. . . is about as lame as it gets, starting with the back tattoo of "Captain Bill," which could have been done by JOHNNY after HE GOT HIS GUN. The CAPTAIN CALAMITY plot meanders as star George Houston doffs his shirt, breaks into song, or both--with little if any excuse. Kindly peripheral characters drop like flies, but Captain Bill never misses a beat. If Australia's future had depended upon the kind of alleged "chemistry" existing between the shirtless Mr. Bill and his buttoned-up co-star Marian Nixon back in the early 1900s, it's likely that the kangaroos and koalas would have Down Under to themselves today. When you consider that America was producing slick movies such as PUBLIC ENEMY and HEROES FOR SALE about the time that CAPTAIN CALAMITY was released, one puzzles over why this misbegotten mess didn't nip Aussie filmmaking in the bud. If it had, the world would have been spared countless subsequent examples of aimless mayhem, such as PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK, HEAVENLY CREATURES, GALLIPOLI, and both NED KELLYs (not to mention all the "dingo-ate-my-baby" flicks).

I truly dislike the word inappropriate. It has been overused, abused and slaughtered to death in our language of today. However, when it is used "appropriately", as it is here, it has an important factor in expressing a feeling. "Captain Calamity" had the potential to be a nice little color adventure from a growing poverty row studio, but there is definitely in this case an inappropriate use of humor throughout the film which comes at the strangest times. Jokes are thrown in as some of the characters are killed or lay there dying or injured, leaving a sort of unnecessary sardonic feeling to the events occurring on screen. It all surrounds a South Seas search for treasure and the fight between captain George Houston and various pirates who come in and out of the action. Then, add some rather insipid songs, and you have what might have been a nice little operetta on stage in the early 1920's, but is just an eye roller 15 years later.For one thing, certain characters seem to be splitting their loyalties down the middle, on Houston's side one minute then betraying him or plotting against him in the next with no apparent motive. Marian Nixon is his love interest, a pretty young lady with an alcoholic foster father (Crane Wilbur), while "Mutiny on the Bounty's" Movita is the second female lead in a storyline with Houston's loyal right-hand man Roy D'Arcy, a comic relief type who jokes around at the most awkward times. Margaret Irving adds some spark as the patroness of a South Seas dive, while Vince Barnett is the epitome of sleaziness as the greedy Burp. While you can't expect Technicolor like quality from a poverty row film, the over-use of blue makes it seem rather tinted than colored. Certain major studios used this form of color for their short subjects. But in the end it is the fault of the script which makes this less than memorable even though it is still worth a look to see the progress color films were making.

Captain Calamity is an early pirate film about Captain Bill Jones, a sailor who accepts a gold coin for transporting a man. When he pays off with the gold coin, speculation spreads that he has a treasure. Soon after, a band of pirates are after him and the gold. The plot was really strange and convoluted, so the details were lost to me. This is partly because because the technical mistakes were so distracting that it was hard to care about anything. When watching the film, I quickly realized that it was a complete mess. I was foolish and had vowed to watch through the whole thing, resulting in one of my worst movie experiences.The acting is downright horrible. Captain Bill Jones could have been quite a charismatic character, but he ends up being a complete clown. The other acting was just as terrible, and the characters themselves were bland and forgettable. I could not bring myself to care about any single character. The dialog was also terrible.The camera-work is some of the sloppiest I have ever seen. There is no sense of orientation because nearly all the scenes focus directly on the characters or their faces, so the surrounding environment is a complete mystery. This leads to immense continuity confusion. It does not help that the editing is also bad; the scene changes seem very jerky and unnatural.Captain Calamity fails on every level that I judge movies on. I had no fun at all; I was hoping that the (potentially) exciting seafaring theme might overshadow the problems, but it was nowhere near the case. I do not even want to think about watching the movie again, ever. It looks like Captain Calamity is largely forgotten or ignored by today's viewers, which I think is a worthy fate.

With a name like "Captain Calamity", I was surprised coming out of the film at how entertaining it actually was. George Houston portrays the title character, Captain Bill Jones, who gets a lot of mileage out of a single gold doubloon. Without ever actually lying about discovering a sunken treasure, Jones' tall tale takes on a life of it's own after the seed has been planted with a nefarious saloon keeper named Joblin (Harold Howard). After that, the treasure grows with each telling of the tale, until one imagines the Schooner Marigold sinking under it's weight.To be sure, the film is not an award winner, but it is a fun adventure. George Houston, who I'd seen before in some of his Lone Rider Westerns, is much more spirited here, as he performs a host of singing numbers while grinning broadly. You never quite believe he's going to turn over his leading lady Marian Nixon to a former beau after all the commotion over the non existent gold.The best lines of the film are delivered by Captain Jones as he re-establishes his acquaintance with Joblin henchman Black Pierre. During introductions, Jones remarks - "You know of all the guys I don't like, you're the one I like most". Later in the film Jones reaffirms his mutual trust and distrust of Pierre at the same time - "I'd be quicker to believe you than any other liar I know..." Besides Marian Nixon's character Madge Lewis, the film is complemented by Margaret Irving as a conniving Madame Gruen in league with the film's bad guys, and a pretty island girl named Annana. I got a kick out of her screen credit, reminiscent of one for a character in the 1970's TV series 'Hawaii Five-O". In that one you had Zulu as 'Kono', and here we have Movita as 'Annana'. My question in each case - Why couldn't they have just used their own names? As mentioned earlier, George Houston went on to do eleven films for Producers Releasing Corporation (PRC) in the period 1940-1942 as 'The Lone Rider'. Though I haven't seen any of those in which he sings, he does belt out the Lone Rider theme song over that series' opening credits. Houston's voice was by some estimates just a bit too formal and booming for lowly 'B' Westerns, but in 'Calamity', he does sound pretty good; that salt sea air does wonders.As time goes by, little known titles like "Captain Calamity" seem to be finding a wider audience with assorted compilations. I found it as part of a ten film, three DVD 'Pirates' set recently released by St. Clair Vision, which has also put together similar collections in other genres. It's a terrific way to spend a few hours at a very reasonable price (under ten dollars), and get to see a lot of actors before they became big name Hollywood stars.