Why would I rather stick pins in my eyes? Because with pins in my eyes, I'd never, ever have to watch this awful, awful film ever again. The story is ridiculous, and having accidentally stumbled on this film I spent the entire time trying to work out whether or not I was watching some kind of soft porn rip-off of the Da Vinci Code. However, that would actually be a compliment, and this film is nowhere near that good.It has no redeeming features whatsoever - the lighting, acting, over-grading (why is everything green?) score and story are awful. There's nothing about this film that makes any sense. It's like some kind of X-Files/Twin Peaks wannabe made by an eighteen year old and his mates, where they've based the whole film on one of those 'really profound and clever' ideas you get when you've had way too much to drink ... You get the impression whilst watching this film that the writer and director are trying to be 'shocking' by combining religious and sexual imagery. It just looks deeply, deeply silly and adolescent and serves no purpose at all - it's like they realised the story was so dull that the only way to keep even part of the audience watching was to throw in some boob shots.Awful film - don't bother.

This movie contains some of the worst acting or should I say excuse for acting I have ever seen in my life. It looks like a student film casting call demo where the actors are reading their lines for the first time in their life- wooden does not begin to describe. Our not so spooky plot revolves around a mysterious box that must obviously contain the holy grail. It accidentally drops into the hands of a porno photographer for a website. His wife was wacky and hit the bucket some years ago and he has been tortured in his head ever since. I can say without error that this movie contains the worst comedy delivery and the crappiest plot twists ever. Orgazmo was a touching introspective into the human experience through the eyes of a master artist by comparison.You can watch this movie. but do so with the understanding that it is clumsy retarded and stupid and moronic beyond the call of duty. This movie requires the aid of strong intoxicants to be watchable.As you watch this horror of a movie you will be left wondering, how the HELL did any of these fools think for a second that what they were doing didn't totally suck?? How could they wrap at the end of a day of shooting and think any progress had been made? These fools couldn't act their way out of a paper bag. I would have fired the entire cast and had them taken to a secret CIA prison in Eastern Europe to be tortured into confessing various crimes that made good press for my military junta.

Not a good "wow," regrettably. Jack is a porn photographer now, after the death of his girl a few years back when he tossed his lucrative photography career aside. He witnesses a car crash where he's given a box, told to keep it safe, and to deliver it from evil; he'll know to whom to deliver it when the time is right.108 minutes later, salvation is yours. We're first treated to a few bits and pieces of religious history, touch on the rapture (if you want more on that, try Left Behind from 2000), some dark commentary on the direction of modern society from a guy who wires together batteries to keep The System up -- though when the power flickers, the lights and computers go dark for several seconds, then those precious batteries bring everything back up like nothing happened (no login screens, flying Windows windows or happy Mac sounds, nothing).If you're a big fan of oodles of blood, a bit of demons and the undead tossed in for good measure, and a grail everyone wants to get their hands on (and unlike Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail, this one isn't just a beacon over the Castle Anthrax), dive in. Otherwise, there's plenty of other fish in to the sea -- toss this one back.

I was lucky enough to attend the Chicago premiere of this spooky epic and it really delivered the goods. Director/Writer Lance Catania has rewoven the elements of the horror genre into a commentary on modern society and the power/creepiness of religion. Plus it has some saucy gore and sex!Pornographer Jack Fender (Daniel Patrick Sullivan) has accidentally(?) come into possession of a religious icon. Within his wacky, underground world he must come to understand why he must, by any means, protect the icon. Looking to separate him from his holy possession are a strange group of brutally surreal characters. Jack, while trying to figure out why he was chosen, also is in the unenviable position of not being able to trust anyone.Catania has a way with an intriguing story, plus he displays a love for the "money shots" of the blood, guts and flesh. Playing like a tragi-comic opera, the broad scope of Fender's predicament also allows for the occasional (and sometimes nervous) laughter. As a director/writer of this original story (shot on location in Chicago), Catania displays a passion for the subject in every frame. But even through the exploration of his interesting and complex themes, he never forgets the reason why horror films have their wild appeal (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).Satan, may I have the next dance?Rating ***1/2 stars