Pirates (1986)BOMB (out of 4) Captain Bartholomew Red (Walter Matthau) and his assistant The Frog (Cris Campion) are adrift at sea when they spot a ship. The two manage to get on board but run into an even more brutal captain.After a seven year hiatus, director Roman Polanski had another film on the big screen and it was greeted to very mixed reviews and it turned into a disaster at the box office. In all honesty, I'm downright shocked that anyone enjoyed this picture because to me it was a complete mess from the opening scene to the very last and it's without question the worst thing I've seen from Polanski. I might go even a step further and say it's one of the worst movies that you're ever going to see from a great director.So, what went wrong? For starters, I'm not even sure what type of movie this was trying to be. Was it meant to be an updated version of the type of film we saw Errol Flynn do back in the day? If so then why on Earth was Matthau cast in the picture? He's certainly not an actor star and it's just downright strange, to say the least, to see him trying to play one. I'm going to guess, at times, the film attempts to be a comedy, which is something Matthau could handle but Polanski has proved that comedy isn't his strong point. What attempts at comedy are here are downright embarrassing and beyond stupid. Just take a look at the long sequence dealing with the rat.The entire movie just seemed so uneven and so confused as to what it was trying to do that I'm really shocked Polanski got to do another movie. Especially when you consider how badly this one flopped and it's still not gotten an official DVD/Blu release in several major markets. The performances are bland to say the least and poor Matthau just wasn't meant for this role. Sure, the costumes and sets look terrific but that didn't add any entertainment to an incredibly bland, bad and embarrassing movie.

When I was a kid growing up I got into this PC game called Sid Meier's Pirates. I wanted to do everything pirate related. For some reason I never fully identified with the Errol Flynn pirate. He was always a good guy, who got caught up in the circumstances and was still trying to be a good guy. He was always chivalrous, clean and relatively good looking. Thank the contents of Davey Jones' locker for Roman Polanski. In all honesty, it was the VHS cover that first attracted me to this movie : Walter Matthau dressed up as a disheveled looking Captain Morgan, cutlass drawn and pointed as us.The movie revolves mainly around the exploits of the stool-legged Captain Bartholomew Red (Mathau) and his French first mate (who at times resembles dinner), the Frog. On the heels of their last adventure (see Boca del Toro), the movie starts out in the middle of the ocean with our two protagonists on a raft floating around, mad with hunger. After encountering a Spanish galleon (the Neptune) and performing a self-rescue, the story shifts into main gear : the Aztec Throne of Zapotec Anahuak.This is by far my favorite pirate movie. It has all the right elements - action, adventure, ship battles, wooden appendages, sword fighting, humor, barrels of rum, gold, prison, cross dressing, cockney accents, love, large feathery hats, giant wigs and even the attractive Charlotte Lewis (remember Eddie's love interest from the Golden Child). Walter Matthau is clearly the standout character in this movie. His Captain Red is an amalgamate of various pirates but yet stands on its own because of Matthau. Red is haughty, greedy, ambitious, inspirational, conniving, and single-minded when it comes to gold. This is made all the more apparent by the juxtapose to his highly idealistic first mate. Where as Captain Jack Sparrow is a bit on the weaselly side, Captain Red is more like a scraggly wolf. It was also beneficial that Matthau was a tall 6 foot 3 inches tall, giving Captain Red a larger than life persona. If not for Keith Richards, I think Captain Red could have been more than an appropriate inspiration for Mr. Depp.Roman Polanski does an excellent job in de-glamorizing the pirate lifestyle. Even Captain Jack Sparrow is a bit on the tame side (Thank You Disney). If Errol Flynn was the prototype, then Walter Matthau is the grittier, colorized version. What Polanski did for vampires with the Fearless Vampire Killers, he does the same for the pirate genre with this movie. On top of the typical "pirate" behavior, Polanski has even added commentary on the day. This would include the class divisions between the officers and crew, the political strife between the English, Dutch, French and the haughty Spanish (the RIAA of the day) and the unquenchable lust for gold.This movie was maligned by the critics when it came out and has since sunk into anonymity. This should not be so. It contains one of Matthau's best performances and is the best pirate movie ever made. Unfortunately, if you don't like pirates or adventure movies, then you probably will like the English Patient and not this. For everyone else, I highly recommend the Spanish (manga films) region 2 DVD of this movie (presented in anamorphic 16x9).-Celluloid Rehab

Judging by the comments this is a love / hate kinda debate. Personnaly, this is definitely a love thing for me. This is one of the most memorable movie I've seen as a kid. Pirates have always been my thing anyway, but that movie just hits the spot. Forget Errol Flynn, men in tights, daring do, platonic romance, this is a dirty, gritty, sometimes macabre affair, but always funny, and the duo lead actor works wonderfully.If you've seen Pirates Of The Caribbean (who hasn't), you'll see that it borrowed an awful lot from Polanski's. I definitely recommend it, an awesome pirate flick! - I haven't seen the English version, but the French version is more than adequate. No silly accents, sharp dialogs, very good.

One can easily see that Roman Polanski was trying to ride on the success of his early comedy 'The Fearless Vampire Killers!' when making this film. The protagonists and love interests in both films are nearly identical, however in 'Pirates', the cast and crew do not manage to do nearly as good as a job. To be fair, some of the crew give good contributions, such as the costumes by Anthony Powell, and Philippe Sarde's great music score, however these points barely atone at all for the overall picture. It is more often stupid than it is funny, with the same old jokes recycled during the film - the shark pun fails particularly poorly. It is mostly just a mixture of being absurd and revolting, with little in the way of a story, and towards the end it is just messy. It could be argued that Matthau gives it his all - perhaps he does - but the results are not too great. There is enough in this film to save it from being an utter disaster, but still, it is not a very good film.