Have you ever seen Weekend at Bernie's? How about Deliverance? Maybe even Wrong Turn? Tony Elwood's Cold Storage is mishmash of all of these films—a "movie medley," of sorts. One would think that, given the sheer entertainment value possible when movies such as these are combined (shlock though they are), the final product would be nothing short of a delightful little tale of mountainside gore and inbred shenanigans. That, however, is not the case.Cold Storage is about an aspiring actress named Melissa who leaves her Charlotte area residence (woot!) to take on a gig in a rural (and I mean rural) Tennessee mountain town. On the way there, a bird crashes into her windshield and she somehow manages to fly out of her car and land on her head. Never mind the fact that the whole plot hinges on stray fowl: how did her car door open (without the automobile flipping over) and how did she manage to hit the blacktop in a "jackhammer" position? I know it's supposed to be over-the-top, but defying the laws of physics is an entirely different matter.So, here's our starry-eyed actress, lying prostrate and paralyzed in the middle of a Tennessee back road. The next person to come along, of course, is a fella named Clive. He's a local who has delusions of courting a long-departed nurse who was kind to him in his youth. He scoops up Melissa and carries her home, and eventually his fractured mind assigns her the identity of the aforementioned love of his life. The problem with all this is that Melissa soon dies due to her injuries, and Clive seems to take no notice. He even parades her rotting corpse around town in his rusted out clunker.This does make for some humorous moments, but the extreme nature of some of the funnier bits—such as when Clive "brushes his teeth" with a straight razor and pops a tick the size of a quarter with his bare hands —are oddly counterbalanced by what were supposed to have been moments of poignant reflection on the part of our anti-hero. These moments are so strangely juxtaposed that it makes the movie feel as if it's constantly teetering on the edge of oblivion. It just can't seem to make a clear statement about what sort of story it'd like to be, and viewers are left wondering if it's okay to laugh at scenes that could be taken as comical or pseudo-serious.To add to the woes, the whole production is hampered by atrocious acting from the very beginning. Even though this is a goofy horror/thriller at heart, the characters still need to be at least moderately believable—as is the case with any piece of effective storytelling—to elicit some degree of concern from viewers. With Cold Storage, we're given something akin to a late night round of charades that's punctuated by badly delivered (and badly written) dialogue. At times, wincingly so.There's also the stock characters of the incompetent Sheriff and the wizened local, both of whom are—strangely enough—friends (and both of whom advise Melissa's sister and ex-boyfriend to take different courses of action to try and locate said missing person).Even though it's got a few humorous moments, Cold Storage is a mess. If you're looking for goofy laughs and horror films of the hillbilly variety, check out Wrong Turn. At least then you'll know that it's all very much tongue-in-cheek.

This movie is less about being a horror splatter-fest, and more along the lines of "How to become a zombie bride." (In fact, the one person viewers KNOW is "really quite sincerely dead" by the end is the victim of the opening, Hedwig-induced car crash.) Otherwise, writer\director Tony Elwood provides a level of horror genre restraint almost on par with thriller classics from yesteryear, say Hitchcock's PSYCHO. Nick Searcy, as necromancing groom Clive Mercer, shows that he's ready to step into the Anthony Perkins role (hotelier Norman Bates) when the next PSYCHO remake is made. Particularly intriguing are Clive's dental hygiene habits. Brett Gentile nearly matches Searcy in his portrayal of Clive's nemesis, the even coarser Luther Spoole. While Jeffrey Pillars' caricature of a Southern sheriff is strictly by the book of Hollywood stereotypes, and Matt Keeslar joins Joelle Carter in being fairly bland as the clueless outsiders on the search for a missing loved one in the back country, bit players such as John W. Love, Jr. (Jerome), Rebecca Koon (Jewell), and Gina Stewart (Rhonda) shine in their parts with a light that often eludes even the leads in low-budget, little-seen horror flicks such as COLD STORAGE. Perhaps the producers' most questionable decision is to use Matthew Stewart's lament "Take Me" as the closing credits song, with lyrics such as "I'm prepared to prostitute my name; all I ask is 15 minutes' fame." Most of the people connected to this movie seemed to have a very opposite attitude; this is NOT Paris Hilton's HOUSE OF WAX remake (though it probably cost 100 times less).

Low-budget direct-to-DVD indie horror movie Cold Storage is unexpectedly rewarding. Independently made in 2005 for around 1 million, it won DVD distribution in 2010 with a May release. Watch it soon because it deserves appreciation. (The director made 2 previous micro-budget features that had some exposure on cable, which I haven't looked up, and this looks like the height of his movie making career so far.) -Minor spoilers ahead- Cold Storage begins when a pretty blonde lady, Melissa, leaves her philandering but contrite husband. Her wish to start over draws her towards a nearby rural town, where a summer theater acting gig awaits.Melissa's journey takes her down a dark wet country road. She's thinking about her new start, when something flies out of the night and shatters the windshield, and everything goes spinning. Seconds later, her car is a wreck and she lies paralyzed and helpless on the lonely road, a heartbeat from death.By chance, a driver in a creepy old car happens on the gruesome scene. Instead of leaping to help, he ominously backs in with unknown intentions. He's a mentally challenged hillbilly, who tenderly takes Melissa's barely breathing body to the passenger seat, and tows her car to hide it where nobody should ever find it.From this point, the first half of the movie becomes the story of Clive Mercer, the child-minded loner who has always hidden in his desolate shack on the outskirts of town. It drags a bit with only one active character, before it branches out when Melissa's husband and sister resolve differences to team up and find her. The movie seems headed for boringville at first, but Clive's scenes really help it cook later on, because they win genuine pity for his loneliness (a minor feat of cool writing). He becomes a sympathetic monster while he gives a horrible kind of love to his special secret friend. Despite his disgusting role, he's not the nastiest character in the story when it unfolds with more than it seemed to hold at first. It's also cool that the character who might slay the monster is hardly better: it's the town's cloddishly dumb, mustachioed and bejowled sheriff. He can barely be bothered to search for a missing lady, because he's dumb and doesn't care for city slickers. In one notable scene, he slurps egg yolks through a soda straw in a way that's grosser than the worst gore in this movie.The movie's best asset is the way it relies so little on action, cheap scares, or effects (not that it's afraid to go for a few hilarious gross-outs), and branches out through it's characters in a humorously off-kilter way. Even incidental characters with just a few lines help reveal a small town full of stories, such as the faded glamor queen who runs a thrift shop where Clive dares to buy something odd for his special secret friend. The movie draws from well known genre sources and combines them with it's own personality. It doesn't sit in one genre (horror, suspense, black comedy), it does things it's own way (even when it's clunky), and it mines entertainment from taboo. You can tell it has personality by the way the titular situation is only a very brief part of the plot (in other words, maybe too unique to easily market.) Unlike crappier horror movies, it's a book you can't judge by it's cover, and it's probably 73 times better than other much more financially successful ones.I'm not saying it's a flawless classic, but it makes me hope the creators make more and better (some of the actors have already had success with recognizable TV parts). It's worth the attention of people who appreciate underrated, creatively creepy movies. Netflix has it, and you should give it a try.

I'm not sure exactly what genre this film belongs to, but it's pretty effective at giving one the "creeps." (Is it a slasher film? Psychological horror? Action-thriller?) The basic scenario (treating someone who is dead as if they are still living, including trying to feed them and conversing with them) has been done hundreds of times, but "Cold Storage" gives us an above-average take on it.I have to give the director a WIN for one aspect of the film and a big FAIL for another.*****SPOILER***** The WIN is for the smooth transition between life and death for the victim. She's clearly alive when taken captive, but she's clearly dead within 24 hours or so. When did she die? Could she have survived with proper medical attention? The director treats this with little regard, as it's really not important to the story. And he's right.The FAIL is for the victim clearly moving after she is dead. In numerous scenes, the head bobs slightly and the hair moves. Now, if it's an actress in those scenes, I think they could have done a better job of keeping her still, as she's a bit of a distraction. If it's not an actress, they should have stabilized it to prevent unintentional movement. I might even consider that the director is trying to make us uneasy by suggesting that she may not actually be dead, or that the weird guy thinks she is moving, but I suspect that this is a bit too subtle.*****END SPOILERS***** A worthwhile movie for most horror fans.