My summary line above is an actual quote from the movie. The surprise of course is whether you ever make it through the entire flick. Let's see - 1977, "Star Wars", and 1977, "Cosmos:War of the Planets". One is a landmark movie that took sci-fi film making into the twenty first century, the other set back the progress of civilization for time immemorial.My question is - Is this movie about anything at all? It's virtually an endless stream of darkened scenes where crew members of a space ship called 'MK 31' attempt to defeat an alien intelligence that threatens Earth. The alien intelligence actually states to Captain Hamilton (John Richardson) that it will conquer the galaxy when he repairs a bad circuit board. So what does he do - he repairs the bad circuit board!!!! The only redeeming factor for this mess is the go-go style space suits, all white with a red skull cap and trim that look particularly fine on the good looking female crew members. Other than that, this film goes where no film has gone before, and will stay there by the look of the comments already posted. Fortunately or not as the case may be, this was the last movie left to view of my fifty DVD sci-fi collection from Mill Creek/Tree Line Films. A bargain at about twenty five bucks, this is the kind of movie that demands a refund, even if it's only fifty cents.

I am tempted to mention the fact that The Film "Mission to Mars", directed by Brian DePalma, bears a strong similarity to this film.... there, I've mentioned it! One of the most remarkable things about this film is the fact that "Star Wars: A New Hope" came out in the same year. Despite the title, this film bears no resemblance whatsoever to Star Wars. However, I should note that its own title is completely unrelated to the film as well. There is no war, really. But films without plots are hard to name, so c'est la vie.This film stars a lot of good looking actors (both male and female), though they are all too thin, just like the script, and the special effects. The technology depicted in the film is reminiscent of the first Star Trek series or even Lost in Space. The special effects are variable. Some are actually fairly decent miniature shots, but then there are a few cardboard cut-out sequences reminiscent of some of Terry Gilliam's animations in Mont Python's Flying Circus. The behavior of the actors is sometimes inexplicable, but the dialog is so bad that you hardly even notice. For example, every time the entire crew of the spaceship is about to die (and this happens a lot), they all stand up and cheers and hug each other when they survive. various subplots are developed and then abandoned (just as well IMO) and, towards the end, it almost seems as if we are going to get a coherent story-line. Maybe they ran out of film? This film is a hoot. I recommend it highly for bad film buffs and MST3K fans. MST3K probably avoided this because it was a too-easy target.

***SPOILER ALERT***** hhhhhmmmmmm,it's so hard to describe the sheer genius of this epic space-opera...but i must push forward.every single element of every single scene is spot-on for lunacy. the first time i saw this, i thought i was dreaming it'cause it was too awesome to be true. first, the dialogue is untouchable. you can't do this on purpose. it sounds like they put it on dice and had the actors spit it out and then read it. it's mind boggling (i've sampled so much of this movie in my music, i should just have showings of it instead of participating). every word is beautiful nonsense. i thought i'd pee my draws when the captain, in an effort to calm his crew, suggests that the computer might be drunk. awesome. it's like pulp fiction in that you can close your eyes and just listen to the dialogue.but that would leave out... second, the sets and the ships, though cheap and ridiculous still sell the point. they look like they're in space. it would be boring if you could spot the sets, but no...this is its own universe (except maybe the shadow that gets cast on space when one guy spacewalks). third, the plot!!!!!!!!!!!the computer sends them to check out this unstable planet, on the way a man is wounded by acid that contacts his suit (?) and the reason is never explained why he went outside the ship anyway. they land on the planet, discover a race of green bald-people ("my voice is words that enter the mind!")who are bullied by a giant robot that's so slow you'd have to be sleeping to get caught. the robot's controlled by a giant computer that is helpless, yet threatens the captain to put it back together. he does, even after it explains that it will conquer the galaxy upon doing so. it laughs maniacally, they hit it with a rock and set off a chain reaction that destroys the planet (whose people would have been better off without the help), but rescue one green guy, who walks around proudly in their uniform while they laugh at him (apparently he doesn't mind that his entire race is dead). in the clincher, a man is possessed by the computer AND goes on a killing spree. everyone wimps out except for the green guy who fights him vigorously until they blast him AND the possessed guy out into space, thus wiping out the last of the alien race. this is followed by much celebration and a twist ending that shyamalan himself would be proud of.DO NOT MISS THIS FILM. it's cheap by itself or in one of those boxes with 50 other sci/fi classics you never wanted to see. a must for any sci/fi fan or any fan of bad movies period. i can't fully express my love of this film, but i can say that everyone i talk into seeing it, buys it the next day...it's that great. ****1/2 (as a p.s. to this love letter, i'd like to thank this and WAR OF THE ROBOTS for inspiring my band THE DOOMSDAY DEVICE to exist in the first place.)

WAR OF THE PLANETS (1977) ½* John Richardson, Yanti Sommer, West Buchanan, Ely King. In this film by Alfonso Brescia (as "Al Bradley"), astronauts land on an alien planet and agree to help its humanoid inhabitants battle a super-computer that has taken over the planet. Even by 1977 standards, the sets, costumes and special effects look badly dated, the dialogue is often incomprehensible and the performances are uniformly languid. The theme of the film--that man shouldn't become too heavily dependent on machines--simply gets lost in the muck. The Italians were never that good at sci-fi, but this movie is truly an embarrassment.