Creepy doll movies aren't really my thing. I like Chucky, but that's mainly because Brad Dourif sounds like the love child of Jack Nicholson and Tom Waits. In general though, I'm not a doll kinda guy. I do enjoy the occasional bad movie however, so it was with that special mixture of trepidation and excitement that I pressed play on Marronnier.The film opens with a young woman being kidnapped, dragged into a van and sliced up with piano wire. Then it flips to some strange cutesy date that ends with the girl turning into a lifesize doll, much to the dude's dismay. Then there's some fast-motion teeth brushing. 5 minutes in and I don't have a damn clue what's going on, but it's already loaded with ludicrous overacting, bad SFX and totally unnecessary slo-mo and fast-mo. Oh yeah! That's the stuff! Eventually we find out some semblance of a plot which makes as much sense as explaining the colour blue to a blind man by speaking sign language to his guide dog. It's got something to do with a guy who makes a doll from his lover's corpse, then starts making more dolls using an eerie pink iron lung, a sewing machine and pond water. There's other stuff going on too (including MORE sped up tooth brushing!!! Yay!!) but I didn't much care to follow the story too closely. It's complete nonsense obviously, but still it's hard to criticise a movie too harshly when it gives us a random battle-axe vs. sledgehammer duel.Keeping in line with the tone of the piece is the amazing musical score, which seems to have been composed by an attention deficit 8 year old screwing around with the programmed tracks on an old Casio keyboard. Often the music will change from eerie noise to seductive jazz to chintzy bubblegum pop, all within the space of a minute, with NOT ONE of the styles being appropriate to what's happening on screen. There's a fine line between madness and genius and, for the makers of Marronnier, that line is called the horizon.I'll finish this review with a question: Are you barber? No. You are not barber. If you want to find out who is barber and why, then you'll have to watch Marronnier. The answer will astound you. Or possibly bore you

Shot on a poor-looking video, the editing, scripting and plotting of this movie are staggeringly bad. The use of music is also atrocious, music library stuff plugged in randomly and starting and ending without any logic. There's some sped-up footage of teeth-brushing, and a conversation is also fast-forwarded through.In the opening, a woman leaves a successful date to be hit on by a stranger, then abducted by men in a van who dismember her with piano wire. A doll later on is supposedly a likeness of her, but isn't by a longshot. One of the dolls is named Marionnier (I thought this might be a person who manipulates a marionette, but no). One of the abusive guys gets strung up by rope after he attacks a woman, and attacked with huge shears and a sledgehammer. A woman turns into wax in a lake and is then sculpted into a doll.All of this may sound very good, but it is so incompetently executed, you're better off spending your time elsewhere. Go revisit Child's Play or Dolls.

Here's a summary of this unintentionally hilarious masterpiece.1) A girl sees a missing woman on TV and comes to the startling revelation that she looks just like her doll. The film then shows the doll, which looks nothing like the missing woman.2) A madman scientifically explains to his demented accomplice how he was able to turn a woman into a doll: "The pond turned her into wax."3) The accomplice admits to the girl that he's her stalker by brushing his teeth really fast, just like she does.4) The accomplice kills a dude in an alleyway by first throwing a noose around his neck. The noose becomes magically suspended from an invisible pole – which we never see – thus providing the leverage the accomplice needs to hang the dude. The accomplice then grabs some shrub-shears and snips some hair off the dude's head while muttering the grammatically incorrect statement, "I am barber." 5) A girl is showering and sees the accomplice on the other side of her shower door. She screams, then ignores him. After her shower, she decides to take a bath, but the accomplice appears in the bathtub with his trademark mischievous smirk that hints at massive "weed" consumption. She screams, then ignores him. The accomplice then makes quacking (ala duck) noises from the ventilation grate (which measures 6 inches by 6 inches) in the bathroom. She screams, then ignores him.6) The madman builds a Frankenstein machine that's powered by electricity to turn the women into wax, apparently forgetting that the pond water was sufficient enough for his needs only a few minutes earlier.7) The accomplice kidnaps or kills girls and brings them to the madman for doll production. They get into an argument and the madman says, "I have this machine. I don't need you anymore." How the machine kidnaps girls is never explained.8) A girl is kidnapped by the accomplice and attempts to send her brother a picture of the accomplice playing with a doll in an effort to have her brother rescue her. She even types in "Help me" on the message. However, the accomplice sees her and takes the phone away before she can send the message. The accomplice sends the message anyway. The girl then shakes her head in dismay, even though she wanted her brother to save her in the first place. How the brother found her location in the middle of a forest from the rather uninformative photo is not explained. 9) The dolls are lesbian nymphomaniacs. One of them distracts a girl by hitting a piano key, while the other sneaks up behind her for an ass-grab. I kid you not.10) The filmmakers couldn't figure out how to split up two people in a tunnel with no doors, so they just made one of them disappear.11) The accomplice hits a guy in the back of the head with a sledgehammer. The guy gets up with a nasty gash on his forehead, and stabs the accomplice with a sharp object, before passing out for 5 seconds. The accomplice falls down in the corner of the room, magically warps himself to the other side of the room and replaces himself with a stuffed dummy, all in 5 seconds. 12) Some dolls are as big as human beings. They chase the characters with their CGI-deficient mouths. One of them knows karate, and kicks her stiletto high heel at one of the girls, who proceeds to catch it in her mouth.13) One of the girls goes into tough mode. She wields an axe but drops it. Although she does cut the accomplice's eyeball out. The accomplice appears in the middle of the forest soon after with a bandage on his head, as it appears that he planted first aid kits in the wilderness . . . just in case.14) The stalker accidentally steps in the bear-trap that he randomly planted in the forest earlier. After planning that a girl would escape, run a mile or so in a given direction in a 100-square-mile forest, and step on top of that 1-square-foot area where he placed the trap, he was slightly off in his calculations and suffered the consequences.15) The dolls create a super doll (with 6-pack abs). The super doll awakes just in time to get some steamy lesbian "necking" action.16) The deep morale of this story is revealed by the girl survivor: "Boys will never understand girls' dreams. Girls' dreams keep glittering forever. I won't let you destroy it." 17) The girl survivor decides to keep the dead bodies of her friends and brother in her house as dolls. She talks to them regularly.18) The girl ponders, "Was it a dream or reality? I wonder." She gets surrounded by dolls and then turns into one. Roll credits. Enter deleted scenes.19) The girl and her brother play "paper-scissors-stone." 20) In another scene we have the following dialogue:Girl 1: "Once in a while you own clothes." (close-up on girl's face) Girl 2: "What on earth happened?" (they look around frantically) Some random dude: "Yes?" Girl 1: "Hurry up." (they run away)21) The girls are at karaoke with lots of cartoon characters on the monitors. Suddenly, a bloody doll cartoon emerges on the video screens. No one notices.22) The accomplice chases the girl in fast-forward motion thru the forest. The girl catches her dress on a tree, then slingshots backward on her ass. The accomplice injects her with a serum of some kind. The scene abruptly cuts. The girl is then immediately seen running away from the accomplice in the forest, apparently unaffected by the serum. End Deleted ScenesRating = 0/5 Enjoy.

OK...you remember those movies in high school film classes? Remember the ones that tried really hard to be creepy and gory with ketchup and jump cuts? Those movies were TEN TIMES BETTER than this one. There is no telling what is going on at any point in the movie. This is for sure though: there's a girl, this guy kills girls and turns them into dolls, and the dolls come to life. I'm really disappointed, because being an avid horror fan who's always looking for a new and unique scare, I really thought this had potential. NO. The film work is juvenile at best, and the plot is so incoherent that it's difficult to even pay attention. You want a bottom line? Here's my advice: watch Puppetmaster.