The Black Ninja Warrior is stolen from the Red Ninjas. Charles swears to get it back. Jimmy wants to avenge his father. Sarah is great at kung fu. John wants to learn kung fu. Roger's friend is badly wounded. The Black Ninjas want the Golden Ninja Warrior. Johnny completes his training. Since Ronald's death, Eagle gets worse. George and Steve work for Roger. Charles plays hide and seek with the Black Ninjas in the woods. And some bald guy keeps tapping the side of his head.If none of that makes much sense to you, it's because very little of The Ultimate Ninja made sense to me, being another clumsy cut and shut job from director Godfrey Ho, the film randomly hopping from one seemingly unconnected scene to another with zero concern for narrative cohesion. Very occasionally, Ho's chaotic approach results in a hugely entertaining slice of surreal ninja nonsense (see Ninja Terminator or Golden Ninja Warrior), but that is certainly not the case here: this is tiresome stuff indeed, with not nearly enough unintentional laughs or decent martial arts action (although the crap ninja statuettes are worth a giggle, as is the ninja battle in what looks suspiciously like a picnic area).

Is the Ultimate Ninja the Ultimate Godfrey Ho ninja film? Well, no (that would be Ninja Terminator, but then again I think there's about 40,000 other films with the word 'Ninja' in it that Ho released in 1986, so I might be wrong).This one (like all the others) has good ninjas versus bad ninjas fighting over the black ninja model (looks like an action man, but I'm probably too inferior to understand the way of the ninja) every twenty minutes while some obscure Eastern kung-fu flick unfolds. Hey - I'm no expert on this kind of high art, I can only be thankful that Poundland deemed me worthy enough to sell this stuff.The non-ninja plot involves some guy who's dad was killed in a confusing flashback heralded by the line "He's a great athlete - pity his dad is dead" wanting to get revenge on some guys. There's also another guy who works in a café that might be related to him, and a sister, and some other people. I'll confess here - I've watched Derek Jarman's Blue, The Three Colours trilogy, and most of Greenaway's works, but nothing prepared me for The Ultimate Ninja's allegory on the human condition. What Ho is saying to us here that we may envelope ourselves in modernity (represented here by the ninjas enveloped in stupid ninja headbands) but there's nothing technological and sociological progress can do to someone trying to kick you in the face. The sheer intellectual liminal text juxtaposed with the subliminal-text (you're closest friend may be the person trying to hack you to pieces with an axe)was too much for my brain, which went into shut down and only awoke to see a ninja battle in a picnic area.Godfrey Ho provides us mere mortals with shafts of shattered rainbow which we can only sift through, looking for answers. Yesterday's Ho film is tomorrow's Corn Flakes, and only today can stroke it's chin, assemble a Golden Ninja Warrior with it's mind, and say "We will never know the real truth".Amen.

Things get off to an interesting start in this when a group of black clad ninja led by Stuart Smith assassinate the red ninja master during an attempt to steal both the Golden Ninja Warrior and the Black Ninja Warrior statues (in reality the latter looks like a woefully cheap, painted plaster Paris knock up) Smith manages to grab the black ninja figure and flee albeit at the cost of a shuriken in the back....ouch!Now the stage is set for the number one red ninja disciple (and apparently the only disciple for that matter) played by Bruce Baron to avenge his masters death and retrieve the missing statue.Sadly however, it has to be said that the action pretty much ends right there and then and what we are left with for the rest of the films duration can at best only be described as mind numbing.In true formulaic style for these Godfrey Ho/Joseph Lai cut and splice ninja outings, our hero intermittently challenges one of the antagonist ninja and defeats them within about 10 seconds flat(!!!!!) Only the final showdown lasts any longer than this and thankfully, is a bit more entertaining, although again, as is typical in these movies, the villains sudden demise comes about so abruptly that if you blink you may miss it!The other movie into which the ninja segments have been edited is also a revenge story and contains some of the most boring martial arts choreography I have ever had the displeasure to sit through! I won't bother to describe it in any detail, suffice to say that it was so dull that I almost passed out whilst watching.So, not exactly a riveting movie you might deduce.......and you'd be entirely correct - this is in my opinion, one of the least enjoyable of the numerous cut & splice ninja movies from our favourite director Godfrey Ho.However.........the film IS still worth watching believe it or not, for one reason only.........you really haven't lived until you have seen Stuart Smith's 'acting' abilities!Whenever this man utters a line (beneath his voice over) he really goes out and out to exaggerate the relevant emotion on his face!!!The result is frankly hilarious to behold and clearly demonstrates why Stuart Smith is held in such high esteem amongst Z-grade movie fans.

Everyone once in a while we people stumbled upon a piece of art, a book, a painting or a movie for that matter that will fundamentally change our lives. 'The Ultimate Ninja' has had a similar impact on my life.The plot is extremely moving and very psychologically interesting touching topics such as father-son-relationships, rape victims, and first and foremost the hardships of people ruled by evil tyrants. Hence the exciting personal relationships are the foundation, upon which this highly political movie is based. I'm especially impressed with the brilliant action skills of the actors, mainly Bruce Baron of course, but Stuart Steen is also a very talented young man, who has surely got a promising future ahead of him. The force of the movie is really that the epic story is presented in such an entertaining and realistic way. The fighting skills of Bruce Baron mesmerise everyone and I often watch the ending with its extremely cool special effects.Altogether, I cannot recommend this movie enough. This movie might be the highlight of mankind's effort to transform arts into movies and I beg you people to see it. I'm convinced it'll change your lives as it did with mine.