As a fan of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," I have quite the tolerance of crappy cinema. Telefutura & THIS channel show 'em every night. But hard to believe, I stumbled upon "Beneath Loch Ness" on CW12 on a Saturday night. I didn't watch all of the film, but I did learn enough to say that this movie depicts Scotland as accurately as Sam Bacile depicted Islam in "Innocence of Muslims." But this ain't no movie worth dying for (literally) or sparking a worldwide protest. Just type a few reviews somewhere online outside IMDb.com w/ numerous obscenities (e.g. "'Beneath Loch Ness' %&~?ing sucks!!") as you would any other bad movie. But the fact that I discovered "Beneath Loch Ness" on The CW proves that it didn't get enough negative notoriety for audiences to hate it like some Razzie-winning films or anything from The IMDb Bottom 100. I did have the somewhat misfortune to watch it in English unlike most movies on Telefutura to learn that the Scots sounded a little too American. "Beneath Loch Ness" has stars (in name only) like Patrick Bergin, the villain in the Julia Roberts film "Sleeping with the Enemy" & Brian Wimmer, who I only recall in the TV series remake of "Flipper," also featuring a pre-famous Jessica Alba. The underwater depiction was flawed in the sense that the movement of objects was as swift as it would be on land, as in the scene where the divers find the pink eggs or something like that. Not only that, the explosion of the depth charges looked like explosions in the air. I've seen better underwater explosions on "Gorgo" (as seen on MST3K). But I can't finish this review w/o the most egregious flaw of location scouting. If you're gonna make a movie set in Scotland but can't actually be in Scotland, choose a similar location w/ mild, temperate climate. & there are many of 'em, like New Zealand or Nova Scotia ("New Scotland" in Latin). Or the other side of N. America - BC or WA; everybody makes movies there! But this Loch Ness was actually Castaic Lake in California. As a Californian who's traveled many times between Bakersfield & the L.A. metro area, I recognized the Mediterranean landscape w/o Googling it! Castaic Lake is the first exit on the I-5 south after passing through the mountains that leads to fast food restaurants & gas stations! Needles 2 say, "Beneath Loch Ness" is typical crappy movie-making from its bombastic CGI monster to cookie-cutter characters & plot. Watch only while channel surfing & if you have a high tolerance of stupid cinema.

I hate to say it, but computer-generated imaging (CGI) is turning out to be more of a hassle than a revelation. It is giving second- and third-rate producers the means to put out drivel such as "Octopus," "Octopus 2," "Pterodactyl" and this piece of garbage called "Beneath Loch Ness." In a nutshell, an American research team is searching for evidence of Nessie, the famous Loch Ness monster. An underwater rock slide kills the professor in charge (a lucky Dick Stilwell who gets to leave this mess behind very quickly). Was it an accident or was it Nessie? That's the question posed to Internet TV producer Elizabeth (British TV actress Lysette Anthony). She is forced to call in ex-husband Case Howell to lead the investigation.What we then get is a blatant rip-off of "Jaws." There is a constable who refuses to listen to reason and wants to keep the loch open (just like Murray Hamilton in "Jaws"). In fact, the constable even explains his reason as it is almost the summer and the locals depend on the tourists for their livelihood (almost plagiarism right there). When the monster attacks from below, we get a monster's view of the swimmers or boaters from underneath a la Bruce the shark. A sunken boat is slowly panned like Ben Gardner's boat in the 1975 blockbuster. And -- get this -- there is even a local fisherman with a touch of the manic. Just switch "Blay" for "Quint." At the end of "Jaws," a relieved Hooper asked Chief Brody "Quint?" and Brody replied "No." Sorry about the spoiler, but Elizabeth asks Case "Blay?" and he replies "No." That said, this film is low-budget all-around, but even low-budget should not mean "bad." The main culprit is director Chuck Comisky, a visual effects director who did such hits as "Rush Hour," "Blade" and "The Crow" as well as the IMAX thrillers "Aliens of the Deep" and "Ghosts of the Abyss." Unfortunately, visual effects directing may have gotten him close to the likes of James Cameron, but it didn't get him any directing tips. He manages to put absolutely no tension into the story. You can see events coming ten miles away. The actors get nothing in the way of direction to avoid looking two-dimensional.As Case Howell, Brian Wimmer tries to make the best of a real acting gig. Wimmer is best known as the star and director of "The New Flipper" and also played Boonie on "China Beach" in the 80's. Irish character actor Patrick Bergin is "Blay," who describes Nessie as a creature with black eyes, which should have earned him a rebuke from Steven Spielberg. The only other recognizable face is Vernon Wells as the irritating constable with the shifting accent. Wells is Australian and best known for playing the arch-villain Ransik on "Power Rangers: Time Force" and "Power Rangers: Wild Force." Those shows were great compared to what he's been reduced to.Also, director Comisky does an awful job of disguising American locales for Scotland. Locals speak with Irish accents. The British police cars use red lights like American cop cars, not blue lights like you see on "Prime Suspect." You never get a real view of the loch. The loch is amazingly clear in the film while it's so murky in real life that seeing three feet ahead is a real challenge. Case Howell drives on the wrong side of the road half the time. The constables drive GMC SUV's, not the British-made Land Rovers the real constables use.The other reviewers have listed all the numerous gaffes, but a few stick out more than others. Blay suddenly finds himself in possession of CR-9, an explosive strong enough to blast out a massive cavern. Dynamite is extremely difficult to obtain in Britain, much less CR-9. Also, the divers walk around under Loch Ness like they were in a smoky room and not 800 feet underwater.Also, in one scene, Nessie gobbles up some unlucky festival participants. But, the swimmers are only a few feet from shore, yet it suddenly gets deep enough for the 60-feet Nessie to dive deep, come up, devour them and then dive back down deep for the escape. Even the waters of the Grand Cayman Islands don't drop off that deep that close to shore.Ah, well, I guess I could blast this film all day. But, it's my own fault for watching it. If there are real culprits here, they are Blockbuster Video's darn "4 DVD's for $20" sales and my own weakness.I find an okay film like "Doom" and then have to pick up three other substandard films to avoid paying regular price. Do yourself a favor and don't make the same mistake I did.

How could we write a movie about America that is as insulting to Americans as this film is to Scots and the entire UK?The fact is we couldn't.It is clear from Comiskys diabolical stereotyping of Scots and his ignorant depictions of Scotland and the UK that nobody could be this stupid.What was the underlying theme to this Movie?From what I saw of this garbage film, I can only conclude that this was a manifest orgy of hate filled propaganda against Scotland and the UK, perpetrated by Comisky for an agenda that is best known to himself, tenuously alibied by the wooden acting, the incredulous plagiarist butchery of other movies plots, the pathetic script writing, the ridiculous discontinuity and last but not least Comiskys own deliberate ineptness as a director.This was not so much a movie that was made badly, as a very successful character assassination of an entire Nation.It comes as no surprise that following this "Chuck" (Is that supposed to be short for Charles?) directed nothing else, no doubt having been deluged by complaints the studio had him painting scenery or fetching coffee for less hate filled and infinitely more accomplished directors.

What a complete turkey!One of the all-time worsts with the two "name" actors (Bergin and Anthony) appearing only briefly in the first half, but compensating for this later with frantic scenery chewing. (Bergin in a kilt with blue-painted face is certainly a sight to remember.)In addition: an incoherent plot, frequent continuity errors, laughable effects and unbelievable locations even for one who has never been to Scotland.Only possible things of interest: a totally unnecessary wet T-shirt scene and an uncredited Robert Foxworth in the shower.Avoid at all costs! (Especially if you are Scottish and take pride in your land and its people.)