Director Robin Hardy's reputation rests almost exclusively on his 1973 cult classic, The Wicker Man. On the evidence of this, there it should stay. Wicker fans whose curiosity has been pricked should step quickly over The Fantasist as if it were a polystyrene pebble, for it holds no weight and will do them no good.Overgrown Catholic schoolgirl Patricia Teeling (Harris) takes on a teaching post in Dublin, against the misgivings of her suburban relatives. "We don't want you picking up their city ways up there!" Her vocation coincides with a series of murders, perpetrated on young women by a nuisance caller with an especially mellifluous delivery, and who possibly supplements his income penning homilies for Hallmark greeting cards. "I'm the light in your jade green eyes where the sun bursts through and turns our stone grey city into gold. I am the melting feeling in your tummy when you hear music so sublimely beautiful you want to cry." If his poetry (which makes the average Vogon's efforts seem like TS Eliot) doesn't polish them off, the old knife-between-the-shoulder-blades trick certainly will."The man of my dreams is an imaginative rock," Patricia tells her flatmate, and soon attracts three unsuitable suitors, one of whom might be the killer. Could it be beardy weirdy English master Robert Foxley (Kavanagh)? He gargles wine loudly in restaurants. Plus, he's got a silly beard. In fact, he looks just like one of those upside-down faces in optical illusion books. And his romantic small talk consists of stuff like "I knew you'd make a good mother, Patricia." That's not good.Love interest number two is her downstairs neighbour, the nervy American writer Danny Sullivan (Bottoms). He's married, so he's not a great catch. He also does a neat line in dirty phone calls in funny voices (to his wife, he claims). Then again, his wife is shortly bound for the chop. However, this doesn't stop our Pat hiding coins down her knickers so he can divine them with his rod (no euphemism intended). "I guess I just trust him," this latter-day Little Red Riding Hood tells suitor number three, Christopher Cazenove's Inspector McMyler, who keeps blown-up photos of the victims in his cottage, and wants to photograph Pat in the nude. Casual viewers will have figured out by now that Patty isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.This is a very silly film indeed; featuring grating overacting and a grating 1980s soundtrack, all tourist board Gaelic flutes and stabbing synths. Level 42 even make a cameo appearance performing the cheesiest white-funk since... well, Level 42 really are in a class of their own.Lacking a playwright of Anthony Shaffer's stature, the dialogue's in dire need of an editor (sample line: "Death tries its best to rival procrastination as a thief of time"). The cinematography's functional at best, while scenes cutting between the slaughter of a victim and the carving of a roast merely underscore the clunkiness.Most depressingly (in Hardy's hands) the film also panders to Vatican-friendly genre cliché, with Patricia's potential fate prompted through her burgeoning sexual liberation. Contrast this with the subversive Wicker Man, in which sex is portrayed as a guilt-free, joyous affair through which the protagonist could have saved himself, if only he'd actually had it.Here, the one fleetingly erotic scene is deftly undermined by the killer merrily using Patricia's bare buttocks as a pair of bongos. What a symphony he could have produced with Willow MacGregor, the landlord's daughter in The Wicker Man!

1. If you are filming a movie in scenic Ireland, your lead should be: a).a famous American actress, b). an unknown Irish actress, c).an unknown American actress who is incapable of maintaining a convincing Irish accent.2. When your villain, "the Phone Call Killer", telephones his victims he should: a). speak in a eerie, sinister voice, b). not speak at all but only breathe heavily, c).talk like Kelsey Grammar's character "Sideshow Bob" on "The Simpsons".3. If you are making a murder mystery, you should have: a).a multitude of possible suspects, b). only two possible suspects, c).only two suspects, one of whom is such a ridiculously over-the-top red herring that he couldn't possibly turn out to be the killer.4. At the climax of the movie the villain should: a). stalk the heroine with a big knife, b). chase the heroine with a giant axe, c).use the heroine's bare ass for his own personal set of bongos.5. If you are director Robin Hardy and you have directed the cult horror classic "The Wicker Man" you should follow it up with: a).another cult horror classic, b). a lesser--but not completely embarrassing--effort, c)."The Fantasist"

&#65279;Even though it was made in 1986, I had never saw this film before. To describe it as a horror film would be wrong, even though I watched it on the UK Horror Channel. It's more of a tales of the unexpected.The film starts off fairly incomprehensible, when the central character of Patricia Teeling, a 25-year-old, moves house and basically does her thing. She then starts flirting with two guys, one a man in his mid 40s, the other, slightly younger at around 35, who's an American. The story is rather stodgy, and takes some time to get going but it transpires there is a killer on the loose. And Patricia suspects the American guy. <SPOILER> dont't read on if you want to see the film without reading this...The killer is in fact the 40-year-old detective played by Christopher Cazenove. Toward the end of the movie, Patricia goes to Christopher who has a bad, stiff leg. She has coffee, then the detective asks her to see something. He lets her into a small room, whereupon he locks the door and tells her to undress so he can take "artistic" photographs of her. He has pictures of Patricia plastered all over the walls of the room, and so the detective is a murderer and a stalker.And here comes the twist. For although it looks like Patricia might be raped, and SHE LOOKS SCARED INITIALLY, the movie takes an unexpected turn. As Christopher begins tapping the bare buttocks of Patricia, she is turned on by this, and it's a remarkably realistic piece of cinema as Patricia really looks all hot and bothered and sexual. Suddenly, she grabs Christopher's finger and sucks it passionately. They then make love willingly with the clock showing how long they're in bed. If you watch the film, you would never imagine this happening as Patricia is a virgin and would never contemplate sex with a guy she knew never mind a pervy detective. This reveals something in Patricia's character which is something akin to the pervy detective.Like I say, it was a very expected turn to the film, and the end follows swiftly. You need to watch it!

This film is supposed to be a thriller, but for more than an hour it's EXCRUCIATINGLY boring, despite the beautiful locations. Things become slightly more interesting in the final 10 minutes, which have a peculiar kinkiness. But the ending on the ship is typical slasher stuff.