"Gmmffsssklpp!" I exclaimed, while watching some pretentious Japanese animated film (Wolf Children, it turns out). "What was that?" My wife asked, languishing nearby on a futon, dressed in only a coat made from Madagascan Tenrecs. "That," I said, waving my glass of brandy in the air, "Was the sound of my brain trying to vomit out of my ear because of this film." I'll never forget her reply. "That," She imitated, around a mouthful of roasted dolphin, "Is how I feel when you are watching one your crappy old European films."My blood froze. Cold sweat broke out on my forehead. My fingers clenched into my palms, forming bloody crescents. I unsteadily rose to my feet, staggering to the front door, only pausing once to vomit into one of my children's wellington boots. I somehow made it to my car, got in, and blindly drove through the tears until my heart stopped racing. I parked the car in a disabled space and, hunched and tortured, called my wife from a phone box somewhere outside the town of Penrith. I couldn't believe how much they charge for a simple phone call these days."Wh-what did you say?" I muttered into the phone. "How can you compare an arty Japanese film with Italian (and/or Spanish) films? How can you, for example, compare that to the Italian Rambo-rip off Brothers In War, where the two protagonists sing "Jingle Bells" to cheer each other up while captured by the Vietcong?"Noting that I had several minutes left and wanting to get my money's worth, I continued. "Pancho Villa is another example. It's a seventies Spanish film with Telly Savalas playing the titular General, and yes, since you ask, people do say 'titular' to each other in conversation. This film spends about five minutes discussing why Pancho Villa has no hair just so it can have an excuse to have Telly Savalas in the lead role. It's not striving for any artistic merit!"I angrily pounded my slave-shop produced meerkat skin gloves on the telephone box walls, stomping my crocodile skin boots. "And what about the bit where Chuck Connors has an entire room of US army officers trying to catch a fly? That was terrible no matter what way you looked at it. Just thought I'd mention that bit. What I'm trying to say is these films aren't meant to be taken seriously. This is supposedly a historic film about a guy who invaded America, and instead we get Telly Savalas pretending to be in a coma, trying to sort out his sidekick's marital problems, and some other third example, too!"I was in tears now, and would have been lying on the floor of the phone box had it not been for my ivory walking stick. "I mean, Telly Savalas sings the jazzy theme tune at the end! How can you deride these spectacles of wonder I hold dear to my heart? How? For is it not enough that I deemed you suitable to bear my children? Must you destroy my true love in life – the crappy Euro film?""Why are you using a phone box instead of your mobile phone?" She asked, deaf to my entreaties. My vision greyed as I stumbled out into the night, a broken man. Nearby a red squirrel paused in its search for food to regard my twitching form. I felt a little bit better as I opened the back door of the car and set my two dogs on it.

Somebody must have had the idea to make this actual historical event (1916 Raid on Columbus, NM, USA) into a farce of a film for the audience's pleasure.It portrays both the American Army and Pancho Villa as bumbling, inept fools. I don't know what Telly Savalas (a huge star at the time) was thinking participating in this film.With a comical, farcical sound track and ridiculous sound effects it is like watching a combination of MASH 4077, Three Stooges and horrible Chop-Sokey martial arts films of the day.It's so bizarre, it's worth watching it to say that you did.

The western was in a bit of a cul-de-sac by the early 70's. The spaghetti and revisionist strands had pushed the format to its extremes, meaning that not much new territory was pursued. Pancho Villa was neither spaghetti, nor a revisionist; it was a Spanish western which decided that the best foot forward was to play things for laughs. It traded largely on its star actor Telly Savalas who was a massive TV star at the time as a result of Kojack.The result is a silly and often tedious biopic about the Mexican revolutionary of the title and is specifically about his mini-invasion of the U.S.A. in 1916. I don't know the real story but it's quite obvious that this is a loose retelling at best. There is a lot of very stupid humour here including ludicrous separate scenes involving a fly and a lizard. The humour really isn't very good so these scenes just come across as misguided. To ramp up the campy nature further the army officer who is Pancho Villa's adversary is played by Chuck Connors in a quite deranged fashion. Despite a promising opening half, things get bogged down when the Mexicans enter America and things do drag quite a bit thereafter. It is a somewhat strange movie so is possibly worth watching for that reason if you are inclined enough. It ends with Savalas crooning a song over the end credits.

Telly Savalas stars as the Mexican rebel Villa, `the only man to invade the USA!' Although the story had been told historically before (i.e. `Villa Rides' with Yul Brynner) this version is played more for laughs. This was made at the height of Savalas' popularity in the year that Kojak became a household name. Here, Villa `borrows' $30,000 to buy guns for his rebel cause. He sends his partner Scotty into America to do the trade, but while there he is double-crossed. He escapes back to Mexico where Villa prepares to take revenge on the men who cheated him. He crosses the border and captures the American town of Columbus. This western pits a mainly Spanish cast against Savalas, Clint Walker, Anne Francis and Chuck Connors. They give good performances although Savalas has a tendency to go over the top at times; so does the film, with dumb scenes such as when a whole room of soldiers cannot (at the command of Connors as Col. Wilcox) swat a fly. But this scene is justified however, as Wilcox explains `By killing that fly, I am saving your lives'. Well, ahem, quite. Yes, the script is that bad. But keep watching for the `exciting' climax . When the film is boring, it's awful, but some scenes are excellent, helped no end by Savalas' performance.