Look at the above picture: Ernest Borgnine is IN the diamond. End of plot synopsis.This laughably and lovably inept movie is just out and out silly - so take that as a solid recommendation. One of our readers, Gap, suggested we review this movie, and we always try to listen to our followers. Brandon Lee is charming as the CIA agent/mercenary who is a master of disguise named Michael Gold. There is a 526-carat diamond at stake called the Verbeek (?) diamond which will enable whoever gets it to build a powerful laser to take over the world. Naturally many bad guys are after him as he tries to rescue Professor Braun (Borgnine) who has been kidnapped. His journey takes him from Cuba to the Namibian desert, with Braun's daughter Alissa (Monahan) in tow.There are inane action sequences involving shooting, blow-ups, guard tower falls, evil Germans, fruit cart chases and many other clichés, all done in what seems to be an unintentional cartoonish style. The "help the daughter find the kidnapped father" is a very American Ninja-style plot, and Ernest Borgnine's accent comes and goes. The unnamed song, which repeats many times throughout the film (plus all the nonsensical goofiness) reminded us of White Fire. The song is musically very reminiscent of "There's No Easy Way Out" and the singer sounds drunk. Apparently it was done by David Knopfler, and his husky, amazingly slurred singing makes Bob Dylan seem like someone with perfect diction.Laser Mission was done in the golden year of 1989. It was directed by BJ Davis, who has a long history in the stunt world. It has since fallen into the public domain and thus can be found in gas stations all over the world for about a dollar. If you see it, we strongly suggest you pick it up, as it is well worth that meager investment. Sure, the quality is blurry (even the SOUND is blurry) but it will provide entertainment and laughs. And isn't that what movies are all about? Laser Mission is a silly great time. We'd love to find more movies like this.for more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

Laser Mission in and of itself has everything required of a B-movie: bad acting, a plot of small significance, and that overall feeling that "this movie should have ended an hour ago." Perhaps the most hysterical part of the movie is its lack of a distinct location. The movie itself claims all the happenings are in Cuba. When Michael Gold arrives at the customs window he even cracks a joke, saying "Where can I get a good Cuban cigar?" However, later in the movie when Alyssa and Gold are driving the hippie van after their big chase scene, Gold speaks of driving to a border. Cuba... is an ISLAND. Islands don't border anything. Secondly, I don't recall Alyssa and Gold in a plane ever, so how would they get to Africa to drive into Namibia? Add to that all the KGB running around trying to thwart Gold, and the absurdly German-sounding Eckhardt, and you start to really get lost wondering where these people are and what they are doing there. Also, the sign that says "Murto ou vivo" in the hotel is Portuguese.As far as the acting, I love some parts, like the Cuban camp Gold parachutes into, with Manuel and Roberta. Their accents resemble that of people doing Spanish movies for their classes on YouTube. I also like them in the chase scene: Manuel- "Sergeant? You are no sergeant! You are a woman!" Roberta- "Loco! I have ALWAYS been a woman!" It also cracks me up when Alyssa is driving the hippie van in the chase scene and she is making faces and driving like she's driving a Maserati; one of those "My car and I ARE gorgeous" looks.Anyway, the video is definitely worth the 50 cents you pay for it... at least for me it was because it was a double-feature $1 DVD with another train-wreck... Abraxas.

Doesn't anyone else wonder how in the hell they DROVE ACROSS THE Atlantic OCEAN?! Funniest thing I ever learned from a movie: Apparently the border of Cuba is not the Atlantic Ocean, but a mostly desert covered country of Africa (Namibia, maybe?). Holy God. The main girls voice was just horrible, she was so unattractive too...ick. Great how they didn't get any sweat stains while trekking through the desert for days on end, and how they kept running across random henchmen who were just wandering around there too. Made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. Oh, and who could forget the ninja jumping out of NO WHERE and being dispatched in like 3 seconds flat? They just had to add the ninja. Best disgustingly awful movie ever, terrible in an awesomely horrible way. If you're into awesomely-bad stuff, check it out.

some OK fight scenes, nothing special tho, some gawd-awful dialog, definitely B-movie grade action, direction, plot, and effects. Where it was set.. maybe Africa? by way of Russian Cuba? confusing setting, but it was actually shot in a desert somewhere and that bit looks good. Poor Brandon was saddled with some truly horrible dialog, the chick side-kick (Debi A. Monahan), was OK. And although her greatest assets were definitely the 2 in front, at least her dialog was better. The bumbling enemy pair who eventually help them were actually amusing. The evil bad-guy who just won't die was rather amusing after awhile too, how many times to they have to kill him before he'll stay dead? a 3. Not really worth seeing. There are only 3 reason to see this movie it is Brandon Lee's 1st, has Ernest Borgnine, and Debi A. Monahan trying desperately not to fall out of her dress (and unfortunately succeeding). On the other hand - you can get it for $1 so it was actually worth the price, but not a penny more.