars in this surprisingly well made and entertaining fantasy horror film. I am almost certain the only reason why Hong pulled a triple threat (writing, directing, starring) was so he could grope and molest the so-called actresses. He sorta pulled a Bill Hinzman in "Flesheater". But truth be told...the nudity makes the film a bit more watchable.The film opens with Hong and his much younger wife standing on the balcony of his mansion as they make out. The wife strips and a horny mechanic watches them from downstairs. Within the first 5 minutes of the movie you get to see a dungeon filled with half naked chicks who are chained up and two separate sex scenes! There is some funny dialog and the film's production does look well done. But "The Vineyard" is trash...but at least it's entertaining trash.Highlights: A martial arts master handy man, tons of boobs, a decapitation, spiders in mouths, snakes wrapped around hot ladies, zombies who can only be killed by sprinkling magic dirt on them, a gay old German guy, the guy from "Legacy of Rage" that isn't Brandon Lee, some really terrible dancing, and a dude going Rambo with a bow and arrow.

The movie wasn't great, but it had it's moments. I think James Hong did a good job and found his character quite creepy. Some of the scenes including the spider scene were pretty scary! The fight scenes were quite good, especially when the preppy guy and his girlfriend were working together to defeat Po's big, burly bodyguards.Most of the cast are one hit wonders (if you consider this movie to be a "hit"). They made sure to hire a young, good-looking cast including the gorgeous Karen Witter who played Jezebel. Dr. Po may have been 1000 years old, but his choice of a spouse was right on the money!

This contains minor SPOILERS, so don't read it if you plan to see this.I read an article in the TV Guide a few years ago where the magazine had talked to actor James Hong. In the tiny article (it filled about an 8th of the page), Hong mentioned that he didn't feel Hollywood offered him very good roles, but instead he typically got similar, stereotypical Japanese roles. When I read it, I nodded my head and said, `Yeah, he's right.' Now I really like James Hong, and I wish his career the best of luck, but if Hollywood stereotypes will keep movies like `The Vineyard' from being made, then I hope Hong is typecast forever. In 1989, Hong made this weird horror movie. Hong came up with the story himself, was a screenplay writer, and donned the director's hat! And what do you get in the first scene?---Hong having a sex scene! Maybe Hong just felt that Hollywood typecasts for old Japanese men don't include naked women, and he wanted to make a statement about that?Hong is a wine maker that lives on an island with his henchmen. Hong is centuries-old, using an amulet to stay young and needing the blood of young women every once in awhile. So he lures people to his island and kills them. This time, he gets a whole group of youngsters at his home for a really lame party. He uses magic to either kill or capture them, and decides he wants to marry one of the women. It's up to bookworm Jeremy to save the day. But he sure doesn't save the film.But wait! That isn't much of a horror movie! Well, that's because I haven't yet mentioned all the stuff in it that made absolutely no sense. Where to start, where to start? We can break out in song along the way…1. My Lucky Star: Let's see…we've got pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes…what are we missing in 'me Lucky Charms? Of course! Brown amulets! Hong has an interesting flashback about when he was a child. We learn that he killed his father to save his mother, but refuses to give her the magic amulet. Then we find out that his mother is a GODDESS! You heard me right. I guess that is trying to explain the origins of the amulet, but it only rouses up more questions that are never answered. It would have been better if the amulet had no origin. But hold on, that would ruin #2…2. Witchy Woman: See, Hong's goddess mother is still alive and kicking. The amulet made her young (much younger than it makes Hong) and without it she turned into a withered old woman. Hong keeps her locked up in a room in his mansion. It is not clear why he does that, since the two never have a scene together. But come on! Are we really to believe Hong keeps his mother with him as he moves from identity to identity each century? He hasn't been suckling for all these years, has he?3. It's Raining Men: Who are all these bodyguards protecting the estate? They must be working for money, but would any price be high enough to live on the desolate island where you were expected to kill people?4. Let's Dance: Next we turn to our saplings. Not trees, but the saps that come to the island. They are brought by some old guy with a bad accent who is quickly disposed of by the guards. Why did they come? Some of them are wannabe actors and actresses that have some kind of audition. None of them are very interesting. Still, the scene where they are introduced is sort of funny (one of the would-be actors only has a high school diploma to brag about), and I thought Hong's direction would be good. I would soon be let down. They have a party that night, and it is a really sour one with bad direction. Then there is Jeremy. He wrote a magazine article on Hong. Jeremy figures out what is going on quickly, based on some shoddy evidence he finds in books Hong has lying around. When Jeremy starts babbling about this, you would think Hong would kill him, but he constantly stops himself. 5. That Old Magic Feeling: To kill or detain the victims, Hong sends his guards, uses magic, or both. What he does strongly resembles voodoo. Where did he learn this? How does it work? Why does he use it on some people and not others? Why doesn't he use it in the end to snub the remaining people that are causing trouble?6. Now I'm Feeling Zombified: Now the real bad stuff. The women are taken to the dungeon to have blood extracted so Hong can stay young. He uses up so many people a day that you wonder how he can stay in one place for more than a week before people get suspicious. But why women's blood? The men are all killed and buried in the vineyard. The movie box says they fertilize the vineyard! They way they are buried made me think it would be like `Motel Hell.' But no, these bodies constantly rise from their graves, and the only way they can be stopped is if the guards douse them with `holy dirt.' I thought `Holy...' when I saw this part, but the word `dirt' did not follow it. The zombie make up isn't bad, but the whole thing made me fear I had accidentally rented `The Video Dead Part 2.'7. They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-ha!: When the last two bafflingly bad scenes were over, that is the line I was saying to myself repeatedly, because no one sane could possibly sit through the entire movie. I did, so expect my next review to come from the local asylum. Zantara's score: 2 out of 10.