I wish I could give this zero but IMDb won't allow us to give that rating. OK so here are the warning signs to this film.... 1- The film has been retitled. I hate when this happens because we all know that when a film is so bad the distributors like to change the name of the film to trick people in renting it a second time without knowing the dreck they initially watched. Oh I guess these days it would be more downloading or vod rather than renting. 2- The original title was Mortuary which would be the 10 to the power of 8 times this title has been used and I believe Tobe Hooper directed a film ( which wasn't good either ) the same year as this one and called it mortuary. This makes me think that the Director of this film was hoping that renters/buyers/video store owners would confuse this one with the Tobe Hooper film and purchase it just on name value. 3- There are NO external reviews on IMDb for this film. How can this be possible!!!! Reviews these days are ubiquitous, how can not 1 person in the world review this title. I will tell you why because this is an insult on a 1st grade students intelligence. God forsaken awful!!!! 4- This gets a eye popping 6.9/10 on IMDb by 70users or so or should I say 70 people that were told by the director to weight in on this trash and make it look good for others to view. Judging by 2 user reviews and no external reviews.....Nobody fell for it Mr.Director. 5- Full frontal nudity in the first couple of scenes obviously there to draw in all the lecherous men on tap. Here is the problem that was it for the full frontal nudity because this " actress " realized she wasn't getting paid for this dreck of a film.Now this film is on full display as Final Remains that I bought of Ebay for $2.00 bucks. well guess what the final remains from any creature breathing on this planet looks better than this atrocious wreck. Horrible acting, risible dialogue, the audio sounds like it came from some shoe string 70's VHS bootleg horror film and finally the f/x are from a pre school art class. Please avoid ....oooh wait no one has watched this yet. Anyway its time for me to lower this collusion that states this film is a 6.9.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another edition of "Essentially Fraudulent Theater"! Today we'll be taking a look at Final Remains, another dollop of sub-amateurish slop that should have never, ever, ever, EVER been released on DVD. This thing is so ungodly horrible, I suspected for a brief while that it was actually an inadequate attempt at spoof or satire of the soul crushingly low-budget slasher genre. As the film continued, however, it became clear I was mistaken. Writer/director Shawn Hazelaar is simply a talentless cretin. I will give him a tiny bit of credit for having a couple of naked chicks in this affront to human dignity but in ever other respect, Hazelaar demonstrates that he doesn't have the brains or the ability to make a ham sandwich, let alone a motion picture.I'm not going to fully detail what sadly passes for the plot of this abomination because I'm afraid doing so would severely sprain my capacity to love and leave me a broken and bitter man for the rest of my life. Let's just say that a bunch of random garbage happens, interspersed with occasional flashes of hyperactive editing, and then a foursome of 20somethings winds up drunk and high in a mortuary where they badly ad lib some overly long scenes until a killer finally shows up and goes on a poorly conceived, poorly staged and poorly videotaped rampage. Things lurch along like a crippled giraffe until an ending which I would defy any human being on this Earth to explain the logic or rationale of.Final Remains is not a professional piece of work. It doesn't even deserved the classification of "amateur". There's about a billion different examples I could site, but I think this one sums them all up. There's a scene where a girl is chased down a hallway and into a room. Later on, there's another scene where a girl is chased and she goes down the exact same hallway and into the exact same room. Now, I'm not insisting on using a different location for each chase. Maybe in the decrepit monkey brain of Shawn Hazelaar, there was some reason both girls ran down the same hallway and into the same room. But these lazy bastards couldn't even be bothered to move the frickin' camera and shoot the scenes from even slightly different angles. They just repeated the same scene with different actresses. You can get away with that in porno but not legitimate cinema.The reason why I briefly suspected this might be a pitiful effort at humor or some kind of meta-commentary on slasher flicks is because it uses virtually every horror movie cliché and does so in the most incompetent possible ways. But even the crudest forms of satire have to have a point and there never is one to anything that goes on in Final Remains. What momentarily appears to be ironic is nothing more than extremely idiotic.Putting this excrement out for unsuspecting viewers to rent is akin to fraud. It's the moral equivalent of promising to give someone liposuction, then cutting them with a pocket knife and sticking a DustBuster into the incision. Streaming it for free online should probably violate local standards of decency in every city, town and mud hut village in the world. If you pay money to watch this, you are a fool. If you watch it for free, you are still a fool. Vanguard Cinema, the folks who distributed this insulting mess, should be prosecuted and sent to ram-you-up-the-ass federal prison for at least 10 years.This concludes another edition of "Essentially Fraudulent Theater"!

Four people have mysteriously disappeared from the small town of Deerheaven within the past 9 months, the backwoods police are baffled, until a shady psychiatrist comes to town pointing his finger squarely at Henry (Leon Acord), the local mortician. Meanwhile numerous murders occur, before four college friends whom want to spice up a particularly lame party decide to break into the mortuary after it closes to get their groove on.The young adults don't even get to the mortuary until the second half of the film and when they do they're just not likable enough to really give a damn what happens to them. So apart from some rather random murders in the beginning, two random gratuitous short nude scenes, and Dr. Gronig acting like a cheap dime-store copy of Halloween's Dr. Loomis, there's nothing going on for this little film. Highly derivative, and boring. Fairly well filmed (as in aesthetically it looks good for the budget the film had, i'm guessing it was shot on the cheap), but it's still not worth your time. So in the immortal words of South Park's Officer Barbrady 'move along, nothing to see here'.Eye Candy: one extra gets fully nude, while another just gets toplessMy Grade: D+DVD Extras: Trailers for Windcroft & Badland