The Internet acronym LMFAO = Laughing my ****ing a**e off. What I did throughout most of whatever the hell this is.On some sort of primitive Amazonian island, where the cut off inhabitants can still apparently have access to breast augmentation, tattoos, bikinis and metal weapons, a baby is found by an errant wanderer. Flash forward 18 years, and said kid has been raised in mainstream society. She can somehow beat up four blokes twice her size even while drunk, and is the victim of two tiresome montages featuring a couple of the worst songs I've ever heard.Wait, it gets better. She's invited along on an army expedition on the same isle she was discovered on (this is just a coincidence, by the way) and en route, the helicopter crashes. Problem is... We never SEE the collision, just a flash of white light. Obviously a victim of the high-end budget. As the only survivor, she is swiftly abducted by the resident female warriors, where she is almost immediately recognised (don't ask how) as their missing child from almost two decades ago, and consequently made queen.Why does she accept all this so quickly? Why is she ready to give up on her old life just like THAT? How do this band of ladies procreate with no men around? Believe me, this is NOT a film to be asking questions. By doing so, you're likely end up in a straitjacket... This truly is a movie where the concept ( a bunch of Playboy rejects bounce around in minimal clothing for just over an hour) seems to have originated long before the script.But WHAT script? This crap could have been made up on the spot. And that goes for the music too, which seems to have been put together by tone death monkeys on kazoos. The attempts at drama are so beyond parody, it's amazing the camera doesn't shake with laughter from the director at the pathetic pouting they call performing. In fact, I'm surprised ANYONE involved in the... Thing... could keep a straight face. Perhaps they were all on something, at the time of production (actually, that would explain a LOT).I end with talking about the final 'battle', an exercise in such dismal amateurishness that it had me in absolute hysterics. These bimbettes take on a small army of trained soldiers in their swimsuits, in what must be the most horribly choreographed fight scene I've watched. The weapons NEVER make contact. A small tap sends a 6ft tall bloke hurtling through the air. We don't see anyone die... And yet, there are graves galore at the end.If I handed out points for unintentional hilarity, this would comfortably be the best comedy I've seen this year. Alas, I do not. 0/10

I've been interested in the bizarre 'Jungle Girl' genre lately. So I bought Inara as one of the more recent examples. I generally don't go out of my way to write a review on every film I've seen. Yet this film compelled me to do so.Where to begin? Some folks are just going to say this a badly made film. That's both understatement and a bit too harsh. Obviously on some level this was a labor of love. And it seems to have been made by rather timid fanboys. They seemed completely amazed to get to lens skimpily attired women and have absolutely no idea what to do next.The story? Girl discovers she an Amazon queen after living a pointless life in the 'real' world. There is a little room for a good story here. But very little room.The plot? Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall. It's astounding how often you just ask yourself "Why is this happening?' 'How could that happen?' Why does Inara wear hyper sexy clothes as part of her paramilitary unit. Why does the plane crash? Why do the women all wear Maybelline eyeshadow in the jungle? Why is there no nudity yet so much suggestion of titillation? And even finally how could Inara remember her mother when she was still in swaddling cloths? And I could list inconsistencies all night long. Or just plain puzzles: Where do these women come from? Why are they all around the same age? Why are they so ethnically diverse? Why do they speak another language? And then they can also speak English? Do they reproduce? And how is it that they all went to yoga class together in the jungle? Also we needed acres of exposition to grasp what in the world we were watching and we didn't get it. Except in one scene where a senior officer is explaining something for far too long.Acting? The little girl did a little of it. After that? Wow. Someone mentioned that they used a bunch of female wrestlers. called Ring Divas. I can believe it. Where did they get those names? Cali Danger. Destiny Dumon. Empress Sayuri. Now dear Cali could actually turn into an actress. There is something fascinating about her. But in order to do that she's really going to need help from the director, she didn't get any here.Directing? When? It's curious that with all of the DVD commentaries and special features these days that this director seems to have actually absorbed very little about the craft of directing. Scenes go on interminably without a drop of tension or interest. The final battle seems to have been run through once hastily. And why didn't these machine gun toting mercs just blast away? Why did they fight them with machetes? Okay so let's say you do have a final hand to hand battle, I don't remember seeing a drop of blood. And what was the point of the whole film? Was it a vaguely politically correct jungle movie about female empowerment? Since when are jungle movies ever politically correct? That's the reason they are interesting.Now apart from the bad directing, acting, music (don't even get me started) etc there were a couple of good points. First of all occasionally the cinematography was good. In fact it made the women stand out in the lush greens and nighttime shots. It's a shame they didn't have anything to do. Also Cali Danger may not be much of an actress yet. Nevertheless she has some odd charisma, she needs to find a better project. Evidently this film was conceived and shot in North Carolina. Two cheers for the regional filmmaking and marketing. And they have marketed their little film with more moxy than went into the actual filming.And finally I believe that in ten to twenty years from now this film will be a cult film of the so-bad-it's-funny category. I found myself hollering at the screen, something I rarely do. And I can imagine that in some strange way this film will have a weird life of its own.Perhaps one day someone will make a serious Jungle Girl movie? It hasn't happened yet.

Well, let's face it, you're not going to be expecting scintillating performances or a gripping plot from an exploitation movie, but ... the first third of the movie consists mostly of montages of random city scenes and Inara brooding over lousy music. The writer doesn't seem to understand how paramilitary forces work. The "battle of the sexes" framing fails completely because the evil paramilitary organization contains female soldiers. The "big twist" is telegraphed so heavily that until the "reveal" I didn't realize it was supposed to be a surprise.There would normally be a big dose of uncomfortable "primitive savages have no hope until a white person comes to lead them" racism (spoiler? kinda, though it was so predictable it almost doesn't count as one) but since the Amazons are more diverse than a Benetton ad it fails even at being offensive.The actresses are from a wrestling promotion, but at least professional wrestlers chew the scenery entertainingly; these actresses seem to be competing for best impression of a Disney animatronic -- the only competent actor is the little girl. Everyone else is on a binary toggle switch between "I'm angry because I'm shouting" and "this is boring, when can I go home?"Even putting all that aside and looking purely at the eye candy ... this doesn't even work as exploitation. There is no nudity, no T&A closeups, no sexy poses. There are plenty of skimpy swimsuits, but not any different than you'd see at the average beach. They managed to write a movie about an isolated all-female tribe without the slightest implication of homosexuality. I go into an exploitation movie expecting to feel half titillated and half outraged, and I spent this one all bored.If you have a specific thing for seeing thin, small-breasted, heavily made-up women with bare backs photographed from behind there may be something here for you.

In fact, I kicked up my rating one full point just for Cali Danger. I can see why the producers fell in love with her and built a vehicle for her. If I had the resources, I sure would have made a fool of myself over her at a different point in my life, absolutely. Not sure if that's supposed to be her stripper name or something, but she is superb and really, really easy on the eyes.Oh, the movie. Right. It did lack a little cohesion, but I got that they were inspired by a "Kill Bill" - esque feel most notably in the opening sequence, but then they seem to have forgotten about it pretty quickly as the movie morphed into something else. To be frank, I would have been happy with 84 minutes of Cali posing, goofing around and delivering some monologues. She's just stunning.I think the best way to describe this film is lots of pretty girls, one smoking-hot, all-American, red-haired beauty and some vague plot devices that add up to a movie that is more compelling than literally hundreds of Hollywood crowd-pleasers that I couldn't stomach if they paid *me* 12 bucks, a large Diet Coke, and a box of Jordan almonds to watch more than 15 seconds of such as any Will Smith movie, any Morgan Freeman movie, any Ben Affleck movie, any Denzel Washington movie or any Jim Belushi movie, just to name a few off the top of my head.In summary, sure, it's lame, but you could do worse and it doesn't preach or try to deliver a social message and the girls are total babes.