This film is astoundingly dull and slow-paced. If you know what filler or padding is, this is what 90% of this movie is. It was obviously made by someone who wanted to make a monster movie but had to work on a tiny budget, so they barely show any scenes of an actual monster, but pad out the film with scenes of people standing around looking scared when they hear noises, or empty dialogue and conversation between characters. They should've called it The Seinfield Movie, because it feels like a movie about nothing.

With the advent of cheap CGI, a lost art has been created: the monster movie, sans monster. Creating a monster in the olden days was expensive. Having a good-looking puppet, or dare I say even something animatronic, would cost several hundreds if not multiple thousands of dollars, and could even require hiring a specialist to operate the creature. A lot of these older movies just didn't have the budget or the connections for that sort of thing.The Boogens is one of those monster movies -- it's 90 minutes long, but for the first 75-80 of those minutes, you'll never guess what the monster looks like. It's all POV shots of... well, it could be anything, really. Does it have arms? Legs? Teeth? Claws? Wings? Is it large, small? You just don't know, and the only clues you're given are from first-person point of view shots as the monster skulks around in the shadows.The movie tries to fill that void with stronger characters, and admittedly, the cast here isn't bad. There's some fun banter and decent characterization in the long, slow lead up to the monster finally taking action. But it just isn't enough. I eventually found myself getting bored, waiting for literally anything to happen. And that fun banter? Sometimes it's laid on just a little too thick.The Boogens finally slams on the gas pedal in the last ten minutes, but for all the setup the payoff feels thin and rushed. It's a race against a creature we've only just barely been introduced to. It doesn't help that when the creature is finally given the spotlight, I found it to look more silly than scary -- and maybe even a little cute.The Boogens is... tolerable, but not great. As a horror movie, it's just not very suspenseful. But you could do worse. That's the best endorsement I can give it.

...not to mention the strangely positive reviews on this site. Despite a few moments that work well (mostly involving Tiger, the dog, a true scene-stealer), "The Boogens" is utterly forgettable, dispensable, and ignorable. It's as pure an example of Sturgeon's Revelation as one might ask, and further proof that Stephen King is not a trustworthy blurb-whore, at least not when it comes to movies.The ostensible lead, Rebecca "Soap" Balding, handles her underwritten part fairly well, even favoring the target audience with some brief T&A, but the best one can say about the ensemble cast is "adequate." It's the uninspired script and lack of production value that chains everyone with mediocrity; this thing has made-for-TV written all over it (even though it wasn't). The creature (such as it is) is wisely kept hidden until film's end, but the payoff is risible at best; I have known scary monsters, sir, and you are no scary monster! Truthfully, I wanted to like this unassuming little feature, perhaps only because my brother and I had a habit of calling each other "Boog" when we were young and callow, but sadly "The Boogens" never rises above its own shopworn premise. I'd have given it another point if I'd been in a more forgiving mood, but it really wouldn't deserve it. There are simply far, far more films worthy of our attention. Second-tier character actors gamely earning paychecks is not my idea of a good time. "The Boogens" is, sad to say, late night insomnia viewing only.Some amusing trivia: Anne-Marie "Sledge Hammer!" Martin, whose career apparently withered away with her divorce from Michael Crichton, co-wrote "Twister." Balding's romantic co-star, Fred "Class Reunion" McCarren died much too young at 55, while Balding ended up marrying her director, James L. "Star Trek: TNG, V, DSN, E" Conway. "The Boogens" DP got his start (and spent most of his career) shooting low-fi exploitation films like "Thar She Blows!"

After an opening montage of newspaper headlines ("Motherlode Found!" segues to "Mine Closed Forever By Gruesome Death!" or some such) establishing that this mine is a Dangerous Place, we meet Roger and Mark, two young miners-in-training, hired to help two older and crustier miners (Brian and Dan) re-open the Mine of Death.Roger (Jeff Harlan, who looks a little too much like David Spade for my comfort) and Mark (Fred McCarren) have rented a house together near the mine. Roger is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his girlfriend, and his early dialogue consists almost entirely of smarmy jokes about how long it's been since he got some. Mark is leery of a set-up with Jessica's friend, Trish, who is helping Jessica move; he refers to the last blind date Roger set up for him as "Quasimodo's daughter".Jessica (Anne-Marie Martin) and Trish (Rebecca Balding) arrive in a VW bug, accompanied by a spirited miniature poodle named Tiger. I must confess I found Jessica a little distracting, since I was more familiar with her splendid, scenery-chewing turn as the bitchy Wendy in "Prom Night" and it was odd to see her acting like a nice person.A white-haired old man slinks periodically through the narrative, looking furtive and atmospheric so you know he's got Knowledge Of The Past. Hijinks ensue almost immediately as the guys knock a hole in the wall of the mine, freeing monsters who earlier tunneled into every house in town (hence the early murders that closed the mine) and were just waiting to be set free to murder and maim anew. The monsters promptly take advantage of the miner's carelessness by setting up shop in the basement of Mark and Roger's house, which sets up the first killing: Roger and Mark's landlady, who has come to open up the house and makes a fateful trip to the basement.The second victim is Roger himself, who takes a break from banging his girlfriend to get some sleep and is yanked under his work truck by a tentacle. The third victim, sadly, is Tiger, arguably one of the best actors in the film. That's where the movie and I parted company; I can't stand movies where the dog dies. When Jessica gets out of the bathtub to investigate Tiger's howls, she discovers his tiny corpse, and is promptly gnawed to death clad only a towel. The director seems to have had a thing about personal daintiness, because for the women in this movie, bathing is invariably fatal: Jessica dies fresh from the tub, the landlady is killed in her bathrobe after showering, and Mark's first view of Trish is her naked backside as she stands, dripping and be-toweled, in a doorway. Somewhere in between monster attacks, Mark and Trish discover they are hot for each other and have gauzy 80's sex in front of the fireplace.Things clatter to a predictable conclusion: Brian and Dan discover the remains of Roger, whose face has been chewed off; Mark rescues Trish from the Basement of Death, seconds before one of the monsters attaches itself to the face of the Sheriff; Brian and Dan die honorably, attempting to save Mark; the old man turns out to have The Key To It All, and the mine shaft and house are blown up real good.There are standout moments: a sequence in a pool hall, where Jessica turns out to be a ringer on the order of Minnesota Fats and wins a handful of cash from Brian and Dan; the flirtatious coupling of Mark and Trish, made believable by genuine chemistry between the actors; the foursome leaving the house and admonishing Tiger to behave -- after which Tiger promptly paws open the bedroom closet and settles down to gnaw a shoe. As has been mentioned before, the fact that the monsters don't really show their faces until the very end of the movie is a good thing, not because they are laughable (which they kind of are) but because they are a lot scarier before you see them.I give the movie 7 out of 10, but only because they killed the damn dog.