I did enjoy Aronofsky's NOAH and did go on youtube to relive the cinematic experience by checking a few online clips . By chance I came upon a section that proclaimed " Noah 2014 Hollywood Movie " Hmmm some naughty sinner has uploaded the full movie to YT . They'd better watch they don't cause a great plague to befall humanity . Intrigued I went on to the site and rest assured this wasn't Aronofsky's flawed masterpiece but a 1999 miniseries called NOAH'S ARK . As an amateur critic it's always nice to use the concept of structuralist film theory to contrast and compare films . . Within moments however it's clear that compared to this miniseries NOAH is not only an undisputed masterpiece but the greatest film in the history of cinema everDirector John Irvin started his career by being a war correspondent and did make the brutal and bloody HAMBURGER HILL . This is puzzling because as someone who has seen conflict at the realistic sharp end there's a strange painful bizarre tone in the opening sequence where a pitched battle between two tribes takes place . For a miniseries which I take it is produced for television the battle is exceptionally gory with pools of blood and decapitated heads being waved about on poles . The graphic violence is a sharp dichotomy with the rest of the feel with the scene that borders on high camp . The extras are obviously enjoying themselves as they yell , pull weird faces and try and fail not to burst in to laughter . I'm reminded of that MONTY PYTHON sketch of the military fairys soldiers on parade " Company - camp it up ! " . You can just imagine Irvin shooting the scene shouting through a loud hailer " Try and remember what it was like working for a living and today you're playing bloodthirsty maniacs so go out and enjoy yourselves " and enjoy themselves they do . After surviving the battle two walk on actors then have a competition to see who can give the most over the top hammy performance in the history of acting . One of them might have said " Hey big nose you've got a big nose " but I was too busy laughing to notice And so the miniseries continues in the same way . Everyone in whatever role they're playing tries to out do another with worst performance all time . They shout , they screech , they bawl and even when they're not saying anything they still use body language to put off their colleagues . I lost count of the number of times Jon Voight cocked his eyes every time the camera cut to him . If it's not enough that the cast are over emoting then the constant incidental music tries the same technique . It's loud and intrusive and feels the need to dictate if a scene is trying to be amusing , serious , menacing etc . I've no idea the religious views of John Irvin but one might jump to the conclusion that he's mocking Christianity with a deliberately bad miniseries , a sort of unofficial prequel to THE LIFE OF BRIAN but that would be crediting it with a level of sophistication and nothing on screen indicates any sort of sophistication . There' also scenes of violence which definitely belong in another film entirely and if people are complaining that NOAH is a very bad movie they should take time out and view this travesty Still if you're looking for the true life story of Noah then this might just be the film you're looking for because everything you read in the Bible is undisputed historical fact isn't it ?

I "won" this double DVD on X-Mas lottery, so I shouldn't complain. I thought. So why not bridge the hours 'til the Golden Globes at 2AM CET with some trashy 3-hour Halmi-Vision. Robert Halmi's Hallmark is always good for lots of cheap laughs, gasping, drinking games, and senseless NO sex, but violence. After watching the first half hour stunned, how actors with reputation like Jon Voight and Mary Steenburgen can appear in this piece of crap, I began to realize: they're having a party! The second part, being even more ridiculous, proved Hallmark provides a playground for big names who don't care about their reputation. I'll drink to that -- it helps watching the picture.

This is got to be the worst movie I have ever reviewed it has no Biblical authority what so ever and the acting is terrible beyond compare. I really cannot believe that supposedly being a Christian that Jon Voight would take part in something this bad and is a dishonor to GOD'S Holy Word ! They would have us believe that Noah was witness to the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah when it was Abraham who was the one GOD told He would destroy those cities and Abraham was Lot's uncle not Noah. I wish that I could rate this movie 0 stars as it truly doesn't deserve the one star rating.I hope all who truly Love the Lord Jesus Christ and GOD Almighty will seriously think twice before purchasing or renting this movie if you Love the TRUTH of GOD'S Word you will be insulted by this piece of trash. There are so many good Christian movies out there to watch this one certainly isn't worth the waste of time it takes to watch, especially with it's total lack of Biblical accuracy ! May GOD forgive those who produced this piece of cinematic trash.

Just when I thought nothing could be as offensive and/or irritating as a Billy Mays infomercial, I had the intellectually shattering experience of renting this piece of garbage. Peter Barnes and John Irvin should be brought up on criminal charges for smuggling this script into the public venue. The actors need to be charged as accomplices, serving no less than a lifetime away from the public eye.This production offers the disclaimer, "For dramatic effect, we have taken poetic license with certain facts", or some such inadequate statement to fully brace you for the absolute repugnant rewrite of a Bible story which needed no drama added. What they did add was enough to make your I.Q. drop three full points for every five minutes of viewing time.The "poetic license" taken, invents characters so bizarre, you'll recognize nothing but the names of a few, and, of course, the ark.For some reason, Noah and Lot are both living in Sodom, so maybe Abram was vacationing in Switzerland on a skiing trip. Lot's wife, played by Carol Kane, is a harpy, and when she's turned to a pillar of salt, Lot breaks off her finger and carries it around in what appears to be an empty baby food jar. If that's "poetic", I'm a kumquat.When Noah - who has now begun drinking wine in quantities that could help float the ark - whines about the tough job of the building project, he awakens one morning to find that God has delivered enough precut lumber to lighten his burden. At least I think it was God. It looked like a delivery from 84 Lumber, neatly stacked and bundled. Maybe 84 Lumber is really an agent for God????? Rather than bore you with the cargo being loaded, I'll regale you with the account of the pirate attack on the ark. Incongruous, you think? This movie is filled with such insulting nonsense. After an untold time on the waters, Noah spies a pirate ship heading right for them. And who might the salty sea-captain be? Well, duh, it's Lot, of course! My only surprise was that his uncle Abram wasn't aboard. If you're going to slaughter a plot line, slaughter all of it. The piracy attempt is unsuccessful, and the swashbuckling was pathetic, not poetic. I think it was around this mark that my nausea prevented me from punishing myself anymore.An ugly, senseless, moronic distortion of anything remotely resembling a Bible account. On a scale of 1 - 10, this movie is premeditated mind abuse. Stupid and insulting, you'll be more entertained by reading the Yellow Pages.